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Fowr^ truly, 
''JACK O' DIAMONDS/' 



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FEB 13 1915 



@C!.A395271 



PREFACE. 

The contents of this book is a general assembly 
of articles written solely to amuse, by Virgil Shook 
(The Jack O' Diamonds.) The names used in these 
articles are true names of local people, the majority 
of whom are living at the time this book goes to 
press. It is the object of the author to keep as far 
from facts as possible ( barring names), and in no 
case whatever, is an article written to offend. My 
characters are selected from the Fire Department, 
Police Department, Mail Carriers and Street Car 
Men and are men who thoroughly appreciate a 
harmless joke. 



COPYRIGHT. 1915, 3Y V. SHOOK 



HE WASNT STEAMIN* RIGHT. 



Frank McCoy (a belt line switchman) 

Threw his leather mittens down, 
Took a chew of plug tobacco 

Then he mumbled with a frown, 
"Say, a snake in dis woild, Kiddo, 

Has a fat chance, I'm dead sore, 
An' I claims de system's rotten 

An' polluted to de core !" 

'T puts me name up, Kiddo, 

Fer a lay off — thirty days. 
But dey double crossed me, fellers, 

In a hundred different ways. 
I tink I'll take on some tonnage 

Of Old Bourbon after lunch 
Den rawhide to headquarters 

An' head in on dat bunch." 

"Del" Sanders said, "Why, say, Kid, 

A guy as hard as you 
Could go tru dat bunch o' bone heads 

Like hot water tru a flue. 
It won't take you but a minute 

To show 'em you're dead game 
But remember dis — old timer, 

A. E. Finley ain't to blame." 

"O, I'm not includin' Finley 

An' I tink I'll blow at noon 
If I'm goin' to pile 'em high. Bo, 

I can't begin too soon." 
Then turning to "Del" Sanders 

He said, "I won't be back 
'Till I've kicked that bunch o' high brows 

Over on de hammer track." 

"If it must be done, I'll do it, 

Say — I'll make 'em loop-de-loop 
I'll lick every boomer dere, Bo, 

From de call boy to de supe. 
Wid me lever among de oil cans 

An' me trottle open wide 
I'll ramble tru dat office 

Like a boomer at high tide." 

Still mumbling his opinion 

He started down the track 
With both his drivers pounding 

And without once looking back. 
"Del" Sanders worked short handed 

And at six o'clock that night 
He said, "I wonder where the Kid is. 

He must be doing things up right." 

—3— 



At six o'clock next morning 

The "Kid" came drifting in 
With a bandage on his steam dome 

And a plaster on his chin. 
One side light was out of order 

You could hear his piston wheeze 
As he sat down in a corner 

With his hands upon his knees. 

"Well," Del said, "I see you're here, 'Kid,' 

How'd you find de track, 'Kid,' fast? 
I've been watchin' fer de wrecker. 

But I haven't seen her pass." 
"Well, you see it's like dis, Sanders, 

I kicks up an awful row, 
De target was agin' me 

But I heads in any how." 

"Say, (I hollers at de big supe) 

We're a goin' round an' round 
Me stay bolts are a poppin' 

An' me whistle valve's tied down. 
Just order out de wrecker, 

Order out some doctors, too, 
'Cause you'll need 'em. Bo, a plenty, 

After 'Kid' McCoy gets tru." 

"He didn't even whistle off, 

Just grabs me by de hair 
An' he dictates a wire. Bo, 

As he released his air 
Dat's about all I remember ; 

Hully, Gee, Bo — I'm a sight, 
I'd a piled 'em high, old timer, 

But I wasn't steamin' right." 



"BILL KANE'S ATHLETIC MEET." 



An athletic tournament. 

Promoted by Bill Kane, 
Brought out a bunch of talent 

That would drive a man insane. 
The list included wrestling, 

And contests of every sort 
That go to make a tournament. 

Were included in the sport. 

The first thing on the program 

Was a short talk by Frank Brown, 
Who advised the boys to take it slow 

And keep the death rate down. 
A force of ten physicians 

Were engaged to spend the day, 
Attending to unfortunates 

Partaking in the fray. 



It was predicted that past records 

Would surely go to smash, 
When the classy field was lined up 

For the twenty-five yard dash. 
They all got off together, 

With Ed Hawkins in first place, 
But he knocked his automatic 

And was soon out of the race. 

Joe Fisher now was leading, 

And he set a sizzling pace. 
When glancing up a STOP sign 

Looked him squarely in the face. 
Through force of habit he threw off 

And was soon passed by Earl Swope; 
Then Tommy Tomlinson cut Earl out 

And killed his only hope. 

A short circuit in George Koeffler's field 

Soon put him out of line ; 
With Harry Lynn now leading 

And the bunch all running fine, 
George Miller fed up to full head 

And was first across the tape. 
When he sighted near the finish line 

A demijohn of grape. 

The pole vault showed five entries, 

With their wind a trifle thick; 
It was even money on the bunch. 

Bet your coin, and take your pick. 
"Abe" Steinbeck, with a trolley pole, 

Was first to take the leap. 
He cleared the bar at four feet two, 

And murmured "that's a heap.'' 

Joe Smith released his air and jumped. 

And the watchers heaved a sigh. 
When Dean and Brown (the judges) 

Announced it was a tie. 
Joe Swearengen then grasped a pole 

And rushed up to the bar 
As he gave an imitation 

Of a flat-wheeled falling star. 

John Moats and Hughie Kelly 

Were the next two men in line. 
The crowd all felt assured as Moats 

Said, "This is where I shine." 
He started, but the pole slipped, 

And the judges marked him missed; 
George Crane said : "Pay the penalty ; 

Back to the extra list." 



Hugh Kelly's jump was four feet one. 

Then the judges took a vote, 
And called the affair "No Contest." 

Then Pat Hurley cleared his throat 
As he clamored for attention; 

And the crowd all looked at Pat 
As he screamed, "Turn all yer trolleys 

And head for the wrestling mat." 

The crowd soon gathered 'round the mat, 

Dave Luke was referee. 
The bout to be catch-as-catch-can, 

Best two falls out of three. 
Elum Funk and Buehler 

Were matched to go the route, 
And as Elum stepped upon the mat 

The bunch sent up a shout. 

Frank Buehler in a bath robe 

That certainly was a scream 
Made of ninety yards of flannel, 

Was soon upon the scene. 
Dave called them to the center 

For instructions — then the bell 
Sent them on their journey. 

As the crowd let out 9. yell. 

Frank blew a fuse — Dave called a halt 

While Bill Guest made repairs ; 
With Elum pacing back and forth 

Like a lion in its lair. 
Frank was trying for a toe hold. 

With Elum on his knees. 
And was reaching for a trilby, 

When he found he had to sneeze. 

He sat back on his haunches 

His watery eyes closed tight ; 
When Elum sprang upon him, 

Full of energy and fight. 
George Green slipped in a crow-bar 

Near where Frank Buehler sat ; 
Elum pried him over 

And forced his shoulders to the mat. 

They came back for the next fall. 

With Frank's tongue upon his breast, 
And Elum looking confident. 

After fifteen minutes rest. 
They parried for a moment, 

Then Funk was seen to snatch 
A tongue hold — and he pinned Frank 

For two falls and the match. 



LORENZO D. HUTCHINSON. 



From out the wilds of Arkansaw 

The cane brakes and the brush 
Where hogs eat cabbage from a jug 

And a meal of milk and mush 
Is considered some swell banquet 

There came — an only son 
To make a record for himself, 

Lorenzo Hutchinson. 

"Lon's" the "main spring" for "Buzz" Lilley, 

And you will find him there 
With the smile that's everlasting 

And a saintly, baby stare. 
Now and then he's confidential, 

Though it's seldom — and don't last — 
He once grew reminiscent 

And told "Buzz" of his past. 

He told "Buzz" of a lady— 

His lady — of the South, 
With pretty, dainty dimples 

And a tantalizing mouth, 
Down in Shreveport, Louisiana, 

Where the cotton and the cane 
Litermingled with sweet clover 

In the shady. Southern lane. 

It was there he'd stroll with Nora 

In the balmy Southern air. 
And he told of how he lingered 

With his heart caught in her hair. 
He had promised to remember 

Their happy, sacred troth 
And would SOME day — send for Nora 

When he'd build a home— "Up Noth." 

So any time you feel that life 

Is hardly worth the while 
Drop in and see Lorenzo 

And bask in his Southern smile. 
His fluent Southern dialect 

That flows without a flaw 
Will take you on the wings of dreams 

To the hills of Arkansaw. 



-7- 



HUGH KELLY'S FAREWELL BANQUET. 



Our old friend Hughie Kelly 

Quit the West Side yesterday 
And his friends arranged a banquet 

Before he went away. 
They "signed on" in a body 

That filled the Junction Hall 
And all agreed this banquet 

Was THE banquet of them all. 

Pat Hurley was toastmaster 

With a long claw hammer coat 
A boiled shirt and a neck tie 

That covered up his throat. 
He was wearing bright green hosiery 

And patent leather "kicks," 
While on the table near his plate 

He placed two paving bricks. 

He spit on his hands — rolled up his sleeves 

Then climbed upon a chair 
As he shouted to the audience, 

"I'm the boss here — have a care. 
I have been selected as the man 

To do this thing up right 
And just one interruption 

Is enough to start a fight." 

"We are gathered here this evening 

To bid our friend good-bye. 
And the thought of Hughie leaving 

Brings a tear drop to my eye ; 
He's a man who's been respected 

By all who knew him well 
And to think he leaves forever 

Makes his old friends feel like h " 



"As a matter of precaution 

It is well to stop and think 
It means ten days on the extra list 

To slumber in the sink. 
When you feel yourself a slipping 

Hunt the middle of the floor; 
We want everybody peaceful 

When the cops break down the door." 

"I want everybody present 

To register with Funk 
Tell him where to send your body 

Before you get too drunk. 
I have just one more suggestion 

And I arise to shout, 
If you object to murder 

Put the Jack o' Diamonds out." 



"I hate him like I hate a snake ; 

He is a nuisance and a pest ; 
I'd like to step off thirty feet 

And lay this brick upon his chest. 
You have the schedule before you ; 

Let each man do his best, 
And if anyone refuses, 

Well— 1 will do the rest.' " 

Yon Swanson (Swedish nightingale) 

Arose and cleared his throat, 
Then sang "While You Are Leaving, 

We Still Have Your West Side Goat." 
George Kennedy jumped up and yelled 

"Someone choke Charlie Pegg, 
For he has tapped George Miller 

Thinking he had tapped a keg." 

When this riot had subsided 

Abe Hoshaw staggered out 
Dragging Floreke and George Koeffler, 

Pausing long enough to shout, 
"Here is something I fell over 

In the corner on the floor." 
Ed Hawkins blinked his eyes and said, 

"Heave 'em out the door." 



Poling felt his way along the wall 

And pulled Steve Johnson down 
As he mumbled, "Take your time, Steve, 

Take it easy — or you'll drown." 
Joe Smith then challenged Swearingen 

With a side bet of a hat 
To settle then — once and for all — 

Who was the human vat? 



Tommie Tomlinson was worried ; 

He ate a plate of hash, 
And every time he swallowed 

He heard the blamed stuff splash. 
Dave Luke crawled to a window 

To get a breath of air ; 
Abe Steinbeck broke his collar bone 

Falling off a chair. 

Bill Kane in turning over 

To help Frank Whitcraft down 
Rammed his fingers to his knuckles 

In the eyes of Charlie Brown. 
Joe Fisher called for water; 

Frank Brown said, "Name your price, 
I'll give one hundred dollars 

For a bandage of crushed ice." 



Earnest Nevvhart from the West Side 

Wiped his eyes upon his sleeve, 
As Patterson moaned sobbingly, 

''Who'll be the next to leave?" 
Jerry Simpson sobbed himself to sleep; 

Dean was hanging- to the keg; 
George Rick said, "Bring me mine, kid, 

For I'm grounded in one leg." 

When the bunch regained their senses 

They ran the w^ater meter hot 
Jim Hereford begged upon his knees 

To be taken out and shot 
"Jap" Runner said, "Of all the times 

This banquet beats them all ; 
There v^ill never be a blow out 

To equal Hugh's at Junction Hall." 



HEN MURRAY'S LITTLE CHAP. 



Shut off your blower, kiddo ; 

Cut your crossings, hit the spot, 
While I opens up my cylinder cocks 

And tells youse what is what. 

Me noives have been on tension 
For a month, and, on the dead, 

I was afraid to hook her up a hole, 
I might blow out a cylinder head. 

I have heaved black diamonds, kiddo, 

From Frisco to New York. 
I didn't know what excitement was 

Until I heads in on the stork. 

I have seen then piled sky high, old scout, 

While workin' on full head, 
But for real, rare, high old tension 

The stork sure beats them dead. 

Every time I whistles for the yards 

Me heart begins to drag. 
An' beatin' like an air pump 

While I look for that red flag. 

I'd ease into the round house 
Covered, kid, with beads of sweat. 

Then the nurse would give a signal, 
There's nothing doin' yet. 

But the stork arrived at last, kid, 

And now. Bo, I'm a pap. 
An' you had ought to throw your headlight 

On the outlines of that chap. 



He's the finest type of compound 

That ever hit the track. 
Six inches across his hips, Bo, 

And two feet across the back. 

He's the whole woiks, too, old timer, 
From the president on down ; 

We celebrates his every smile 
And trembles at his frown. 

The whole crew gathers round him 
Every time he whistles off, 

And we rally round his stall. Bo, 
Like pigs around a trough. 

His real weight is a mystery ; 

It is really not known. 
For he's only one week old, Kid, 

And at that this chap's half grown. 

I haven't held him in me arms ; 

That's a strange fact to relate. 
But I have always been afraid 

The chap might shake his grate. 

He'll be a high-brOw right, old timer ; 

The only time he'll ride a train 
Is when he's ridin' on the plush; 

He'll make HIS with his brain. 

I'll give this chap a rifl^ 
And before he's two foot high 

He'll clip the wings off hummin' birds 
And do it on the fly. 

So beat it for the rip track. Bo, 

For youse is runnin' wild. 
Just leave it to yours truly 

To produce the first prize child. 

Me head's so big that when I toin round 

I has to hunt a "Y," 
So line up on the sidin', Bo, 

x\nd watch me ramble by. 



^11— 



FIRE BOYS ON THE DIAMOND. 



Expecting to Organize a Ball Team, the Boys Are 

Practicing at the Sport and Are Reviewed 

by the Jack o' Diamonds. 



The Kansas City, Kansas, firemen, in anticipa- 
tion of organizing a ball team of fire fighters, are 
meeting at Brenneisen's Park in Armourdale every 
morning for a work-out. And, take it from me, I 
said a mouthful when I said WORK-OUT. The 
writer was an eye witness to a weird ordeal one 
day last week and, believe me, it was SOME com- 
edy. It is ONE thing to sit in a grand stand and 
watch professional ball players in a game of the 
national pastime and quite ANOTHER to don a 
glove and get into the game YOURSELF. A man 
has no idea of the amount of awkwardness he can 
develop until placed in a position to do something 
that appears so easy from a spectator's viewpoint. 

The boys chose sides after the school boy fashion 
and got right down to business. There was no par- 
ticular place for any particular man to work. It 
was a case of snatch a glove and help yourself. 
"Spit Ball" Holder tried himself out on the mound, 
but it will take some time to get his wing into 
proper condition. You could hear his joints creak 
every time he turned loose of the ball. One inning 
in the box was sufficient for the once famous "spit 
ball" artist. Then Jim Conroy tried his hand at the 
pitching game and, judging from the way "Califor- 
nia Jim" served 'em up, he figured the fielders' legs 
were made to run with. Frank Stack (the inventor) 
also tossed 'em over for a few innings. And this 
much must be said for Frank. He is cool and de- 
liberate under fire. "Wild Duck" Patterson went 
in to pitch an inning and "Bob" lobbed 'erii up to 
the plate till they looked as big as a circus trunk 
with electric lights on it. Ed Holder knocked a 
liner to "Bob" that arrived much sooner than it was 
expected and as "Bob" wore no chest protector the 
result was enough to convince him it was safer far- 
ther back on the diamond. So he retired in favor 
of "Chime" Baker. "Chime" whiffed 'em over like 
a Walter Johnson. He had everything; round house 
curves, smoke, low ones and a drop that was a 
puzzler. Frank Stack testified later that the ball 
looked like a pretzel after leaving "Chime's" hand. 
If it were not for "Chime's" bad habit of arguing 
with the umpire he would prove very successful. 
They missed "Bones" Harding and after searching 
for him an hour he was found asleep behind a bat. 
"Bones" is a heady player who is built for speed. 
Joe Simpson tried out in the left garden and after 

—12— 



watching Joe, both in the field and at bat, I still 
claim he is a FIRST CLASS CHAUFFEUR. The 
feature of the work-out was the home run clout of 
''California Jim" Conroy. Jim slammed the horse 
hide pill to the right field. Johnnie Fee, who was 
on watch in the right garden, evidently caught the 
alarm wrong, for he was late in getting started. 
Johnnie's bewilderment undoubtedly assisted "Cali- 
fornia Jim" to fatten his batting average, but four 
bases without a stop is a home run just the same. 
"Red" Calvin was plug man and he caught 'em in 
great shape. His peg to second was a trifle uncer- 
tain, but his whip will improve with work. "Bull 
Eye" Flynn worked all positions and is good any- 
where he works. Duffy Ford and "Buger" Sayers 
(pinch hitters) refused to work out on account of 
the cool weather. There was considerable wind 
and they were afraid the dust would injure their 
batting eye. "Noisy" Leslie worked one inning at 
the half-way station, but professional jealousy be- 
tween he and "Bones" Harding resulted in a heated 
argument and Leslie withdrew mumbling threats 
to himself. While playing the initial station "Spit 
Ball" Holder picked up a small bright wheel, appar- 
ently out of a watch. "Railroad Jack" Grippin sug- 
gested it may have worked out of the "Nobody 
Home" Hill's head the day before, but after some 
discussion "Pig Nose" Clark convinced them that 
nothing that large or that bright ever came out of 
"Tode's" head. 

The wheel still remains a mystery. Workouts 
will continue every morning but Sunday, weather 
and humane society permitting. 



'TICK UP" LOWE'S RETREAT. 



"Pick Up" Lowe at police headquarters 

Called Costello to one side 
And said, "I think I'll pick a crew 

To go out and stem the tide 
Of this bunch of fighting Germans 

In the European war. 
Where those foreigners are fighting 

And no one knows what for." 

"I made up a list last Sunday 

Of the men I want to take. 
And my bunch will fight like wild cats 

If there's anything at stake. 
I've got Mogle and 'Tex' Beekman, 

There's a pair who love to fight — 
When I do a thing, Costello, 

I attempt to do it right." 

—13^ 



"I want you and also Hoppes, 

And I want to take Tom Leen — 
A dozen men is all I need 

To wipe the slate up clean. 
Charlie Lorton is a good man ; 

He's a thoroughbred — dead game, 
But I hate to speak to Charlie 

For he has a German name." 

"I will take 'Big Bob' McKibbin, 

And I'll also take 'Snake' Chess. 
We will change this situation — 

If we don't I'll miss my guess. 
Seargeant Lyons and 7^"^' Cashin, 

Tegenkamp and 'Bear' LaFrance 
Is enough to clean the Germans 

With just half a fighting chance." 

"Pick Up" called a special meeting 

And the men were all on hand — 
Every copper swore allegiance 

To the plucky little band. 
They all agreed this warfare 

Was a detriment and curse ; 
Then 'Tick Up" Lowe appointed 

"Daddy Bell" as Red Cross nurse. 

"Pick Up" said, "We leave tomorrow, 

Bid your friends farewell tonight — 
I will pace the floor all night, men, 

I'm that anxious for a fight." 
Tom Leen said, "I'm with you, pardner, 

I'm a man that hates to boast, 
But I hope they put our pictures 

In the Kansas City Post." 

At five o'clock next morning 

They were rolling on their way — 
Every man was on his mettle, 

No one had a word to say. 
As the train pulled out of Parsons 

"Pick Up" wore a look of dread 
When he heard shouts of defiance 

Coming from the car ahead. 

He called a man across the aisle 

And Asked, "What's all that noise?" 
The stranger answered, "I don't know, 

But THINK it's COLLEGE boys." 
The conductor heard them talking 

And said, "College boys— not much— 
The car ahead of this one 

Is jammed plumb full — of Dutch." 

—14- 



"They've been singing all their war songs 

All the way along the line — 
That's their favorite they're singing now; 

It's called 'Die Wacht Am Rhein/ 
They have got a thousand rifles 

And ten machine guns there — 
Why, they'd riddle me with bullets 

If I asked them for their fare." 

"They have killed nine men this morning." 

"Pick Up" waited for no more; 
He turned to see his army 

Rushing headlong for the door. 
Above their shouts for "gang way" 

He heard the crash of glass 
And the voice of Tom Leen yelling 

"Stand back there — let me pass." 

Hoppes screamed above the tumult, 

"Pick a soft spot out to drop— 
You are like a lot of rummies 

Waiting for the train to stop." 
"Pick Up" joined his fleeing VN^arriors, 

And they silently trudged back. 
When a kid yelled, "What you doin'?" 

"Pick Up" said, "Inspecting track." 



DUFFY'S SUBSTITUTE. 



The fire boys at 3 house 

Were sitting out in front 
W^here "Pap" Callahan was telling 

Of an aviator's stunt 
He had seen at Elm Ridge race track 

About five years ago 
When the man on watch caught an alarm 

And bellowed — "It's our go." 

They made the run (a short one) 

To Berger avenue 
Where a negro church caught fire 

From an old defective flue. 
The boys put out the fire 

And slowly started back, 
When they heard the strains of music 

Coming from the ruined shack. 

They stopped, and Ross King whispered, 

"Say, boys, that sure is queer." 
Frank Stack said, "I feel creepy — 

Is everybody here?" 
"Buger" Sayers checked the men up 

And his face was pale and drawn 
As he turned to Stack and mumbled, 

"Why Duffy Ford is gone." 

—15— 



They crept back to the building 

And peeping through the door 
They could see through partial darkness 

Duffy's helmet — on the floor. 
Ford was seated at the organ 

With his slicker 'cross his knees 
And the strains of "Rock of Ages" 

Floated out upon the breeze. 

The next day Duffy told the boys 

Of when he used to play 
In a little country chapel 

In Slabtown, Iowa. 
'T was quite a church man then, boys, 

And was sure a winning bet — 
Say — old timers in that hamlet 

Talk about my playing yet." 

'T had an awful line of salve 

And often led in prayer; 
I had the parson on my hip — 

Yea, Bo — but I was there. 
Say, I made Billy Sunday 

Lay aside his ball and bat. 
I got so strong in my home-town 

They let me pass the hat." 

"Things were looking pretty rosy ; 

I had everything my way, 
But the parson and a deacon 

Met me on the street one day, 
And the parson said, 'Dear brother, 

We kept a check last night 
And the hat was short a dollar ; 

We have fears that all's not right." 

" 'Deacon Jones put in a quarter — 

Sister Parker did the same. 
I put in a marked half dollar — 

Tm not saying who's to blame. 
Brother Clark put in two buttons — 

It was YOU who passed the hat 
And these items turned up missing ; 

How do you account for that?" 

" 'Well,' I said, T'll tell you, parson, 

This looks like a double cross. 
It is nothing but a brace game, 

But of course you are the boss. 
And if you say it's the hardware 

All I've got to say is — shoot!' 
'Well,' he answered, 'all right, brother, 

I will name your substitute.' " 

-16- 



Ross King said, "I'll tell you, Duffy, 

I'd a knocked that parson cold 
If he came right out in public 

And inferred that I had stold." 
Duffy answered, "Well, the parson 

Didn't say it just like that, 
But, they got a one-armed fellow 

To come in and pass the hat." 



NITROGLYCERINE. 



Pat Hurley pushed his hat back 

And his face broke in a grin 
When they handed him a bottle 

"Eddie" Edwards had turned in. 
Pat is now the chief custodian 

Of all articles found on cars, 
And conductors turn in everything 

From nails to Mason jars. 

It is a part of Hurley's duty 

To take this stuff in hand 
And deliver it to headquarters. 

To the office, down on Grand. 
Well, they handed Pat this bottle. 

And Pat was much perplexed ; 
He scratched his head and murmured, 

"WHAT will they find NEXT?" 

"Yesterday I had a crowbar 

And the day before, a knife ; 
Why, one man phoned me just today 

That he had lost his wife. 
He described her as a woman 

Who was tall, black haired and thin. 
I had to promise him I'd call him 

If a conductor turned her in." 

Pat had left his glasses hanging 

In the pocket of his coat ; 
He tossed the Httle bottle up 

As he walked out to a "goat." 
Julius Dean called out to Hurley, 

"What you doing — playing ball?" 
Pat said, "No, Dean, I'm a juggler ; 

I'm rehearsing, that is all." 

Then Pat handed Dean the bottle 

And he gasped for breath as Dean 
Read aloud the flaring label, 

"NITROGLYCERINE." 
Dean said, "Say, Pat, don't jar this. 

If you drop it, it's 'Good Night,' 
Why this is ten times stronger 

Than a ton of dynamite." 

-17- 



"Handle that stuff mighty gently 

When you go to lay it down, 
There's enough dope in that bottle 

To blow up half the town; 
When you take that to the office 

Be sure a SAFE man runs the car, 
For there'll be no more Wyandotte 

If that bottle gets a jar." 

You would think Pat had the palsy; 

He trembled like a leaf 
As he said, "I'll tell you what. Dean, 

This dang job is full of grief." 
The next morning Pat caught Swanson's car 

And he took a long, deep breath. 
And he said, "Be careful, Swanson, 

For ONE JAR means instant DEATH." 

When "Yon" stopped at the North Western, 

Pat said, "Wait a minute, boss. 
Those tracks are mighty rough, "Yon," 

And I'd rather walk across." 
Swanson almost hit a wagon, 

Pat's face grew white as chalk 
As he said, "Stop easy, Swanson, 

I think I'd better walk." 

Pat took off his shoes and hid them, 

Then started down the street ; 
He concluded there would be less jar 

If he walked it in sock feet. 
The custodian at headquarters 

Said (as Pat came in the door), 
"Take your *turn ins' to the next room, Pat, 

And toss 'em on the floor." 

"Toss 'em ? Man, you're crazy ! 

You're the worst I've ever seen. 
If I toss This on the floor, 'Good Night,' 

This is nitroglycerine." 
The custodian put some on his tongue 

And his smile changed to a grin. 
As he said, "It's 'You' that's crazy. 

This is good, old, Holland Gin." 



I GETS 'EM KID DAPS ME. 

Roy Broadhurst down at Number 3 

Was talking to the bunch 
As he picked the chili from his teeth 

(He had just returned from lunch) 
When it comes to tossing out the slang 

Roy is champion of today. 
Here's exactly what he told the boys 

In his own peculiar way. 

—18- 



"Say, youse boneheads drive me dippy 

Wid yer insane line o 'bunc, 
An yer prattle's to de bad Bo, 

Can dat mouldy line o' junk 
When it comes ter judgin' killers 

An ter pickin' ladies joys 
Just lay yer bets on Willie, 

I'm de noise kid — I'm de noise," 

"Wy, youse haven't got a look in 

Wid de chickens of today, 
An yer w^heeze is out o' date Pal ; 

On yer way kid, on yer v^ay, 
I makes 'Lightnin' Rhoades de speed king 

Look like he was standin' still ; 
All he sees is just me tail light 

Disappearin' o'er de hill." 

"Dere's Bob Patterson at Number 1 

Who's been travelin' some of late. 
But when youse pikes me record 

Youse'U know dat Storm's a skate, 
When it comes ter coppin' chickens 

Say, youse guys ain't one-two-three. 
An youse has ter mitt your truly 

Per I gets 'em kid — dat's me." 

"Denver Seventy' tinks he goes some 

But dis mutt aint in me class, 
I could cut a leg off kiddo 

An still go by dis four flush glass. 
When it comes ter being pop'ler 

Wid de dolls Bo, hully gee, 
Derrick yer kelly ter me old timer 

Per I gets' em kid — dat's me." 

"One day off I spend wid Maggie 

An de next one goes ter Lou ; 
On me way ter lunch I chatters 

Wid me ever lovin' Sue, 
When it comes ter handlin' soft stuff 

Youse old timers ain't a ting 
I has a waitin' list old settler 

Dat is longer dan a string." 

"So on yer way youse pikers 

Wid yer insane line o' bunc, 
Youse are like a lot o' sailors 

Who are out upon a drunk 
Per I had a record, kiddo, 

Dat 'ud make youse climb a tree. 
An youse has ter bow ter me Bo, 

Per I gets 'em kid — dat's me." 



—19— 



NOBODY HOME. 



The firemen at headquarters 

Were lounging in their chairs, 
When a newly married couple 

Started up the office stairs. 
They went in to see McNarrey, 

Saying, "We're just looking 'round 
And we'd like to see your quarters 

Before we leave the town." 

"Jack" answered, "It's a pleasure, 
I'd be glad to show you through. 

But I'm covered up with office work 
And if it's all the same to you 

I will send a good man with you- — 
A man who knows this game — 

A fellow called 'Nobody Home,' 

Mr. HILL is this gent's name." 

"Jack" called "Tode" Hill and told him 

To show them through the place. 
During all this time the lady 

Wore a smile upon her face. 
"Tode" grew worried as he watched her 

Underneath her picture hat, 
And softly mumbled to himself, 

"What's that hoosier laughing at?" 

"I've a question I would like to ask," 

The lady said to "Tode"— 
"Tode" shifted his position 

As he answered, "Well, unload." 
" 'Nobody Home' 's a funny name. 

Why do they call you THAT?" 
"Tode" answerd, "That's a nickname. 

Just let it go at that." 

"That bunch of rookies you folks passed 

When you started up the stairs 
Will hang a nickname on a man. 

And they do it unawares. 
Now, while we're on the subject, 

See that first big corn fed 'wop?' — 
His name is Arthur Schleiffer, 

But he's known 'round here as 'Drop'. 

"When that guy sees an empty chair 

He simply has to flop ; 
Someone dubbed him 'Dropsy,' 

And for short we call him 'Drop.' 
That little fellow next to 'Drop' 

Is known as 'Joplin Grit ;' 
That guy's a hard boiled baby. 
Always up against the bit." 

—20— 



''The man who's sitting next to 'Jop/ 

That wears a life sized grin, 
With a jaw that looks like Sunny Slope, 

Is Baker — nicknamed 'Chin.' 
The next man's 'Lame Duck' Simpson, 

And the next one, 'Railroad Jack;' 
The next one's 'Sausage' Cooper, 

Also known as 'Bible Back'." 

"The next man's 'Wild Duck' Patterson, 

And the one against the wall 
Is 'Jimmie' Ball — a veteran, 

Called 'The Daddy of 'Em AIL' 
The man you see across the street — 

That guy that just turned 'round, 
Is 'Spit Ball' Holder — he was named 

For his work upon the mound." 

"Well, isn't that peculiar?" 

The girl said, with a laugh, 
"I'd think they'd change YOUR nickname 

And call you 'Phonograph.' " 
"Tode" answered, "Talk low, lady; 

If that bunch hears what you say 
They will act on your suggestion 

Before you get away." 

"Now, I'll show you folks our quarters," 

But the lady shook her head. 
After whispering to her husband 

She turned to "Tode" and said, 
"We've learned enough and thank you 

For the interest you have shown. 
But you belong upon a FARM — 

Good-day, 'Nobody Home.' " 



THE INDIGNATION MEETING. 



An indignation meeting 

Was held at Lyons' hall 
By street car men and firemen. 

Who sent out a general call 
For all who had a grievance 

To report that night at eight 
And they swore the Jack o' Diamonds 

Would surely meet his fate. 

"Yon" Swanson from the "L" road 

Made the opening address; 
Joe Simpson started out to find 

"Jack" Hippie of The Press; 
John Conaty and Pat Hurley 

Sat in silence by the door. 
With their automatic shotguns 

Resting on the floor. 

—21— 



George Koeffler made a long address, 

In which he said, "Mine friends, 
Dere comes a time, by golly, 

Ven dis foolishness must end." 
''Fuzzy" Merry (village blacksmith) 

Yelled, "You're right, my friend, you're right, 
But be on your guard or Hippie 

Will out-talk you guys tonight." 

"Blaze" Glass displayed a "black jack" 

When told of Hippie's pull 
And said, "J'll knock his block off 

If he goes to 'shootin' bull.' " 
Bob Bowman then "laid out his line," 

And the crowd sent up a shout 
When he cursed the Jack o' Diamonds 

For letting Armstrong "beat him out." 

"Yon" Swanson called for Patterson, 

Who had gone down to the street ; 
"Chime" Baker yelled up from below, 

"Bob is soaking his sore feet." 
George Fuller, from a window. 

Yelled, "Sit steady in the boat, 
Here come's Simpson with 'Jack' Hippie ; 

Now don't let him get your goat." 

"Jack" Hippie, smiling pleasantly, 

Then shook hands all around ; 
Pat Hurley clenched his fist and said, 

"The boys are losing ground." 
George Kennedy of the "L" road 

Then made a short address, 
Introducing Mr. Hippie, 

The owner of The Press. 



Kennedy said, "Now, Mr. Hippie, 

What these men want to know 
Is why you let the Jack o' Diamonds 

Ridicule the people so? 
We're not holding you responsible 

For the writing of this verse. 
But I warn you now, if this keeps up. 

Someone will need a hearse." 



Mr. Hippie said, "Why, gentlemen, 

I am really surprised. 
To talk to you is a pleasure 

That is seldom realized. 
And I hasten to assure you 

That I do not think it right 
To abuse the Jack o' Diamonds 

As you men have done tonight." 

=-22-. 



"I assure you he means no offense, 

And I say, Avith much regret. 
You are hasty in accusing 

A man whom few have met. 
I cannot reaHze you men, 

Of such vast intelHgence, 
Are so hasty to condemn a man 

With a feehng so intense." 

Pat Hurley nudged John Conaty 

And said, "Put up your gun; 
I told you that 'J^-ck' Hippie 

Would have them on the run." 
"Jap" Runner from the "L" road 

Yelled to Hippie, "You are right." 
"Blaze" Glass started down the stairway, 

As he bellowed back, "Good-night." 



NOT FOR THEM. 



WANTED— Auto polo chauffeurs, 
With clear and steady eye — 

We prefer men who are slender ; 
No timid need apply; 
Must work with open "cut out," 
Without fender or a shield. 

All applicants report today 
At Gordon-Koppel field, 

"Smoke" Dearduorf, up at 1 house, 

Sat straight up in his chair 
As he perused a hand bill. 

With his fingers in his hair. 
He finally got up, saying, 

"THAT work is where I shine — 
No more fire apparatus. 

It's the POLO game for MINE." 

"Smoke" went in to see McNarrey 

And said, "Chief, just look at this; 
Here is one chance of a lifetime — 

It's a chance I hate to miss." 
"Jack" looked the hand bill over. 

He read it through and through, 
Then turning to "Smoke" Dearduorf 

He said, "That's up to you. 

"If you think you want to try it 
I'll let you off today" — 

And fifteen minutes later 

"Smiling Smoke" was on his way. 

"Smoke" met Joe Simpson on the car 
And sung out, "Howdy, Bo, 

I thought that you were at home in bed- 
Say, where you going, Joe?" 

—23— 



"O, I was rather restless, 

So I thought I'd take a ride. 
Ever since I played that game o' ball 

I've been troubled with my side." 
Simpson had a hand bill in his hand 

And Dearduorf said, "Say, Joe, 
I'll bet you've got a secret 

That you don't want me to know." 

Joe smiled and said, "I'll tell you, 'Smoke,' 

I am really on my way 
To try out for a polo job 

That I hope to land today." 
"Smoke" answered, "Well, old timer, 

So am I — won't it be fun? 
This new game's ready money — 

Good-bye to No. 1." 

When they walked into the office 

Of the auto polo man 
"Smoke" did the talking for the two, 

And the boss explained the plan 
Of trying out the drivers. 

Joe looked back in the hall 
Where a pile of canes and crutches 

Were stacked against the wall. 

Joe pulled "Smoke's" sleeve and whispered, 

"Say, 'Smoke,' just look out there." 
"Smoke" felt a cold chill running 

From his heels up to his hair. 
"Is that a roll of carpet 

Lying out there in the hall?" 
The man shook his head and answered, 

"Nope— BANDAGES— that's all." 

"You see, we have to keep those things, 

We need them every day — 
Four men are busy all the time 

Carrying injured men away. 
But it's a fascinating game, boys; 

You will like it after while." 
"Smoke" turned to look at Simpson, 

With a weary, sickly smile. 



Joe whispered, "TELL him something." 

Then, in an undertone, 
"Smoke" said, "STAY WITH ME, Simpson, 

Don't leave me here alone." 
They brought a cripple in the room. 

With a gash across his face. 
The boss said, "All right, Dearduorf, 

Go out and take his place." 

—24— 



Joe Simpson edged toward the door, 

"Smoke" rumpled up his coat 
As he looked down at the cripple, 

With a big lump in his throat. 
The man said, "Where you going? 

You have only once to die." 
"Smoke" answered, "Nothing doing. 

We're going home — good-bye." 



A PHONEY HUNCH. 



Chief Gordon at headquarters 

Was closeted alone 
With "Cap" Fleming for an hour. 

Talking in an undertone; 
Men on duty at the station 

Uneasily paced the floor, 
While "Cap" Snyder sat in silence, 

With his gaze on Gordon's door. 

Cold sweat stood on Snyder's forehead 

As he shifted in his chair; 
This secrecy was maddening. 

There was something in the air. 
Captain Fleming, looking worried. 

With a warrant in his hand. 
Screamed at Snyder, "Get me twenty 

Of your best men — understand?" 

"Remember, I want men of courage 

Of the very highest grade; 
Have them here in twenty minutes 

And get ready for a raid. 
The men can ride the wagon. 

We're not going very far, 
And have Jack Jenkins meet me 

At the door with Gordon's car." 

Snyder answered, "All right. Captain, 

Rest assured Fll do my part; 
I will have the men all ready 

In ten minutes for the start." 
Captain Flemming called up Sergeant Biggs, 

In charge of No. 3, 
"Have 'Handsome Jack' and 'Toadstool Bob' 

Report at once to me." 

They reached their destination 

And "Cap" Fleming whispered low, 
"Surround the house — get ready — 

And await the signal, 'GO.' " 
Clarence (Motorcycle) Ryan 

For years had tried his best 
To figure out a method 

That was different from the rest. 

—25— 



Fleming gave the men positions, 

Placing Ryan out in front. 
Clarence spied a yawning coal hole 

And he murmured, "J^st the stunt." 
Without waiting for the signal, 

With a hasty glance around. 
He sat down on the sidewalk 

And slowly started down. 

He got down to his armpits. 

Where he wedged in and stuck fast; 
He found he couldn't budge an inch 

And time was flying fast. 
He felt 'round for a foothold 

In the darkness down below. 
Then he heard the coppers rushing in 

As Fleming shouted, ''GO." 

They loaded up the wagon 

And slowly started back, 
When everyone was startled 

By the voice of "Handsome Jack." 
"Jack" shouted, "Wait a minute, 

We are one man shy here, 'Cap.' 
I don't see Clarence Ryan, 

"Perhaps he fell into a trap." 

"Toadstool Bob" went back and found him 

And the cops sent up a shout. 
Then called the hook and ladder 

Down at 3's to get him out. 
Captain Fleming called the ambulance. 

And with a sheepish grin. 
Assisted by two coppers, 

Ryan slowly clambered in. 

Chief Gordon sent for Ryan 

And said, "You may explain 
Whether you were full of "two per cent" 

Or just naturally insane?" 
"Well, ril tell you, Mr. Gordon, 

I tried to beat 'em to the punch, 
Thinking it would help my standing, 

But I had a phoney hunch." 



"DANCING NOBLE." 

Henry Noble of the "L" road 

Went to see "In Old Kaintuck," 
Where he saw the pickaninnies 

In their famous "Mobile Buck." 
Henry always did like dancing, 

Though he never learned the art, 
And he'd often said, "Fd like to learn, 

But it's too late now to start." 

—26- 



When the final act was over 

Henry sat as in a trance, 
With his thoughts in old Kentucky, 

And still wishing he could dance. 
His wife said, ''Let's go, Henry," 

And he nodded, with a smile, 
Then startled all those near him 

When he started up the aisle. 

He lit out and went to dancing 

And the crowd looked on aghast 
As Henry cut the "Pigeon Wing" — 

The pace was getting fast. 
He threw his coat away and yelled, 

"Just watch yer Uncle Sid; 
ril show you high browed critters 

I'm the single-footin' kid." 

There was no such thing as stop him 

When he "threw her on full head." 
He screamed, "I'll make the schedule 

Or they'll carry me out dead." 
His right foot was a dandy 

And it set an awful pace. 
While the left foot was contented 

To just hang back and "fill space." 

They could hear his "motors whining" 

When he did the "catfish glide," 
As he yelled, "If you don't like it 

You can lump it — durn your hide; 
I don't have to hunt a 'short rail,' 

Durn ye — I can make the time. 
And if I don't catch my leaders, Bub, 

They shore will have to climb." 

A man yelled, "Some one stop him," 

And above the awful din 
Henry screamed out, "Quit yer kiddin'. 

What you doin' — breakin' in? 
I'm a dancin' baby, stranger. 

Bet on me, kid — I can't lose. 
And I'll show you ginks some dancin' 

Tf I don't 'blow out a fuse.' " 

Men were shouting, ladies fainted; 

Henry slackened up the pace. 
Then the look of fright and worry 

Slowly left his wife's pale face. 
Henry settled down, exhausted, 

And the crowd sent up a shout, 
As Mrs. Noble smiled and said, 

"Thank God— 'the power's out.' " 



r~27— 



DAVE GOSNEY'S SHOPPING TRIP. 



*Tee Wee" Gosney of the "L" road 

Had been worried here of late 
And his friends could see him losing flesh 

At a most alarming rate. 
He was peevish and sarcastic 

As he said, "To save my life 
I can't decide on what to buy 

As a present for my wife." 

"Next Thursday is her birthday, 

And I don't know what to get ; 
I began to figure 'way last month 

And I am figuring yet." 
His motorman suggested leaving 

The decision to a clerk, 
Saying, "They will help you, Tee Wee,' 

For that's THEIR line of work." 

"Pee Wee" finally decided 

To take his friend's advice, 
Saying, "I must get a present 

Appropriate and nice." 
He started for the city, 

Still wondering what to get, 
And soliciting opinions 

From acquaintances he met. 

Dave left the car at Main street 

And started for a store. 
But his heart began to fail him 

When he got inside the door. 
He saw a "stocking dummy" 

And a flush came o'er his face, 
His feet felt big and awkward — 

"Pee Wee" sure felt out of place. 

A floorwalker approached him 

In a business sort of way, 
And smiling blandly questioned, 

"Something for YOU today?" 
"Pee Wee" sideled up and told him. 

And Dave stood with quaking knees. 
When he heard the big floorwalker call, 

"Miss Jones, one moment, please." 

He introduced Miss Jones to Dave, 

Then left them in the aisle. 
With Dave feeling mighty awkward 

Basking in Miss Jones' smile. 
Then Dave whispered, confidentially, 

"Miss Jones, I'm in a fix, 
I want a present suitable 

For a lady of twenty-six." 

r-28-r 



Miss Jones said, "Kid, I got cha, 

I can fix you, betcher life. 
Now, is this for a lady friend? 

Or is it for your wife?" 
Dave said, "Why, for my WIFE, of COURSE, 

Why, who ELSE could it be?" 
She turned a scornful face and asked, 

"Say, are you KIDDIN' me?" 

Dave assured her he meant business. 

And she said, "All right, but then 
I want to tell you it's some job 

To dope out you STREET CAR men. 
Now, I'd like to get your lineup : 

Would you like a painted dish? 
Or, I have some swell silk stockings 

I'll show you if you wish." 

Dave blurted out, "Say, listen, 

You don't understand me right; 
I came in to make a purchase 

And not to see the sights. 
My time. Miss Jones, is limited. 

Furthermore, I do not care 
A thing about you personally 

Or the hosiery you wear." 

Miss Jones said, "On the level, 

To kid YOU would be a shame." 
Then she shouted to a salesgirl, 

"Did you hear this 'midget,' Mayme?" 
She turned to Dave and said, "Say, kid. 

Get THIS dope through your block, 
Take a tip from one that knows, kid. 

Buy her something she can't hock." 

"Now is this skirt a chicken, 

Or is she just home spun?" 
That's as far as Miss Jones ever got, 

"Pee Wee" left her on the run. 
He went back home, discouraged, 

And threw his money down, 
Saying, "Buy yourself a present, dear. 

The next time you go to town." 



THE IDEA THAT DIDNT PAY. 

E. P. Staten, train dispatcher 

For the "Leavenworth," scratched his head. 
"I'm tired of this monotony, 

I may as well be dead ; 
They tell me there is talent 

'Mongst the boys that's simply fine. 
I'll get V. M. Combes to help me. 

And we'll let them show their line." 

—29— 



Ed 'phoned J. W. Richardson 

And told him of his plan. 
The "big supe" said, "All right, Ed, 

I will help you all I can ; 
It will bring the men together 

In a social sort of way, 
Inspiring good fellowship — 

It's an idea that should pay." 

Ed at last arranged his program, 

Then arranged to rent a hall — 
The largest one in Wolcott, 

With seating room for all. 
They held the last rehearsal, 

Staten's face was all aglow 
As he mailed the invitations 

For the big home talent show. 

J. G. Herrin was announcer. 

And, with long claw-hammer coat, 
He walked before the curtain. 

Swallowed hard — then cleared his throat. 
"Folks, Fm not a real performer, 

I've been marked up to assist. 
We have fourteen on the program, 

Besides the extra list." 



"The first thing on the blackboard 
• Is a song by J. R. Glenn 
Called 'When the Travel's Heavy 

And the Company's Short of Men;' 
J. E, Marquis and George Eaton 

Pull off a brother stunt, 
A sketch written by Dave Johnson, 

Entitled 'Up in Front.' " 

J. M. Sessions (Fourth street agent) 

Yelled, "We're ready, let 'er go ; 
We didn't come to hear you rave, 

We came to see the show." 
Herrin bowed and walked off awkwardly 

And 'midst deafening cheers and yells 
The curtain shot up skyward 

As J. G. Carter gave two bells. 



Glenn seemed to have poor power — 

He stopped and cleared his throat. 
He was feeling for the sand punch 

As he rumpled up his coat. 
He twisted, squirmed and fidgeted, 

With his eyes upon his shoes. 
John Fitzpatrick bellowed loudly, 

"Slip that 'simp' a ribbon fuse." 

—30— 



Frank Hodge began to giggle, 

Willis Martin yelled, ''You're gone;" 
Homer Ford screamed out, "He'll make it 

If you put his trolley on." 
J. W. Richardson arose 

And walked across the hall. 
He looked at Glenn, then shouted, 

"He is grounded — that is all." 

Herrin came before the audience 

And said, "Let me explain; 
We'll be running in a moment — 

We have sent for Harry Kane. 
Remember, this delay, friends, 

Could be a whole lot worse." 
Then the audience arose and yelled, 

"Good-night, nurse !" 

They slowly filed out of the hall. 

As they hurled back taunts and jeers; 
Ed Staten (the promoter) 

Couldn't check the flow of tears. 
He sobbed out, "Mr. Richardson, 

My idea didn't pay." 
Mr. Richardson said, "Don't cry, Ed ; 

We will find some other way." 



NARROW ESCAPES. 



You'se belch erbout yer narrer scapes 

In a way ter make me weep ; 
Wy, I've had nutten but dem kind 

Since I first begins ter creep. 
Youse never had a head end 

An' if youse ever left de track 
You'd run so fer it ud take six weeks 

Fer youse ter hike it back. 

I was breakin' on de Tip Up 

On de local, in de swing, 
We was battin' 'em out o' Keokuk 

In a way ter make youse sing. 
I was standin' on a sixty foot, 

We was crossin' a ravine 
Dat was two miles ter de bottom, kid. 

When I looks up an' seen 

A cow upon de right o' way 

A-headin' fer de track — 
I just let's go an' hits de grit 

Wid out once lookin' back. 
Lookin' down in dat ravine 

Was like lookin' in a well 
An' I says ter myself, says I, 

"Yer a dead 'un, shore as h " 



—31- 



It tuk me forty seconds, Bo, 

Ter fall dat two mile route, 
An' it was fully seven blocks 

To de nearest passage out. 
I turns over tirty thousand times 

And lights upon me knees ; 
I could see de sun a shinin' 

Where I comes down tru de trees." 

I bounced around among de rocks 

Den gets upon me feet 
An' outside of a bruise er two 

And de loss o' two front teet 
I was just as good as ever 

Wid me joints a workin' loose, 
So up I hikes — tears around. 

An' ketches de caboose." 

De connie says, "Now see here, Bill, 

I'm a guy wot never raps 
But yer in de swing — not on behind 

An' yer got ter do yer laps." 
Den I shows 'im where me teet was gone 

An* I tells 'im 'bout me fall 
He says, "Next time, ketch de middle. Pal, 

Er don't git on a tall.' 



DIPLOMAT GIBSON. 



Detective Walter Gibson 

(The copper diplomat) 
Removed with care his tan kid gloves 

And his black fedora hat; 
He laid aside his walking stick 

And dusted off his shoes. 
Then smiled up at the Sergeant 

As he ventured, "What's the news?" 

"The 'Big Chief wants to see you 

And he's all ablaze to-day — 
Slip up easy on him, Walter, 

And be careful what you say. 
He is on his bad behavior — 

Everybody's walking chalk. 
And here's a tip — old timer — 

Cut that dictionary talk." 

"O ! thank you, Mr. Snyder, 

You have made it very clear. 
I shall call upon the chief, sir. 

Without the slightest fear, 
You should call him Mr. Gordon, 

Your grammar is at fault — 
Address all men as Mister!" 

Snyder answered : "All right, Walt." 

—32- 



The chief was very busy 

So the diplomat sat down ; 
Then suddenly the 'Big Chief turned 

On Walter with a frown, 
Saying, "Gibson, here's a warrant 

For a man named Barney Flynn, 
He is wanted as a forger, 

Go out and bring him in." 

"Thank you, Mr. Gordon, 

Thank you very much — good day," 
Then picking up his walking stick 

He started on his way. 
Barney Flynn was playing poker, 

A man asked Gibson in — 
Walter bowed and said, 'T thank you, 
I have called for Mr. Flynn." 

Walter strolled up to the table 

Where the men were playing cards. 
As Barney growled "Make room there 

For another feller — pards." 
"No, gentlemen, I thank you, 

I do not play the game; 
I am from police headquarters, 

Mr, Gibson is my name." 

"I trust you'll pardon this intrusion 

And I regret to say 
That Mr. Flynn must leave you. 

He is going far away. 
The state of Indiana 

Has requested his arrest 
On the serious charge of forgery — 

I assure you it's no jest." 

Barney sat with mouth wide open, 

Staring at the diplomat. 
Walter said : Fm in a hurry, 

Mr. Flynn, go get your hat." 
Barney shook his head and mumbled 

"You must be a suffraget! 
I have seen queer coppers in my time. 

But you're the queerest yet." 

"We shall not discuss that subject 

Just at present, Mr. Flynn, 
I am just obeying orders 

Of the chief to bring you in 
When he handed me the warrant 

'Bring him in' — was all he said. 
You have your preference, Mr. Flynn, 

Shall you go alive — or dead?" 



"Nothin' doin' in the dead line — 

Trot along, son! Trot along! 
You are sure a queer one, Kiddo, 

But I'm with you — right or wrong." 
Arriving at the station 

Walter ushered Barney in, 
Saying: "This is Mr. Snyder — 

Mr. Snyder, Mr. Flynn." 

Snyder bellowed, "All right, fellows, 

Get around and search that Mutt, 
If he offers to resist you. 

Just bat 'im on his nut." 
Barney said, "Well, that's more like it, 

Now I know where I am at, 
Say 'Bull' who was that 'gum shoe?' " 

Snyder answered: "Diplomat!" 



SANTA WAS GOOD TO THE FIREMEN. 

Santa made his annual visit 

And the boys are smiling yet 
While the all absorbing question 

Is— "Hello— What did you get?" 
On a trip to all the houses 

Made a day or two ago, 
I found the bunch all happy, 

With their faces all aglow. 

Chief McNarrey got a nozzle, 

"Lindy" got a length of hose. 
Bert Dill got a fountain pencil, 

Bradshaw got a suit of clothes; 
Joe Simpson got a parrot, 

That can sing a song in dutch; 
John Conaty got a music roll 

"Crip" Abrahams got a crutch. 

"Chime" Baker got a pair of oars 

For his new motor boat; 
Art Schleifer got a mandolin, 

Mike Gorman got a goat; 
George Fuller got a leather cap. 

The best I've ever seen; 
"Blaze" Glass (The flying wonder) 

Got a pint of gasoline. 

Maurice Merry got a hammer 

"Jimmie" Ball — a dinner pail, 
Dan O'Donnell got a tooth brush, 

"Ugly" Clark — a heavy veil ; 
"Sleuth" McCuUough got false whiskers, 

And a wireless telegram ; 
While Santa left Bob Patterson 

A fourteen pound smoked ham. 



Tim Morrisey got a clay pipe, 

Jacobson got a pint of booze, 
And Santa Claus left "Pickie" Bell 

A pair of running shoes. 
"Giby" Gibson was presented 

With a set of building blocks; 
"June'' Marshall got a hair net, 

And Ralph Smith — a pair of socks. 

Barrington got a pair of goggles, 

Lee Morgan got a gun, 
"Buger" Sayers got a corset 

"Pap" Callahan got a "bun ;" 
Sam Nichols got a hair brush, 

Lee Hobin got a hat, 
"Tubby" Williams was remembered 

With a box of anti-fat. 

"Dennie" Sheehan got a Bible, 

"Foxy Grandpa" got a wig, 
"Noisy" Leslie got a damper, 

And a book on "How to Jig." 
"Sticks" Conroy received a picture 

Of a fire scene called "Relief;" 
"Stokie" Hill received a pension 

With best wishes of the chief. 



Grover Carpenter got a medal, 

Made of pig iron and concrete; 
Frank Stack got his "patent" papers 

And it took him off his feet. 
"Warbler" Broadhurst got a chicken, 

Jim McCaulley got a tie. 
While Bob Maher got a bracelet 

And a bottle of "Clarke's Rye." 

John McLean received a helmet 

Arthur Dudley got a vest, 
August Asplund got this message 

From old Sweden : "Go your best, 
"Tate" Hanson got a mouth harp, 

Leo Nichols got a drum, 
Jodie Williams got a rifle. 

To keep 'spooks' upon the run. 

"Pierpont" Morgan got a bathrobe 

That certainly was a peach ; 
"Big Ben" Armstrong and Bob Bowman 

Got a flannel shirt, each; 
Fred White got a bright red sweater, 

"Guinea" got a pair of dice. 
Captain Jones — a pair of glasses, 

And a case of "Bud" on ice. 

—35— 



Tommy Drummey got a cradle, 

"Buck" Buckhalter got a knife, 
''Storm" Blake got a box of stogies; 

Frank McCoy? He got a wife. 
Jimmie Wall — a woolen blanket. 

To keep out the winter breeze ; 
Walter BemoU was remembered 

With some rare limburger cheese. 

Frank Reynolds got a match box, 

Walter Merry got a flag. 
Harry Calvin got a curry comb, 

Joe Lukens got a jag, 
Walter Laverach got a hat pin, 

*Teet" Quinlan got a fife, 
Fred Bruns and Harry Powers 

Got the book, "A Fireman's Life." 

Harry Watson got a fiddle, 

Hanson got a Teddy Bear, 

Jack Gallagher got a phonograph, 

Roy Sinclare — a lock of hair. 
Lieutenant George received a go cart, 

Aaron Smith a shaving mug, 
"Bones" Harding got a field glass 

And Ed Coleman got a rug. 

"White Mule" Deal — a pair of handcuffs. 

"Sausage" Cooper got a fan. 
While a warship in the minature 

Was presented to Koran. 
"Tode" Hill got an opium lay out. 

Some one sent Moran a hod, 
Swingley got a porous plaster, 

Ben Rhoads got a lightning rod. 



EASY MONEY. 



When Joe Fisher of the "L" road 

Signed off the other night 
He said to Frankie Wittcraft; 

"I am feelin' out o' sight 
I overheard two fellows 

Talking in the vestibule 
When we were coming west last rtip 

About a game of pool." 

"I used to be some pumpkins 

At the game of pool — myself 
I've sent many would be champions 

To the discard on the shelf 
Those fellows got me all worked up 

And to-night I think I'll blow 
To the city for a scout around 

And pick up some easy dough." 



Frankie answered : Save your money 

You may run against a snag," 
Joe said : "Nothing like that, Frankie, 

While I do not wish to brag 
I will tell you that Tve started 

With one dollar in my jeans, 
And when Fd saunter home that night 

Fd have a hundred beans." 



Joe borrowed fifty dollars 

That evening — from his wife 
Saying: — *'F11 lay off to-morrow. 

And we'll have a taste of LIFE, 
When I get through with Johnnie Kling, 

Bennie Allen and that bunch 
We'll invite our friends to join us 

At the Baltimore — for lunch." 

Joe stood at Ninth and Main awhile 

Then started up the hill 
As he fumbled in his pocket 

For his fifty dollar bill. 
He heard the click of pool balls 

And with an eager grin 
He read the sign : "THE MONARCH," 

Said : "That's me" — and hurried in. 



Joe rushed up to a table 

And threw his money down, 
As he bellowed : "There is fifty 

With a challange to the town," 
A smooth faced, pleasant fellow 

Stepped up to Joe and said : 
"Put your money in your pocket — 

Go home and go to bed." 

Joe raised his voice and shouted : 

"Say — where'd you get that bunc? 
I came in here to clean the sharks; 

You talk like I was drunk. 
Say, Kid — trot out your Cracker Jack, 

Fll show HIM that I'm no fool; 
I'll bet fifty bucks I beat him 

One hundred points — straight pool." 

The little fellow answered : 

"Go get yourself a cue, 
I will play you for your fifty 

As I've nothing else to do." 
They lagged for break — Joe Fisher lost 

And broke them with a smile, 
Saying: "There they are, get what you need, 

I'll get MINE, kid— after while." 

—37— 



Joe began to grow uneasy 

As the small man 'run 'em down.' 
When the referee called : "Forty-nine" 

Joe's smile changed to a frown 
The referee called: *'Ninety-eight," 

Then, "Ninety-nine and game." 
Joe called the referee and asked : 

"Say — what is that guy's name?" 

The referee smiled and answered : 
"There's his picture on the wall; 

He is known as 'Cowboy' Weston, 
Ex-champion of them all. 

Joe slowly put his coat on; 

Weston called : "Time off on ten." 

Then he turned to Fisher, saying: 
"Glad I met you — call again." 



WHEN BUCK KAUFFMAN TAMED THE CAT. 

Ed Hawkins (from the West Side line) 

"Signed off" the other night, 
Then paused a while to listen 

To the story of a fight. 
Dave Luke was telling George Green 

Of a fight long years ago 
In County Mayo, Ireland, 

Where they battle toe to toe. 

Hawkins listened for a moment, 

Then he said, "Say, listen, Dave, 
I've been standing here ten minutes 

Listening to you rant and rave; 
Why, I've seen more real fighting 

On the 'West Side' in one night 
Than you've seen in all your life time — 

Real old knock down, dragout fights." 

"I remember one tough baby 

Got on our car one night 
Four corn rows cross the shoulders 

And his middle name was 'Fight.' 
When Steve Johnson went to get his fare 

He looked up with a scowl, 
Saying, 'I'm a screaming wild cat, kid, 

And this is my night to howl.' 

"Back yonder in Montana 

They call me 'Rough House Dick ;' 
I'm hog wild an' I'm pizen 

An' I come from 'Bitter Crick.' 
I ain't a'skeered o' nuthin' 

That kin walk, hop, jump er creep; 
I drink out of a cow track 

An' I climb a tree to sleep." 

—38- 



"Vm the toughest galoot in Wyandotte ; 

I've eat 'em alive fer years, 
An' the bell upon an ambulance 

Is sweet music to my ears. 
If you coyotes are huntin' trouble, 

Peel yer duds — that's whar I shine. 
I've cut ten throats this evenin', Gents, 

An' street car men's my line." 

"If yer hankerin' for a murder, 

Just stay right whar you are ; 
It won't take me but a minute 

To make a hearse out of this car. 
Send yer last word to yer widder, 

Tell her that a big galoot 
Is sizin' up yer wind pipe 

An' whettin' his bowie on his boot." 



''Steve Johnson stood there shakin' 

And pulling at his vest 
As he stammered, 'Glad to meet you, 

Glad to have you as our guest, 
I hope you stay a long time 

And you can ride this goat 
'Till the wheels wear to the axles. 

But please, don't cut my throat.' " 

" 'Buck' Kauffman (working extra) 

Flagged me down at Riverview ; 
He'd run out of transfers and he said, 

'What you doing — running through? 
Then I stepped up close and whispered 

Of the passenger inside 
Who was pining for a murder 

And who wouldn't pay to ride." 

" 'Buck' took off his coat and changer 

And laid aside his cap 
As he bellowed, 'I'm a demon, 

And I'm looking for a scrap.' 
He rushed in to the 'Wild Cat' 

And grabbed him by the throat 
Then things began to happen 

In that little 'West Side Goat.'" 

"I could hear the 'Wild Cat' wheezing 

As he struggled for his breath 
And I heard him faintly murmur, 

'Please don't choke a guy to death. 
Here's yer nickel — What's yer hurry? 

I won't skeer you any more.' 
Kauffman said, 'I'll let you go, kid, 

After I mop up this floor." 

—39— 



"My conductor never waited 

For the finish of the fray 
But ran to police headquarters 

Fourteen blocks away. 
He returned with fifty coppers, 

Fearing for 'Buck' Kauffman's fate. 
Kauffman said, 'Give me some transfers ; 

Hurry on, Steve, I am late." 

WHEN "SPIT BALL" HOLDER SAVED THE 
DAY. 

Ed Holder (working extra) 

Was sitting down at 3's 
With an old time sporting annual 

Lying across his knees. 
"When I read this it reminds me 

Of when I played league ball, 
When I saved the day for Anson, 

Fifteen years ago, last fall." 

"I'd hurt my ankle, sliding home 

And I sure was feeling blue 
Sitting 'round the Auditorium 

With nothing at all to do. 
The mayor of Chicago 

Saw me early in the day 
And said, 'Why, Hello, Holder, 

Let's go see the White Sox play.* " 

"Well, we went out to the ball park 

(The mayor had a box) 
And I sat awhile and chatted 

With 'Cap' Anson of the Sox. 
'Cap' told me on the quiet 

That his pitching staff was lame 
And offered me five hundred bucks 

To go in and pitch the game.'* 

" 'Cap' had a classy lineup, 

But his pitching staff was weak ; 
He was playing against a picked team 

That was simply one blue streak. 
'Kid' Nichols and Hugh Jennings 

Were two that played that day 
And two more, as fast as lightning, 

Were McGraw and Von Der Aye." 

"When 'Cap's' team went out for practice 

Half the grandstand was in tears ; 
They'd never seen 'Cap's' team so slow 

And crippled up in years. 
'Cap' had bet the family jewels 

And I saw right from the start 
The way 'Cap' sat and worried 

He was surely losing heart." 

—40— 



"At the close of the first inning 

The score stood six to one, 
With the picked team winning easily; 

It looked like 'Cap' was done. 
'Cap' staggered over to my box, 

Pulled me down and whispered, Say, 
For the love of heaven. Holder, 

Go in, and save the day.' " 

"I said, 'I've got a world of speed 

And wouldn't mind a spurt 
But I'm afraid, 'Cap,' to cut loose 

For someone will be hurt.' 
'Cap' said, 'I'll take a chance, Ed; 

If there's a law suit, I'll stand pat, 
And I've got a dead swell catcher, Kid, 

To work behind the bat.' " 

" 'Ten Thousand Dollar' Kelly 

Was billed to catch that day. 
And I said to 'Cap,' 'Take Kelly out 

And I'll go in and play.' 
I didn't want to hurt him 

So they took him out, and Krupp 
Went in as Kelly's substitute 

And I went out to warm up." 

"Once again I warned 'Cap' Anson 

Of my terrific speed. 
He said, 'I've got to work you, Ed ; 

You're just the man we need.' 
I wound up for the first one 

And the umpire yelled. Strike one ! 
I saw the catcher on the ground 

And knew that he was done." 

"The ball went through his catching mitt. 

And tore off his left hand; 
Then hit the ground behind him 

And went out through the stand. 
It hit the curbstone just outside 

And took a nasty bound. 
Then hit a city water plug 

And broke it off, right at the ground." 

"When the water from the broken plug 

Broke through I heard a shout ; 
The police used life preservers 

To get the people out. 
The grounds were under water 

And the clubhouse was afloat ; 
We took the catcher to high land 

In Anson's motor boat.*' 

—41— 



"McGraw rowed to 'Cap' Anson 

And forfeited the game, 
While a dozen sporting writers 

Clamored loudly for my name. 
I looked at that poor catcher, 

Writhing on the ground in pain ; 
I swore off playing ball right there 

And never played again." 



THE FIREMEN'S ANNUAL BALL. 

The twentieth of November 

Was THE big night of all, 
For that's the night the firemen 

Held their Eleventh Annual Ball; 
There was a brushing up of uniforms, 

Everybody wore a smile, 
For that's one time the "laddies" 

Like to do things up in style." 

'Tap" Callahan led the Grand March 

And "Pap" was at his best ; 
He walked until his tongue hung out 

Upon his fancy vest. 
"June'' Marshall begged for mercy 

And called to Patterson, 
"For the love of Mike tell Callahan 

This is no marathon." 

"Jakie" Jacobson and Art Schleifer 

(A graceful, winsome pair) 
Were ushered from the ball room 

For doing the "Grizzley Bear." 
Between the dances Conaty 

Sang, "When the State Was Wet," 
Assisted in the offering 

By the "Tom Cat Male Quartette." 

Hugh McCullough came in smiling 

And every one arose 
Hugh yelled, Jack Gallagher now will sing, 

"Where the River Shannon Flows." 
Theodore Hanson and Sam Nichols 

Besieged Secretary Dill 
To find them both a partner 

For an Arkansaw quadrille. 

They had to tie Lee Hoben 

When Arch Clark got up to sing, 
"When the Slush is in the Gutter 

And We Feel the Breath of Spring." 
Dan O'Donnell told Lee Morgan 

That he'd spring a big surprise 
When the bunch of classy dancers 

Went to waltzing for a prize. 

—42— 



Chief McNarrey took precautions, 

And before the big prize dance 
He ordered five physicians 

And the auto ambulance. 
Walter Bemoll climbed upon the stage 

And screamed so all could hear, 
"We need ladies for the prize waltz ; 

Who will volunteer?" 

A lady standing near him said, 

"If it comes down to the worst 
I'll take a chance, but I wouM like 

To see my partner first." 
Walter then led Harry Watson out 

And the lady said to Dutch, 
"I refuse, because I can't afford 

To buy myself a crutch." 

"Dutch" then introduced Walt Leverach 

And asked, "How does he look?" 
And the crowd smiled as the lady 

Said, "Ye gods, man, get the hook." 
He next offered Harley Gunnerson 

And the lady shouted loud, 
"I said I might dance with a man, 

But nix. Bo, on that crowd!" 

Harry Powers was disgusted 

When things began to drag 
And yelled, "You can't get ladies, 

Let the prize waltz be a stag." 
Ralph Smith agreed with Harry 

And they sent for "Jimmie" Ball, 
Then gave him these instructions, 

"Order crutches for them all." 

"White Mule" Deal and Henry Swingley 

Were a likely looking pair 
And tied up for first honors 

With Cooper and St. Clair. 
Andrew Hanson and Frank Reynolds 

Looked to be the second choice 
And were getting stretched out nicely 

When they heard McNarrey's voice. 

"Call it off — there is no winner; 

I insist it is not right 
To stand here and see our money 

Going as it is tonight. 
Just remember you'll be draining 

Our treasury to the dregs 
Paying out our needed money 

For a lot of broken legs. 

-43— 



The dancers, breathing heavily, 

Were led off with a frown 
To a waiting delegation 

Detailed to rub them down. 
At ''Home, Sweet Home,'' the crowd all stood 

And gave three rousing cheers, 
Agreeing this eclipsed all balls 

Held in the previous years. 



"THAT DURNED OLD HOUN' DAWG SONG." 
A Wail From Arkansaw. 



IVe been listnin' to Missourians 

Howlin' 'bout that houn' dawg song. 
They're losin' lots o' needed sleep 

Tryin' ter find whar it b'longs. 
Now we uns here in Arkansaw 

Have grievances enough 
Without a-bein' hampered 

With that fool line o' stuff. 

You uns talk about hill billies 

An' one gallus hackensacks. 
But durn yer hides, thar hain't no moss 

A sprouting on our backs. 
All yer high ferlutin' fiddlers 

Said the durned song was a fright, 
'Twas a case a feedin' nonsense 

To a Wagner appetite. 

Now we uns don't know Wagner, 

An' we don't care a cuss. 
Fer the Arkansaw Traveler, Mister, 

Is good enough fer us. 
You may wish that song on Tennessee, 

But listen ; durn yer craw, 
Don't try ter land that tar heel song 

Down here in Arkansaw. 

You uns say that here in Arkansaw 

Water is a drug. 
You uns also claim our razorbacks 

Eat cabbage from a jug. 
We'll take that, stranger; yes, siree, 

Fer we want to git along; 
But durn yer pesky livers. 

Keep yer durned old houn' dawg song. 



-44- 



"HIS RECORD." 



Say, youse guys tink yer brakies, an' de way youse 

toss de bunc, 
U'd do credit to old timers who were out upon a 

drunk ; 
Wy wid all dis Janey system, niakin' couplins is 

a cinch, 
An' any kid could do it, or a woman, in a pinch. 

Youse only broke on dis one jerk an' youse tink 

dat youse are it; 
But say, I've got a record dat u'd make youse 

trow a fit ; 
I hits de old Panhandle when I was just fourteen. 
An' I've been riden ever since, an' dat's no round 

house dream. 

I blows de pike at seventeen, an' hits de Tip Up 

route. 
But tings got mighty puney, an' so I steps down 

an' out ; 
Den I clinches de Lake Erie, but de local was so 

tough, 
Dat after two good paydays youse can bet I had 

enough. 

De J. S. E. an' P. D. 8z E. were both one round o' 

hell. 
An' I gets wise to all dem guys on de C. P. S. T. L. 
De Burlington looked good to me, but one cold 

rainy day, 
Dey slaps me on a work train, an' I goes an' draws 

me pay. 

Wy I broke on de Rock Island, when youse was 

but a kid, 
Dere was no bats in me belfry, ner no crevice in 

me lid ; 
But we broke in two near Davenport, an' de com- 

p'ny stops me pay. 
So out I hikes an' gets a job upon de C. & A. 

De Big Four an' de Wabash, Frisco, Katy, San Fe, 
De Maple Leaf, Northwestern, an' de Q. O. & 

K. C, 
De U. P. an' de Mo. P. are all upon me list, 
An' I'm here to apologize to any road I've missed. 

De Grand Island, K. C. Southern, de I. C, I. M. S., 
De Choctaw Oklahoma Gulf, de Orient an' de rest ; 
An' den de Denver Rio Grande, an' all de big lines 

on de sphere, 
An' if youse kin beat dat record Kid, come up an' 

get a beer. 



"THE SPOOKS." 



Jodie Williams, out at No. 5, 

Has never been inclined 
To be the least bit superstitious. 

But you must bear in mind 
That there are some rare occasions 

When a man will glance around 
With a sort of creepy feeling, 

At an unfamiliar sound. 

Jodie took his turn on night watch, 

(This was quite a while ago). 
The men retired early 

And the time passed mighty slow. 
Jodie soon grew tired of reading 

And began to walk the floor. 
Stopping now and then to fill his pipe 

And glance out of the door. 

But he soon grew tired of walking 

And had once more sought his chair. 
When he started, as he thought he heard 

A footstep on the stair. 
He found he was mistaken 

Then he lit another light, 
As with roving eyes he murmured, 

"This is sho' a lonesome night." 

The minutes seemed like hours ; 

Everything was still as death, 
Joe was conscious of a wheezing 

Every time he took a breath. 
Something moved inside the closet, 

Jodie thought he'd surely drop 
As he listened — and his heart beats 

Sounded like a boiler shop. 

He tip-toed to the closet 

And peeped in through a crack, 
As he felt the cold chills chasing 

One another up his back. 
He saw a grain sack moving 

And was sure he heard a sound. 
He turned and cleared the wagon 

And the harness in a bound. 

He rushed into the bedroom 

With a deafening, frightened yell. 
Everybody went to dressing; 

They were sure they heard the bell. 
Fred White screamed out, "What's the mat- 
ter? 

Morgan yelled, "Where is it, Joe?" 
Jodie clung onto Bob Bowman 

As he stammered, "Down below.'' 



Jones could see Joe was excited 

And he grasped him by the arm 
As he asked, "Say, what is wrong, Joe, 

Did you catch that last alarm?" 
Jodie said^ "There is no fire. 

But I'll tell you it's no fun 
To see 'spooks run all around you 

When you haven't got a gun." 

All the men stood there in silence 

As Joe told them what he'd seen; 
How he saw a "spook" with whiskers 

That were six feet long — and green. 
He had seen it in the closet, 

"It is hard, boys, to believe. 
But when I heard it moanin' 

It was time for me to leave." 

Captain Jones said, "Wait a minute, 

I will take a look around. 
I was on watch just last night, Joe, 

And I didn't hear a sound 
That was anything unusual. 

Come on, 'Guinea,' get a stick." 
"Guinea" answered, "Boss, I'd like to, 

But to tell the truth, I'm sick." 

Jones went down to search the closet 

For the cause of all the noise ; 
Jodie shook his head and ventured, 

"He'll be back directly, boys." 
The captain called the bunch down, 

Then they laughingly went back; 
Jodie's "spook" was just a kitten 

Playing with a burlap sack. 



"BILL SMITH'S ANNIVERSARY." 

Bill Smith was talking to Bill Kane 

At Riverview one day; 
He said, "I finished my twenty-first year 

On the West Side last May. 
I wish you'd arrange a party 

Of some kind for the boys. 
I have only this suggestion: 

I must have a lot of noise." 

Bill Kane pulled at his briar 

As he said, "I'll do it Bill; 
There is lots of talent 'mongst the boys; 

I'll arrange for vaudeville." 
A trio from the West Side, 

Kaufman, tenor; Newhart, bass 
And Patterson singing baritone 

Were marked up to fill space. 

--47— 



They gave a grand performance 

Almost without a hitch ; 
CharHe Floreke tried a toe dance 

But he slipped and split a switch. 
Abe Hoshaw sang a ballad, 

"When the bells begin to chime," 
But the schedule was a short one 

And Abe couldn't make the time. 

Bill Trembly walked into the hall 

After looking down the street 
And asked Harry Lynn — the audience — 

To take a forward seat. 
'There's not very many riding, 

"But we'll give the show for you." 
Harry Lynn said, "I'm the janitor, 

Please hurry and get through." 

Wittcraft gave an imitation 

Of "Eliza on the ice" 
With George Miller as the baby, 

Which alone was worth the price. 
John Swanson with a monologue 

Then backed out on the track; 
Crane thought John couldn't make it, 

So he promptly turned him back." 

Dave Luke and Hughie Kelly 

Were "marked up," but they "missed," 
Then "Jap" Runner called Steve Johnson, 

Who was on the extra list. 
Steve started like a work train. 

Geo. Koeffler flagged him down 
Then the audience awoke and said, 

"Bring on Steinbeck and Frank Brown." 

Frank and "Abe" pulled off some daffodills; 

Tommy Tomlinson yelled, "Punk," 
George Green then made the sign board read, 

"Comedians — Shoup and Funk." 
They "threw her over on full head" 

To sing a song in Dutch. 
George Kennedy yelled, "You fellows, 

"Are as funny as a crutch." 

Jerry Simpson tried a "cart wheel," 

But his rear trucks left the track; 
Pat Hurley soon was on the job 

With replacers and a jack. 
Joe Smith, the "L Road Hermann," 

Then took a case of beer 
And, assisted by Joe Swearingen, 

He made it disappear. 

r-48~ 



Al Decker and Joe Fisher 

With a tambourine and bones 
Put on a "minstrel first part," 

Assisted by "Boge" Jones. 
Dean then tried the "Jelly Wobble," 

With his team mate, Charlie Brown, 
And they made the time 'till Carmody, 

Pulled their trolley down. 

While Harrison and Hartzell 

Posed as "Cupids" in pink tights 
Ed Hawkins signaled Poling, 

To cut out all the lights. 
They gave Bill Smith a corn cob pipe 

And Earl Swope said, with a bow, 
"We'll give you a sack of Durham, Bill, 

Twenty years from now." 



"THE LOST OPPORTUNITY." 

"Pierpont" Morgan out at Number 5 

Let his waist band out a notch. 
As he sought a new position 

In a tiresome night on watch. 
The men were upstairs sleeping, 

And "Pierpont" lit his briar, 
But laid it hastily aside 

When he heard some one yell, "Fire." 

Three times the voice yelled "Fire," 

Then everything was still. 
"Pierpont" saw a red reflection 

Around the corner on the hill ; 
He rushed out to the corner. 

Took one look and then rushed back. 
He woke the men and told them 

'Twas the Jack O'Diamonds shack. 

They argued with each other 

As to what was best to do. 
Bob Bowman said, "Pd let it burn 

But Jones, it's up to you." 
Theodore said, "I hardly know, boys. 

Whether to make the run or not. 
Let's play a game of dominoes. 

Then go up and save the lot." 

"Jodie" AVilliams called Joe Simpson, 

(Doing watch at Number 1) 
Joe Simpson said, "Pll turn it in, 

And let 'em all in on the fun." 
Stokie Hill at number 3 house 

Then said he had a scheme, 
"Pour the chemical from your Babcocks 

And fill 'em with gasoline." 

-49— 



Tom Drummy out at Number 6 

Then cut in on the line 
And said, "I have a scheme boys, 

That I think will work out fine." 
Let "Ones" and "Twos" and "Fours" and "Fives' 

Run half way up the street, 
Then every one yell, "Howdy, Jack, 

How do you like the heat?" 

"Buger" Sayers said, "I'll tell you, 

Let everybody go. 
Let's turn out in a body; 

The more the merrier, you know. 
We'll form in line at the Boulevard 

And before the start is made 
Send him word to keep his eye peeled 

For the Labor Day parade." 

"Big August" said, "I'll tell you what 

Would be a lot of sport, 
Send word that all our ladders, 

Are seven feet too short." 
Aaron Smith said, "while you're at it, 

Why not do the thing up right. 
Let's gather 'round the flames and sing 

"A hot time in the old town tonight." 

Everybody had suggestions 

That they thought would work out fine ; 
George Koran, the (wireless expert) 

And the pride of Number 9 
Agreed to flash this message, 

To settle all the row, 
"Get your writing material ; 

You can write a hot one now." 

They argued half an hour 

, Then the chief cut in and said, 

"You have waited too long, now, boys. 

Cut it out and go to bed." 
Blaze Glass cursed the whole department, 

For passing up the bet. 
As he went to bed he murmured, 

"Never mind, we'll get him yet." 



—50— 



"THE *U ROAD TWINS." 



It was pay day on the "L" road 
And the bunch all gathered 'round 
A mighty pile of money 
That lay heaped upon the ground — 
They were betting with a vengeance, 
Everything from coin to pins 
As to which one was the largest 
Of the "L" Road twins. 

Some betting it was Buehler 
While others took the stand 
That the other twin (George Miller) 
Was the largest in the land. 
Elum Funk and C. O. Edwards 
Booked the bets as they were made 
With the temperature of the excited crowd 
Two hundred in the shade. 

The bets had been recorded 

And the mob sent up a wail, 

Where, O where, in all creation 

Will we ever find a scale 

That will weigh these mighty monsters? 

That is what we'd like to know. 

Then Carmody suggested, 

"Take 'em to a hay scale, Bo." 

Hugh Kelly run the Line car out 

To load the money on 

While Bill Trembly covering "Boge" Jones' bet 

Put his fur coat into pawn. 

They started for a hay scale 

With the twins to set the pace 

With a look of utter confidence 

Upon each contestant's face. 

George Miller's friends searched Buehler, 
For they feared he'd try to cheat. 
They emptied out his pockets 
And piled the contents in the street. 
The cry of ''cheater" rent the air 
As they piled junk on the ground. 
Bert Morrison kept official check 
And this is what they found : 

Three switch bars and a Stilson w^rench. 

Two pair of loaded dice, 

A screw driver; a pair of pliers 

And a combination vice, 

Three pocket knives ; a bunch of keys 

Were next upon the list 

Then twenty ribbon fuses 

And a piece of Granger Twist. 

—51— 



One sheet of coarse sand paper, 
A gold watch and a fob, 
One dozen carbon brushes 
Were next shown to the mob. 
Four photographs of women, 
One sweat pad for his hat, 
One bottle of Peruna 
And a box of Anti-Fat. 



They gathered all the scale weights 

And they put them into place 

As Frank walked on the hay scale 

With a smile upon his face. 

The scales trembled for a moment 

As the beam began to rise 

Then it fell a twisted, broken mass 

Before the watchers' eyes. 

Then they tried the county coal scale 

But it wouldn't stand the strain 

5o they got the twins together 

A.nd started out again. 

Over at the Griffin wheel works 

Miller thought he'd have a try 

And as he stepped upon the scales 

The bunch all heaved a sigh. 

The scales wavered for a moment 

Then there cam.e a mighty crash 

And what was once a first class scale 

Was now a lot of trash. 

They called the bets off and dispersed, 

And it's dollars. Bo, to pins 

They'll never know the true weight 

Of the "L" Road twins. 



LORENZO'S BACK AGAIN. 



In honor of the return of Lorenzo D. Hutchin- 
son, the popular drug dispenser at Tom Lilley's. 

Armourdale is all excitement, 

Folks are running to and fro 
With joyous shouts of laughter, 

And their faces all aglow; 
With a look of rare contentment 

They are singing this refrain: 
"Let Joy Unbounded Reign Supreme," 

For "Hutch" is back again. 

-52- 



The town is draped in bunting, 

Flags float upon the breeze, 
Dogs bark with joyous pleasure 

And the birds up in the trees, 
Warble carols of rare sweetness; 

People hasten to explain 
That every day's a holiday 

Since "Hutch" is back again. 

Crowds throng the streets at Lilley's, 
To get a glimpse of ''Hutch" — 

Americans, Italians, 

Irish, Greek and Dutch, 

Nationality is forgotten; 

They howl like they're insane 

As they shout in countless numbers ; 
"Lorenzo's back again." 

Old folks sit on their porches, 

And keep time with their feet, 
While young folks dance the Tango 

In the gaily lighted street; 
The young men whisper love tales 

To the sweetheart at his side. 
As they sway to stirring music 

Of the new "Lorenzo Glide." 



The famous strains of Wagner 

To these folks are very mild, 
But whistle the Arkansaw Traveler 

And you set the whole town wild; 
They have a drove of "razor-backs" 

In a shale rock briar pen. 
In Shawnee Park — and all because, 

Lorenzo's back again. 



"Tom" Lilley has the hand cramp 

From shaking people's hands; 
You cannot hear the car bells 

For the music of the bands. 
There's a sign in Lilley's window, 

"A cure for all your ills. 
Two bits a box, friends — while they last, 

For the new Lorenzo Pills." 



They are naming all boy babies 

For the idol of the town ; 
If you ask, "Who is this fellow?" 

They will freeze you with a frown. 
Everything is free in Armourdale, 

From real estate to law. 
To anybody hailing 

From the state of Arkansaw. 

—53— 



Politics have been forgotten, 

And a man to be in style 
Must adopt the Southern dialect 

And the great ''Lorenzo" smile. 
People spending their vacations 

Hurry back by special train, 
It's a rousing, great home-coming week- 

For "Hutch" is back again. 



THE CRAP SHOOTING KID. 

George Fuller up at "One" house, 

Had the whole bunch on his hip 
As he told them of a crap game 

He had on a hunting trip. 
It happened just a year ago, 

And Fuller's telling yet 
How he started on a nickle 

And cleaned up every bet. 

"We were in a Stevens cottage 

Up at Bean Lake, and the bunch, 
Were in for anything at all 

From murder down to lunch 
No ducks at all were flying 

And things were mighty tame, 
'Til some one pulled a pair of dice 

And I proposed a game." 

"Dago Toney had a quarter, 

But he couldn't make a pass, 
And I soon convinced the 'Dago' 

That he wasn't in my class. 
We started at 10:30, 

It was Sunday night, I think, 
And at 2 p. m. on Wednesday 

I put the crap game on the blink." 

"The bunch were hollow-eyed and tired, 

Not a man had seen a bed 
And I handled dice until my hands 

Calloused, cracked and bled, 
I gathered up the silver. 

And put it in a sack, 
Then baled up all the greenbacks 

And stacked 'em in the shack." 

"The bunch at last all scattered out, 

(After they had lost their dough) 
Then I kicked off my hunting boots 

As I murmured soft and low, 
'Well — I guess I'll hit the hay pile 

This has been my busy day, 
I'll take a nap — rest up a bit; 

And then be on my way." 

—54— 



*'I sure was tired and sleepy 

And when I went to bed 
'1 said to Stevens, 'Call me Bo, 

Next week, if I ain't dead/ 
I slept for three whole days and nights, 

Then woke up feeling fine, 
I washed and dressed, packed my grips 

And started down the line." 

"On the train to Kansas City 

The conductor asked, 'What luck?' 
Well, I answered, T had plenty,' 

Though I didn't kill a duck. 
Then I told him of the crap game, 

And he looked a little queer 
As I said, 'Here's sixty dollars 

Take them as a souvenir." 

'T checked my coin as baggage 

And paid ten bucks excess. 
I warned the crew, don't drop it, 

Or there'll be an awful mess. 
There were four sacks and two bales of it. 

They no sooner had it stored 
Than the false news spread throughout the train, 

Pierpont Morgan is on board." 

"John D. was at the depot 

And he hurried up to me 
As he said, "Why, hello. Fuller! 

You've been gambling, I see." 
I yawned and stretched, then answered, 

T have gambled some that's true. 
It's a long time since we met, John, 

What can I do for you?" 

"He says, 'Well, George, I'll tell you, 

I must get out to the coast, 
Let me have a about ten thousand, 

I'll return it, parcel post," 
Chime Baker said, "Say, Fuller, 

Cut out that awful stall; 
If you're so flush — just pay me 

That two bits you got last fall." 



THE BOOK MAKERS. 



With his forehead wreathed in wrinkles 

And his fingers in his hair. 
Chief McNarrey sat and pondered. 

Then he sat back in his chair. 
He called to "Bert" Dill— saying, 

"Read this report to me 
Then send for Leo Weedy 

And 'Scrap Iron,' Josie Fee.'* 

—55— 



''Bert" Dill softly answered, "Yes, Sir." 

Then softly closed the door — 
As with bowed head "J^^^k" McNarrey 

Slowly paced his office floor. 
When "Bert" had finished reading 

"J^ck' said, in an undertone, 
"That is all — let no one in 

For I want to be alone." 

Several men called at headquarters 

But they failed to see the chief 
And "Bert" Dill's only answer 

To their queries, was, "More grief — " 
He is not receiving callers ; 

That is all I care to say, 
If you have some urgent business 

Call in — later in the day." 

Leo Weedy (traveling watch boy) 

Hurried in all out of breath, 
When "Bert" recognized his caller 

His face grew white as death, 
"My God! What are YOU doing here? 

YOUR safety lies in flight; 
If McNarrey gets his hands on you 

Or 'Scrap Iron' Fee — 'Good Night.' " 

That's just what I am here for", 

Weedy answered with a frown," 
"I learned of that report, 'Bert,' 

And I thought I'd drop around 
To explain the matter to the chief 

I know he'll understand 
'Scrap Iron' Fee and I are ready, 

Any time — to show our hand." 

"Bert" Dill answered, "All right, Weedy, 

It's YOUR funeral — not mine; 
But you'd better come in later 

For the chief is out o' line. 
Now, I'll tell you what I'd do, Lee," 

But "Bert" Dill said no more — 
Both looked up to see McNarrey 

Standing in the office door. 

McNarrey's face was ashen, 

His look was wild — insane, 
"Bert" hastily began writing 

Weedy reached out for his cane. 
"Hold on, there !" McNarrey shouted, 

"You're the guy I want to see. 
Send Joe Simpson down to 'six'es' 

To bring in 'Scrap Iron' Fee." 

—56- 



When Fee arrived "J^<-^^ ' shouted, 

*'Say, you think that you're a sport; 
You're a pretty pair of pikers — 

Here, look at this report." 
We no sooner get a ball team 

Than I hear you jack-leg crooks 
Are putting in your spare time 

At the ball grounds — making books." 

"You were betting even money 

That Lee Morgan couldn't run; 
You bet odds against the firemen 

And you were making fun 
Of our fence buster, 'Bob' Maher. 

Here is one big bet you made — 
'Bob' couldn't hit the court house 

In five trials, with a spade." 

They himg their heads in silence 

Then Weedy said, 'Say, Chief, 
W^e both regret that we have caused 

This department so much grief. 
We're not sure enough book makers — 

If you'll let this matter drop 
We'll bet 'Bob' CAN hit the court house 

In TWO trials — with a mop." 

McNarrey growled — "Say, listen, 

I'll give you guys one chance 
And I want this plainly understood 

I'M the fiddler for THIS dance." 
They left the room on tip toe — 

"Jack" reached to get his hat 
As he said, "That bet on Maher 

Was a blamed big risk — at that." 



THE MILLER.KOEFLER BOUT. 



George Miller and George Koefler 

For a year were bitter foes 
With each one yearning for a chance 

To punch the other's nose. 
Bill Kane, West Side promoter, 

Took Koefler to one side 
And said, "This Miller is a wop," 

"CHmb on him, George, and ride." 

Then promoter Kane found Miller 
And he said, "George you're a rube,' 

"To stand for Koefler's bullying," 
"Why that guy is a boob." 

Bill then went back to Koefler 
And he said, "George, on the dead," 

"You can trim this Miller four flush," 

"Without feeding to full head." 

-57— 



A bout was finally arranged 

To settle the whole thing, 
Ed Poling was selected 

As the. third man in the ring; 
The bout to be at catch weights 

And to be a finish fight 
To take place at the Pest House 

At twelve o'clock at night. 

George Koefler started training 

By walking home to lunch, 
While George Miller ate young onions 

To develop a strong punch ; 
Pat Hurley was announcer, 

And his silvery voice rang out 
As he introduced celebrities — 

Before the feature bout. 



Pat introduced Joe Fisher, 

And his conductor, Frank, 
Then introduced Steve Johnson 

As the living human tank. 
Pat then read out a challenge 

And the crowd sent up a shout 
When they learned that Charlie Floreke 

Challenged the winner of the bout. 

Abe Steinbeck was time keeper 

And as he took his stand 
George Koefler called to "Little Dave, 

To bring a scoop of sand; 
George Miller's second — Runner — 

Helped Miller to his chair 
While Hugh Kelly — Koefler's second — 

Took the rats from Koeflers' hair. 



George Miller's knees were shaky 

As Abe Steinbeck rang the bell 
And Koefler turned a tear stained face 

As he weakly said, "Farewell." 
Miller waddled to the center 

While George Koefler turned to Hugh 
And said, "Fm on a circut breaker," 

"My God! What shall -I do?" 



They parried for a moment. 

Then they came on with a rush 
While o'er the watching multitude 

There fell an awful hush; 
George Miller stubbed his toe and fell, 

George Koefler circled 'round, 
While the voice of Poling, counting, 

Was to both — a welcome sound. 

—58— 



Ed Poling counted Miller out 

"Jap" Runner claimed a foul; 
The referee yelled — "Koefler wins !" 

The mob sent up a howl; 
Pat Hurley silenced them and said, 

'T now disolve all bets," 
"These Dutchmen are not fighters," 

"They're a pair of suffragettes." 



BOB BOWMAN'S "DIAMOND" PIN, 



Bob Bowman out at 5 house, 

Was sitting all alone 
With an old time minstrel song book, 

Humming in an undertone, 
He ceased the "concert" suddenly. 

The song book hit the floor, 
As a stranger Bob had never seen 

Came in and closed the door. 

He spoke to Bob and looked around, 

As he settled in a chair. 
Then whispered cautiously to Bob, 

"Say, Pardner, on the square, 
I've got a dandy bargain 

That I picked up, just last night; 
It's the real thing, sure enough kid, 

And I'll sell it to you right." 

"Of course YOU know a diamond 

When you see one — I know that. 
And, about this conversation, 

Keep that underneath your hat. 
You see, I need the money 

And as you like the 'spark' 
We're both ahead — the loser's out, 

But keep that in the dark." 

Bob scratched his head and thought awhile, 

Then coughed to hide a laugh. 
As the stranger said, "I'll sell it 

For a dollar and a half 
But you must keep the secret 

Until this thing dies down. 
For if the owner sees it. 

Well — they'll run us out of town." 

Bob studied for a long time, 

Then the stranger said, 'Talk fast, 
But if you miss this bargain, 

You'll regret it to the last." 
Bob dug deep in his pocket. 

As he answered, "Bud, you're on 
And while I don't go out much 

ril have something I can pawn." 

—59— 



Bob tried to keep the secret 

But just had to wear that pin, 
And when he came into the house 

The bunch all wore a grin ; 
Bob asked them what the joke was 

And "Jodie' said, "Say Bob, 
We'd like to know how you afford 

To wear 'Diamonds' on this job." 

All that morning Bob was silent 

But at last he told the bunch 
He would have the diamond tested 

On his way that day, to lunch, 
He asked Jones where to take it 

And Jones said, "Let me see, 
I'll tell you where to take it ; 

Take it up to C. I. Lee." 

On his way to lunch Bob stopped at Lee's 

And asked, "What is this worth? 
The jeweler turned his back on Bob 

Awhile, to hide his mirth. 
"Well," he said, "I'll tell you. 

Though I'm really losing time. 
The Ten Cent stores all have them 

And sell them for a dime." 

Bob found his way out to the street, 

But his pace was mighty slow; 
His knees were weak and awkward, 

It had been a bitter blow. 
He did not go to dinner 

He had lost his appetite. 
His chin was set, his fists were clenched, 

His only thought was — fight. 

Bob still hopes to meet that fellow; 

He is yearning for his life 
And he puts in leisure moments 

Whetting up his "Barlow" knife. 
If you want to make Bob peevish, 

If you want to hear a wail. 
Just call Bob up and ask him. 

If his "diamond" is for sale? 



"TIM MORRISEY'S JUBILEE." 



Tim Morrisey down at number 3 

Sat and scratched his head, 
As he said to "Tubby" Williams, 

"Gee, a man's a long time dead. 
I've been sitting here and thinking 

Of how nice it all would be 
To arrange a sort of 'blow-out'-— 

An old time jubilee." 



Vernon Leslie strolled up to them 
And **Tubby" said to Tim, 
"Tell 'Noisy' all about it 

I'll call *Foxy Grandpa' Finn." 
Tom Finn said "That's a pippin; 

Put your idea through, old scout. 
You will find the bunch all with you, 

If you need some help, just shout." 

Tim sent out invitations, 

And they met at Daniels' Hall. 
George Fuller did "watch duty" 

With the aid of "Jimmie" Ball. 
Bob Maher lit the torches 

As he said, "I'l bet an arm 
This run will show more speeding 

Than a packing house alarm." 

Bob Patterson, from Number 1, 

Was a sure cure for the "blues." 
He looked like ready money 

In a pair of white buck shoes. 
Chris Jacobson was "nozzle man" 

Assisted by McLean 
And when "Handsome" wants to "mix 'em' 

He's the best I've ever seen. 

They mixed one fancy drink they called 

The "Morrisey" Hose Reel Punch ; 
And they had to mix it oftener 

Than "Stokie" Hill is late from lunch, 
One thimble full of chemical, 

A dash of axle grease, 
One little chunk of laundry soap — 

And they were allowed just one apiece. 

Joe Simpson reeled up to the bar 

And let out an awful wail. 
As he pleaded with the 'nozzle men" 

For an "auto-truck cocktail." 
Chris asked Joe how to mix it, 

And Joe crawled beneath a bench 
Shouting, "Take one pint of gasoline 
And add one monkey-wrench." 

"Chime" Baker rapped for order, 

And the crowd let out a yell 
When "Mickey" Gorman shouted, 

"A song by Tickie' Bell." 
"Pickie" ran up seven ladders 

To reach the high "C" note, 
Aaron Smith said, "Gee, that's awful; 

Won't someone cut his throat?" 

-61— 



Art Dudley sang a touching song, 

''The Bloom on Drummy's Nose." 
"Red" Galavin played the bag pipes 

And "Feet" Quinlan played the hose. 
"Pierpont" Morgan told some stories, 

Fred White yelled "Back to the farm ; 
ril stand for almost anything, 

But that guy's a false alarm." 

"Jodie" Williams called Bob Bowman 

Who had coupled to a jug; 
"We're going to make a run, Bob, 

And want you to catch the plug." 
Bob made a poor connection 

And was blown across the hall, 
Captain Jones said, "He's all right boys, 

He sprained an ankle — that is all." 

Guinea yelled, "I shoot a quarter," 

But the crap game came to grief 
When "Dennie" Sheehan shouted, 

"Jiggers men — here comes the Chief." 
The Chief looked longingly within, 

Then gave his head a toss. 
Saying, "Gee, Fd like to join them ; 

Ain't it h~l to be the boss?" 



WHATS THE USE? 



(The explosion of a coal oil lamp set fire to 
the residence of Julius A. Cane, Twenty-first and 
Shawnee road, Sunday night. The family, except 
Mrs. Cane's mother aged 80 years, was not at home 
and the old lady was rescued by neighbors. The 
home was destroyed, but the firemen, attempting 
to extinguish the fire, under the direction of Walter 
Merry, used more than a hundred gallons of milk, 
waiting in cans to be delivered from the dairy of 
J. H. McMahon. 

Walter Merry of number 7 house 

Sent in an order for supplies; 
Chief McNarrey read it over 

Then sat back and rubbed his eyes. 
He read the order through again 

Then reached to get his hat. 
As he muttered softly to himself, 

"Well, what do you think of that?" 

He went up to Lindy's office 

And said, "Lindy, look at this — 
Fm a judge of human nature. 

And I rarely ever miss 
To sum a man up properly. 

But they 'got by' me today; 
Just read this over carefully. 

It reads like school boy's play." 

—62— 



Lindy read it over slowly, 

Rubbed his eyes and scratched his head, 
Jack said, ''Read that list aloud to me," 

And this is what he read : 
"One load of hay, ten bales of straw, 

Six four-inch nickeled snaps, 
Two twenty-gallon milk cans, 

Four two by forty straps."' 

Jack said, "The last two items 

Are the ones that puzzle me 
What they want to do with milk cans 

Is something I can't see. 
That beats all the crazy orders, 

I've seen in many a day; 
I think I'll call up 7's 

And see what Merry has to say." 

Merry said, "Well, Chief, I'll tell you. 
These hills are high, you know ; 

We haven't got a steamer. 

And the water pressure's low. 

Babcocks are insufficient. 
So I tried a substitute, 

For water — we are using milk, 

And say. Chief, it's a beaut." 

"We fight the fires over here, Chief, 

Without any fancy frills. 
Why, say, we wear pole climbers 

To make it up the hills. 
We are regular 'hill billies', 

Our system's fine as silk 
And when we can't get water 

We fight a fire with milk." 

"I tried that stunt last Sunday night 

And it worked just like a charm, 
But that night we were lucky 

The fire was on a farm. 
Now, if we have to haul the milk 

And have very far to go 
It will be hard upon the horses 

And our progress will be slow." 

"That's why I ordered milk cans. 

And the straps to strap them on. 
We can strap them on the wagon. 

And ramble right along. 
There's another little item 

We use as 'first relief,' 
We apply the milk with burlap bags — 

So send some bags, too, Chief." 



*'Well," Jack said, "Don't you consider 

This thing expensive, Walt? 
I hate to disappoint you 

And I don't like to find fault 
But my allowance, Walt, will not permit 

The purchase you suggest. 
Just stick to water, Walter, 

Plug along and do your best." 

Merry hung up the receiver 

And slowly turned away, 
Joe Lukens called to Merry, 

''What did McNarrey say?" 
"What did he say ! Don't ask me, Joe, 

It was just high toned abuse; 
I have lots of good ideas, Joe, 

But, O, h 1, what's the use?" 



THE "L" ROAD HIKING CLUB. 



"Boge" Jones was feeling restless 

As he pushed aside his stool; 
He was listening to two passengers 

Talking in his vestibule. 
They were members of a Hiking Club 

And the theme of all their talk 
Was the benefits a man derived 

In a weekly ten mile walk. 

They spoke of dread diseases — 

Consumption — and the like, 
That had been eradicated 

When the victim learned to hike. 
They passed by Kansas avenue 

And, said the passenger on the right, 
"That man running 's 'Wild Cat' Ferns ; 

He's training for a fight." 

"Boge" watched the runner disappear, 

Still the passengers talked on ; 
They spoke of all the pleasures 

To arise at early dawn. 
And strike out for the country roads, 

On their weekly ten mile jaunt, 
Gaining pleasure, health and appetite, 

What more should human want? 

When the passengers had left the car ? 

At Benton Boulevard 
Still advocating long walks, 
"Boge" Jones was thinking hard, 
He did not use his stool again 

The balance of that day. 
And by the time he signed off 

His plan was under way. 



He talked to every man he met, 

And soon had a bunch enthused. 
When it came to signing for the club 

Not an ''L" road man refused. 
They elected ''Boge" Jones president 

By an overwhelming vote. 
"Boge" yelled, ''Bring on your diseases, 

We want to get their goat." 

Frank Buehler bought some high tan shoes 

And started in to train, 
By walking from the "L" road barn 

To Troup, and back again. 
Al Decker bought a sweater 

And told members of the club, 
He would prove that "Old Man" Weston, 

As a walker, was a dub. 



"Elum" Funk said, "Fm no slouch, Al, 

For I used to trail a plow 
In the hot sun, kid, all summer, 

I could start that long hike now." 
They decided to start Sunday 

On a hike to Riverview. 
"Boge" Jones said, "It's not far, boys, 

But for a starter, it will do." 

Abe Hoshaw was disgusted 

xAs he said, "Say, listen, Guy; 
I could walk to Oklahoma 

Without making half a try." 
They met down at the Junction 

At 3 :30 a. m., sharp. 
Joe Swearingen lead the hikers 

Playing rag time on a harp. 

They halted up at State street 

And there was quite a stir 
When Pat Hurley broke the line of march. 

And pushed Buehler on a spur. 
George Koefler lost a trolley pole, 

Eddie Edwards blew a fuse, 
Decker sank down on a curb stone 

And removed his hiking shoes. 

"Elum" Funk took off his fender. 

And he staggered to a hall 
Where he sat down on a stair step. 

"Boge" Jones sent a hurried call 
For the wrecker and physicians, 

Abe Hoshaw said, "I quit." 
The wrecker gathered up the *'club" 

And put them o'er the pit. 

—65— 



The members had recovered 

In from five to fifteen days. 
"Boge" said, *'It may be healthy 

But I'll get mine other ways. 
Any man who preaches walking 

Should be chained up to a tree; 
It is all right for a mail man 

But it'll never do for me." 



"SLEUTH" McCULLOUGH. 



Sherlock Holmes — the great idetective 

Introduced by Conan Doyle 
Never failed to solve a mystery 

And was often known to foil 
Criminals who had gone unpunished 

Men of international fame 
Were but toys for his deductions 

When he once got in the game. 

Scotland Yards has been world famous 

For its force of well trained men, 
Who will make it but a short while 

From your first crime, to the 'Ten." 
William Burns, who gained distinction 

In the dynamiting case, 
Wove a net work of convictions 

That the culprits can't erase. 

But old Sherlock is a "dead one," 

Scotland Yard is out of date, 
William Burns is just a novice, 

"Gum Shoe" Mansell's just a skate, 
And we have a new born hero. 

Who, when all is said and done, 
Is the smoothest sleuth in harness, 

"Sleuth" McCullough of No. 1. 

Walter Bemoll called "Chime" Baker 

On the phone one day last week. 
"Chime" had reached for the receiver 

But had not had time to speak. 
"Sleuth said, "Chime, thaf s Walter Bemoll." 

It scared Baker half to death 
As "Sleuth" said, "I know it's Bemoll 

I can tell that garlic breath." 

With his hands rammed in his pockets 

And his feet against the wall. 
He can tell you just exactly 

Where you were this time last fall. 
Simpson handed "Sleuth" a tooth pick 

And "Sleuth" hastened to explain 
It was made of "tension fiber" 

From the woods of Northern Maine. 



"Sleuth was telling a reporter 

Of a few things he had done, 
How he worked in competition 

With some "Gum shoe" cracks — and won. 
"I remember well one evening 

AA'hen Burns sent a man to me 
For assistance in a matter 

That they can't unravel — See?" 

"When this fellow had explained things 

And had told me all he knew 
I said, call me in an hour 

I will then give you a clew, 
After thanking me he left me; 

I went back to get a drink, 
Then came up and filled my "briar" 

And sat down a while to think." 

"Just thirty minutes later 

This plain clothes man drops in 
And he has a fellow with him. 

Both were serious as sin. 
He saw me size up his companion 

And he said, that's just my pal, 
Well — I said — the man you're after 

Is on the Panama Canal." 

He is working as a hoist man 

And his right name's Andrew Blix; 
His check number's three two seven 

And he works from six to six." 
W^ell, this "Gum Shoe" looks astonished 

As he says — send in your bill. 
I says — "That's all right — no charges; 

Call again Pal — if you will." 

"I've disguised myself as ashes 

And then laid around a box 
Where I caught the well known criminal 

Famous as "Chicago Fox." 
What — You're going? AVhat's your hurry? 

Well, I guess you know what's right. 
Say — I'm mighty glad I met you ; 

Call again some time — Good Night." 

(Latest news — just received over private wire.) 

Since this article was written 
I've been told the crushing truth 

That just once in Hughie's history 
They slipped something past the Sleuth. 

To the lad who "slipped it over" 
I respectfully raise my hat. 

Dan O'Donnell just got married 
And they "got by" "Sleuth" on THAT. 

-67— 



EDUCATED COE. 



Husky "Jodie" Williams 

(Captain out at 5's) 
Squirmed and twisted in his chair 

Like a man who had the hives. 
He scratched his head and mumbled, 

"Of all the men I've seen 
This fellow Coe's the queerest, 

Now what did "Sammy" mean?" 

"He talked to me an hour 

And the language that he used 
Leaves we thinking rather seriously 

That I have been abused. 
Why he'd make 'Billy' Bryan 

Look like a corn fed 'wop' 
And when he gets to going 

There is no such thing as stop." 

"Jodie" figured and he reasoned 

Then he paced the floor a while, 
Suddenly he ceased his walking 

And his face broke in a smile. 
"I believe I'll phone McNarrey 

For McNarrey ought to know 
And he's just the man to handle 

Educated Coe." 

"Jodie" phoned to Chief McNarrey 

In a muffled undertone 
The "Big Chief" said "I'll tend to him, 

Just call him to the phone," 
"Sammy" got right down to business 

And said, "Say, Mister Chief, 
I am slightly inconvenienced 

And I'm seeking some relief." 

"I'd consider it a favor 

If you'd notify the boys 
To dispense with all loud talking 

And unnecessary noise 
I am just a trifle sensitive 

And, Chief, to tell the truth, 
The language these men use at times 

Is uncalled for and uncouth." 

"There's no stipulated conduct 

Stated in the book of rules 
And at times their flow of language 

Makes me wish there were more schools. 
Then there's another matter. 

Of importance to digest. 
If you'll handle this one promptly, 

It will set my mind at rest." 



"When I took the obHgation, 

It was generally understood 
I would have a hardwood housing 

For my busy "Underwood." 
This has never been attended to 

(Probably an oversight) 
But, Chief, this seeming negligence 

Does not appear just right. 

"Conditions here are better 

Than they were two months ago; 
I'm responsible for this, Chief, 

But it's tedious work — and slow. 
These men lack education 

(Especially on my shift), 
I assure you, Chief, intelligence 

With me, was nature's gift." 

Chief McNarrey was dumfounded — 

He shouted, "Hold on there; 
I don't know what you mean, sir, 

And furthermore — don't care. 
If you think the fire department 

Hired you to teach a school 
Or to operate an 'Underwood' 

You are certainly a fool." 

"You were hired to fight fire 

Not to educate the men; 
And, believe me, it's the hardware 

If you bother me again." 
Bert Dill asked, "Chief, who was that?' 

Jack was pacing to and fro — 
He looked at Bert and answered, 

"Educated Coe." 



THE TWELVE-HOUR CLEARANCE SALE. 



Chief McNarrey sat in silence 

With his eyes upon the floor 
Until his reverie was broken 

By a knock upon the door. 
Burt Dill entered and he whispered, 

With a knowing little grin, 
"There's some ladies here to see you," 

And the chief said, "Show them in." 

The leader of the party 

Smiled at "Jack" and then sat down, 
Saying, "We are representing 

Single ladies of the town; 
Your men had reason to stay single 

Before the twelve-hour law went through, 
Now, we see no reason for it. 

And the question's up to you." 

-69- 



Jack thought a moment, then he said : 

"V\\ see the single men 
And I hope to solve the question 

Before you call again." 
''Jack" put it up to Baker, 

''Chime" said, "Not on your life, 
But if Abrahams and Simpson 

Both agree, I'll get a wife." 

They held a meeting up at "ones," 

"Buger" Sayers made it clear 
He was for a public auction 

With "Hutch" as auctioneer. 
They phoned and asked "Buzz" Lilley 

If he'd let Lorenzo go 
For one night — and "Buzz" answered, 

"Surest thing you know." 

The first man put upon the block 

Was June Marshall from No. 2; 
He was sold for fifteen dollars. 

And the bunch was feeling blue. 
Lorenzo screamed, "Have mercy, 

This is not a remnant sale. 
These men are worth big money, 

They're meal tickets that won't fail !" 

Joe Lukens sold for twenty, 

"Ugly" Clark next went for five, 
George Koran, the pride of nine house, 

And the brainiest man alive, 
Was sold for seven fifty, 

A bargain sure enough; 
Then "Hutch" yelled, "Here's Art Dudley, 

A diamond in the rough." 

They bid Art up to seventeen, 

"Spike" Carpenter went at nine, 
"Buger" Sayers went for sixteen 

And they paid ten bucks for "Chime." 
"Crip" Abrahams and Joe Simpson 

Brought eleven dollars each. 
They were bidding in all voices 

From a whisper to a screech. 

"Sausage" Cooper was a bargain, 

Bringing just four ninety-eight; 
"Gibby" Gibson sold for thirty bucKs, 

With a guarantee up to date. 
"One Round Ducky" sold for seven 

As "Hutch" yelled, "Now, girls, be game! 
Here's a 1914 model 

On a 1915 frame." 

—70- 



Roy Broadhurst brought eight sixty 

Lee Hobin and "Tode" Hill 
Were knocked down to two ladies 

For a twenty-dollar bill. 
Harry Watson came up smiling, 

''Hutch" said, "Look him over good." 
He was traded for a fiddle 

And a half a cord of wood. 

"Hutch" then brought up Jim McCauley, 

And the mob let out a bawl 
As Lorenzo introduced him 

As "the daddy of them all." 
"Here's a man of vast experience, 

He is city broke and sound; 
There is not a finer specimen 

Of manhood on the ground." 

"This man's nickname, girls, is 'Father.' 

Now, ladies, here's your chance." 
One lady said, "I'll buy him 

If you'll give me trading stamps." 
"Nothing like that here, dear sister, 

This man here's the real thing, kid, 
Who will start this man at forty?" 

But nobody made a bid. 

One girl said, "I'll bid a quarter," 

And Lorenzo wore a frown 
As he said, "Bring me a halter 

And I'll trot this man around." 
When she saw his gait, she fainted ; 

They revived her with a fan. 
As she looked around, "Hutch" whispered, 

"Kid, you've bought yourself a man." 



THAT INDIANA CAR. 

"Yon" Swanson of the L road 

Wore a mighty threatening frown 
As he watched the track before him. 

Coming through the heart of town. 
His lips were set, his eyes ablaze — 

He was mad enough to fight. 
He talked and argued with himself, 

"Aye don' care — it ain't right." 

The Indiana car ahead 

Ran like a baggage truck. 
"Yon" said (looking at his time-piece), 

"By yimminy. Aye bane stuck. 
Dat feller on dae car ahead 

Always makes me late — vest-bound; 
Aye can't yump over his car. 

And Aye cannot run around." 

—71— 



"Aye vent to bed dae udder night, 

And Aye had an awful dream. 
Aye tank Aye got a nightmare, 

For Aye sit right up — and scream; 
Aye dream Aye go to heaven, 

Aye bane fifteen minutes late; 
Aye dream dae bane a great big crowd 

In line — outside dae gate." 

"Saint Peter — hae bane busy 

And Aye stand around a while, 
Then a feller close behind me 

Hae say to me — and smile, 
'Aye vonder what's dae trouble. 

Has Saint Peter gone to bed?' 
Aye say, *No, Saint Peter's busy ; 

Dae Indiana is ahead.' 



"Aye stand awhile on one foot. 

Then Aye get too tired, and shange ; 
Then another feller in dae line 

Says, 'Aye tell you, dis is strange/ 
Aye tell him, *Yes, Aye tank so ; 

Maybe someone yump dae track.' 
Then dae feller wave his hand and say, 

'So long, I'm goin' back.' 

"Pretty soon a feller holler, 

'Say, what time are you due here?' 
And Aye say, 'Ask dae conductor, 

Hae bane standin' in dae rear.' 
Dae conductor hae bane ring dae bell. 

And Aye tell him, 'Line bane dead. 
That Indiana feller 

Bane asleep, vay up ahead.' 

"Aye could hear dae angels singing. 

Aye could hear dae heavenly band. 
And Aye could see a track man comin' 

With a bucket full of sand. 
Then Aye holler, 'What's dae matter. 

Is somebody in dae ditch?' 
And hae holler back, 'No, Swanson, 

Indiana split a switch.' 

"Then Aye sit down on dae car step 

And Aye watch folks walkin' by. 
One man came from Kansas City, 

And hae kind o' wink his eye 
As hae say, 'Why, hello, Swanson, 

Why are you a sittin' down?' 
Aye get mad and turn dae trolley 

And Aye started back to town." 

—72- 



"Dae conductor hae come runnin' 

And hae say, 'Yon, what is wrong?' 
And Aye say, 'Yust watch dae trolley, 

We bane on dae road too long/ 
Then Aye hear dae big alarm clock 

And Aye yump up out of bed — 
By yimminy, Aye bane dreamin' 

Of that slow poke car ahead." 



THE RECORD RUN. 

"Youse talk about tough sleddin' 

(Said Pat Gorman with a sneer), 
VV'y, say, Cull — youse ain't in it, 

Fade away — shove in de clear. 
W'y, I've done more railroadin' 

Dan any bloke upon dis pike 
An' talk about fast couplin's, 

Youse never seen de like. 

"Youse talk about fast runnin', 

W'y youse is out o' date, 
Fer youse come off a narrer gauge 

Where a drag can't come in late. 
Youse couldn't beat a toitle, Bo — 

Now dat is on de square. 
An' de taller never woiked enough 

Ter even turn a hair." 

"W'y, I was breakin' on ahead 

Fer 'Bad Eye' Lynch — and say, 
Dere was de guy — ter run a train, 

De best con in his day. 
I remembers one cold mornin'. 

It was forty-two below. 
We was puUin' stock, an' runnin' 

Kind o' easy like, an' slow." 

"When we stops fer furder orders 

I climbs down beside de track 
When here comes 'Bad Eye' jumpin', 

Youse 'ud think he'd break his back. 
He has his orders in his hand 

Youse could see him tru de fog, 
He passed me like a cannon ball, 

He was pantin' like a dog." 

"He runs down to de battleship 

An' says to Johnnie Hayes, 
'We got ter get to Peoria 

In time for market raise.' 
De price o' cattle had gone up 

An' de bloke what owned de steers 
Says, 'Get me there in time ter cash 

An' youse can swim in beer.' 



"Den 'Bad Eye' gives de high ball 

An' I crawls on de 'jine 
Ter help me buddie keep 'er hot 

While we was makin' time. 
At seventy miles an hour, Bo, 

Old scrap head 'tirty'"flew. 
When lookin' out ahead I sees 

De hind end o' No. 2." 

"Johnnie Hayes yells to us fellers, 

Hold on tight, youse guys, 
Fer dere's a passenger ahead. 
An' I'm a goin' by!' 
He trun his lever to one side ; 

Old 'tirty' jumps de track 
An' cuts across de frozen ground 

Wid out takin' up her slack." 

"We cuts in ahead o' No. 2, 

An' climbs upon de rails, 
Makes dem second handed coffins 

Look like a string o' snails. 
When we hits East Peoria 

An' whistles fer de bridge, 
I could see de hind end comin' 

Swingin' along beside de ridge." 

"When he whistles fer Bridge Junction 

I was out upon de top 
Settin' brakes — makin' flat wheels. Bo, 

Ter help Jack make de stop. 
We'd been in town an hour. Pal, 

When I looks down de main 
And saw a comin' down de track 

De shadder of our train." 



THE GLOBE TROTTER. 

Frank Buehler of the "L" road 

Saved a little of each pay. 
For his constant work was tiresome 

And he planned to go away. 
He gathered tons of railroad maps 

And studied them at night, 
For when Frank wants to do a thing 

He tries to do it right. 

He read of all the fishing grounds 

From Maine to Arkansaw, 
Then finally decided 

To go to Omaha. 
He packed fourteen suit cases 

And one piano box 
That held two suits of underwear 

And four pair of army socks. 

-74- 



He started for the depot 

With his baggage on a dray ; 
George Miller and George Koeffler 

Went to see Frank on his way. 
The depot master met Frank 

And after sizing up his load 
He said, *'You can't come this way 

Without laying out the road." 

He ordered two more baggage cars, 

And Frank began to swear 
When he said, "They're on the side track, 

Go load your baggage there." 
They used an extra engine 

And Fred Harvey ordered out 
Five extra carcasses of beef 

To feed Frank while en route. 

The agent here then wired 

The one at Omaha, 
''Clear yards at once for largest load 

That ever crossed the Kaw." 
The conductor screamed out, "All aboard !'' 

The fireman rang the bell ; 
Frank waddled to the platform 

To wave a fond farewell. 

George Koeffler turned to Miller 

And sobbed out, "Well — he's gone." 
George Miller blubbered, "Let's get drunk," 

And Koeffler said, "You're on ; 
But before we both get pickled 

Let's phone our. wives — and then 
We'll wire the brewers at Omaha 

To put on extra men." 

Two weeks later Frank returned 

But was not satisfied, 
He had a roving passion 

That would not be denied. 
So he went to Independence, 

In dear old Kansas state. 
Where he spent his hard earned money 

At a most alarming rate. 

The sports of Independence 

Followed Frank around the square, 
As they spoke in knowing whispers 

Of the K. C. millionaire. 
Frank was carrying a hand bag. 

And the sight caused many thrills 
When the "wise ones" said the grip was full 

Of one thousand dollar bills. 

-75- 



The marshal with two deputies 

Followed Frank all over town 
And stood with drawn revolvers 

Every time Frank set it down. 
Frank bought a loaf of rye bread 

Then made a little trip 
Down to the depot platform 

Where he opened up the grip. 

A deadly, sickening odor 

Was wafted through the air — 
A German said, "Gee — that smells good, 

I'd know it anywhere." 
Half of the throng was overcome 

And sank down on their knees 
As the German sniffed again and said, 

''Good old limburger cheese." 



THE WIMMIN FOLKS WAS RIGHT. 

(Through the shale rock gullies of Arkansas, on 
the trail of a lonesome swine.) 
The voice of someone singing 

(Not related to a thrush) 
Was wafted on the breezes 

That blew up from the brush. 
The tone denoted happiness 

And — (As a compliment) 
While the singer lacked ability 

He displayed, what's more — content. 

The rasping voice grew stronger 

As the joyous one drew near ; 
A native squirrel hunter 

Waited for him to appear. 
The native coughed uneasily 

And laid aside his gun 
When he recognized the singer 

As Lorenzo Hutchinson. 

"Hutch" walked up to the native 

With a cordial "Howdy Lem, 
I'm mighty glad to see you, 

How's your Ma and Uncle Clem?" 
"All the folks are fair to middlin' 

'Ceptin' Uncle Clem an' Liz, 
They've been complainin' lately, 

Both laid up with rheumatiz." 

"Gosh, Lon — you shore look handsome 

In them bran' new, city clothes ; 
How you happened back to these parts, 

Well, goodness only knows. 
They say you are a owner 

Of a reg'ler city store; 
To look at you they'd never think 

That you was ever 'pore'." 

-76- 



"I must run down an' tell Nora 

That shore will be good news ; 
She's gettin' citified herself. 

She wears corsets now an' shoes — 
O, law, yes, she is stylish, 

An' the wimmin folks 'bout here 
Lows she hinted at a weddin' 

To take place some time this year." 

'T'm a thinkin' it's suspicious 

You a bein' here an' all, 
Looks like Nora's Ma '11 lose her 

I'm a thinkin' 'fore next fall. 
But I sorta somehow reckon 

As how the city's frills 
Will suit her whole lots better 

Than a life among these hills." 

"Hutch" said, "No, Lem, you're mistaken 

I get tired of city life 
Where one day's just like another, 

All is worry, care and strife ; 
Sometimes, Lem, I get so homesick 

For these rocks and hills, it seems 
I live again my boyhood days 

In ever pleasant dreams." 

'T long to see the homespuns, 

The timber and the shale ; 
I long to see a 'razorback' 

With a mud ball on its tail. 
I just hanker for a fiddle 

And I long to hear it moan, 
Where a fiddle ain't called Violin,' 

And where notes were never knoAvn." 

*T long to see barefooted girls 

In gingham — all homespun, 
Who are shy on table etiquette 

But can wrestle, shoot or run. 
I long to be with just plain folks 

Back here in Arkansaw, 
Where they call their father just plain Tap/ 

And call their mother 'Maw.' '' 

"Well," Lem said, "I'm glad to hear it, 

I guess the wimmin' folks was wrong 
'Bout you and Nora marryin,' 

What? You're goin'? Well, So long." 
"Hutch" met Nora at the cross road 

As they drifted out of sight 
Lem shook his head and venture'd, 

"I guess the wimmin' folks was right." 



'7J' 



"TOAD STOOL BOB^S*' LAST TALK. 



HaiT}'- La France was humming softly 

As he strolled along his beat, 
He stopped (as is his custom) 

And looked south at Packard street. 
A stranger came up smiling 

And with a cautious air 
He asked — "Who is that fellow 

Standing over there?" 

"That's Darnell, ex-plain clothes copper, 

Who worked with 'Handsome Jack,' 
And a man was sure a goner 

When that pair got on his track. 
But Darnell moved up some lately 

And I tell you what — HIS job 
Beats the Mayor's for importance. 

He's now known as 'Toadstool Bob.' " 

"There were several people poisoned 

And the cops were in the dark. 
Till Darnell found they had eaten 

Toadstools picked at Shawnee park. 
They appointed 'Bob' custodian 

Of the mighty toadstool field. 
And he got right down to business 

To cut down the toadstool yield." 

"He had twenty-five men working 

From dawn till after dark 
And the famous toadstool pasture 

He rechristened 'Toadstool Park.' 
Fie imported men from Canada 

To clean the patch up quick, 
And Bob appointed 'Handsome Jack' 

To call upon the sick." 

"Talk about 'Bill' Bryan's lectures. 

Say — when 'Toadstool Bob' cut loose 
He made old 'Grape Juice William' 

Look like a dirty deuce. 
I heard Darnell's last lecture 

When he talked to half the town 
And of all the lecturers I've heard 

'Toadstool' beats 'em all — hands down." 

"A chance to hear him lecture 

Was certainly a treat ; 
He struck straight from the shoulder 

To the crowd out in the street. 
'Citizens — you see before you 

Something small in my right hand, 

Far more deadly than the viper. 

It's the curse of all the land." 

-7Sr- 



" *It tempts and lures the appetite 

To which all men are slaves, 
It will put strong men on crutches 

And send weak ones to their graves. 
Ignorance of this plant sends many 

To an early, painful doom 
When they eat a deadly toadstool 

Thinking: it a 'musharoon.' " 



*' 'You unanimously elected me 

To keep the death rate down 
As inspector of the mushrooms 

And the toadstools here in town. 
I have done my duty nobly, 

There is no denying that, 
And I've shown SAvellhead foodologists 

That I knew where I was at.' " 

"A doctor in the crowd that day 

Yelled— 'Mister "Toadstool King," 
You've been talking for an hour 

But you haven't said a thing. 
Why don't you tell the difference 

Between the two plants — eh? 
All you ever do is stand up there 

And toss the bull— all day.' " 

"The crowd yelled its approval 

And 'Bob' wore a worried look 
When Tom' Lilley screamed, 'You faker, 

You're a second Doctor Cook.' 
'Toadstool' left the lecture platform 

As the crowd yelled 'Good Night, Quince !' 
'Bob' is still mushroom inspector. 

But he hasn't lectured since." 



"HUMAN DERRICK" OLSON. 

Officer Dooley was complaining 

As he slowly walked his beat, 
"I'm tired of all this walking, 

A riot would be a treat. 
Things are certainly mighty quiet 

And this job is getting stale ; 
It sure is some monotonous 

On a beat in Armourdale." 

"The duties of an officer 

Where people are so mild 
Could be easily executed 

By a fourteen-year-old child. 
If it wasn't for the walking 

This job would be a cinch ; 
Why, I've tramped this beat for seven days, 

And haven't made a pinch." 

—79— 



He swung his club and sauntered 

Toward the Belt Line tracks 
As he yearned to find a crap game 

Or some policy playing blacks.. 
As he started to cross Adams street 

He heard somebody shout, 
He stopped to listen — wondering 

What it was all about. 

A teamster rushed up to him 

And yelled, ''Alarm the town ; 
I tried to cross the bridge just now 

And found the west span down, 
Two houseboats are on fire ; 

Something must be done quick, Boss ! 
Here comes the fire department, 

How'll they ever get across?" 

Officer Dooley thought a moment, 

Then he hunted up a phone 
And phoned to "Cap" O'Donnell, 

'T am down here all alone, 
The Kansas avenue bridge, 'Cap,' 

Has dropped in the Kaw; 
Now here's the chance we need to show 

The speed of Kansas law." 

"Cap" hung up the receiver 
And turned round in his chair 

As he shouted to Charles Little, 
"Is Theodore Olson there?" 

Olson rushed into the office ; 

"Cap" said, "Here's your golden chance, 

Report to Dooley — Armourdale, 
While I telephone La France." 

Olson grabbed a passing street car 

And rushed to Armourdale, 
Where he found a vast throng gathered 

And the mob sent up a wail 
As he shouted out to Dooley, 

"Aye bane har to save dae day. 
Just tell me where dae trouble is 

And Aye will lead dae way." 

Chief McNarrey grew impatient 

As he pointed to the shacks 
Saying, "We don't need you coppers, 

What we need's hydraulic jacks." 
Olson said, "Don't fret, McNarrey, 

You have bane delayed before." 
Then throwing off his overcoat 

He darted for the shore. 

-SO— 



He got down on his hands and knees 

And crawled along the bank, 
Saying, as he crawled beneath the bridge, 

"Dis bane tough yob — Aye tank." 
With the bridge upon his shoulders 

And a smile upon his face 
He raised the span up to the pier 

And pushed it into place. 

Olson stood in this position 

For two hours and a half, 
Then Dooley called, "All right, it's fixed," 

And the big crowd had to laugh 
As "Human Derrick" Olson 

Turned to the mighty throng, 
Saying, "Aye got small pain in mae back. 

Aye vonder what is wrong." 



CYCLONE JOE. 



Joe Downs at police headquarters 

Sighed and laid aside his club 
As he said, "A plain patrolman 

Is nothing but a dub; 
I want some REAL excitement, 

And I will bet my wad 
That I could make a record 

In the motorcycle squad." 

"To hear the throbbing engine 

As you skim along the street. 
With the phone poles flashing past you, 

Say — that is one real treat ; 
When it comes right down to speeding 

I'll bet a hundred dollar bill 
I can make Jim Cook, the speed king, 

Look like he was standing still." 

"One hundred miles an hour 

Is the speed I'd want to make, 
I could beat the national champion 

If I got 'an even break. 
I'd make Cook look like a novice, 

And you can tell 'Big Jim' 
He can use new Firestone tires 

And I'll ride upon the rim." 

"Why, 'Big Jim' shuts off power 

At every little curve, 
That is evidence enough, Pal, 

To show he lacks real nerve. 
Can I beat him? Say, old timer, 

I will bet a Stetson hat 
That when I get to going 

I'll do a mile in nothing, flat." 

-81— 



"There's that other 'boob', Jim Leahy, 

Thinks he knows how to ride; 
Say— when he sees me ramble, 

He'll resort to suicide. 
Ryan thinks that he can go some, 

But he hasn't got a show. 
And the public soon will clamor 

For the speed king — 'Cyclone Joe.' " 

Chief Gordon heard Joe talking 

And he called Joe to one side 
Saying, 'Tf you speak the truth, Joe, 

You sure know how to ride. 
I can use another good man. 

And if what you say is true, 
Report here in the morning, 

I will have a wheel for you." 

Joe thanked the chief profusely. 

And went upon his way, 
Reporting at the station 

As a cycle man next day. 
He'd pace the office floor awhile, 

Then walked out through the hall, 
As he watched the clock and murmured, 

"Will I ever— get a call?" 

At eight fifteen they called Joe 

Saying, "Here's a trip for you; 
There's a daylight 'stick up' man at work 

Up on the avenue.'' 
Joe bounded down the stairway 

With a deafening, warning shout. 
He leaped across the sidewalk 

To his wheel and started out. 

Joe started north on Sixth street. 

And got to Armstrong — that was all ; 
The machine became unruly 

And he had a nasty fall. 
He limped back to the station. 

Where they gave him "first relief," 
Then Joe hung his head and started 

For the office of the chief. 



Chief Gordon heard Joe's story. 

Then he said, "I'm sorry Joe, 
But we need motorcycle men 

Who are not afraid to GO. 
I'm going in to see the mayor. 

And I'll tell you what I'll do, 
I'll suggest a motorcycle 

With three wheels, Joe — for you." 

-82- 



Joe said, "Thank you, Mr. Gordon, 

But I think IVe had enough; 
I would rather walk a beat, chief, 

Where the going's not so rough." 
Gordon answered, "Well — all right, Joe, 

That is just about your line." 
"Cyclone'' said, "I guess you're right, chief, 

No more cycle squad for mine." 



THE CHAMPION RIFLE SHOT. 

There has been a lot of argument 

Out at 5 house here of late 
And they've all been betting money 

At a most alarming rate. 
They will argue in the morning 

And they keep it up till night, 
And it winds up in a riot 

Each man claiming he is right. 

"Jodie" Williams had been bragging 

To the men, how he could shoot ; 
He said, "Back in my young days 

I was certainly a beaut. 
I used to pluck them on the fly 

When I was in my prime. 
I'd take my gun and pick a bird 

A feather at a time." 

"I remember how Cole Younger 

Used to look at me and sigh 
When he saw me bring down wild duck* 

That were flying two miles high. 
The Dalton gang would shudder 

At the mention of my name. 
Why, I taught old Bill Cody, 

All he knows about the game." 

"Say, I've brought down running rabbits 

From the window of a train 
Going sixty miles an hour 

When I crossed the Kansas plain. 
I haven't had much practice 

Since I took to fighting flames, 
But I was one keen marksman 

When I chummed with Jesse James." 

"Why, I was so good in those days, 

I couldn't get a bet. 
And as far as that's concerned, boys, 

I can step along some yet. 
Why, I'd make Leftie Louie 

Think he wasn't in the race 
When I shot my name at fifty yards 

In one square inch of space." 

-^83- 



Fred White said, "I will bet you 

A house and lot against a dime 
That when it comes to shooting 

I can beat you any time." 
Captain Jones yelled, "Quit that squabblin', 

Just put up your little change 
And settle all this argument 

Out on the rifle range !" 

Jones tacked up the morning paper 

As Joe yelled, "I'll make him quit !" 
Bowman said, "Take down that paper, 

Put up something Joe can hit." 
They opened an umbrella 

With the open side to Joe 
Then drew a line at twenty feet 

For the contestants to toe. 

Charley Cox (official scorer) 

Said, "When you're ready let me know." 
Both men answered, "We are ready," 

And the scorer shouted, "Go !" 
Jodie then took aim and fired 

And the scorer called, "No score." 
Joe said, "You must be mistaken. 

For I never missed before." 

Fred White said, "Why, Bud, you're nervous, 

I sure hate to take your dough ; 
Why, you're all upset and shaky. 

What have you been drinking, Joe?" 
"Jodie" said, "Fve not been drinking, 

But I just can't go the route ; 
All I hope is 'Wild Bill' Hickcox 

Or Frank James don't find this out." 

Captain Jones said, "Joe, I'll tell you 

Just what I'll agree to do ; 
I'll agree to keep this quiet 

If you'll sell your '22.' " 
There's a sign up now at 5 house, 

"For Sale— One Rifle— Cheap." 
But some one told on "Jodie," 

It was just too good to keep. 



"TUBBY'S" TRIAL SPIN. 

"Tubby" Williams up at "1" house 

Wears a life sized billikin grin 
Since he was moved up from the ranks 

To drive a car for Lind. 
Chief McNarrey thought it over. 

And considered using 'Chime,' 
But he gave Williams preference 

Because Earl's too fat to climb, 

—84— 



"Tubby" learned of his promotion 

And with that life-sized smile 
He said, "I'd like to take the car 

And practice for a while." 
"All right," McNarrey answered, 

"You can take a spin around, 
But be careful when you leave the house, 

Don't tear the building down/' 

Earl rushed down and cranked the engine, ' 

Climbed in and took a chew 
Then scratched his head and mumbled, 

"What's the first thing I must do? 
These levers here mean something 

And these pedals for your feet — 
Well, I'll find out more about it 

When I get out in the street." 

He zig zagged south on Sixth Street 

Then circled round the block 
McNarrey saw him go by twice 

Then looked up at the clock. 
He called to Charlie Abraham, 

"Watch out for Tubby'— 'Crip,' 
Tell him to put the car away 

When he goes by here next trip." 

Charlie answered back, "All right, Chief." 

Then something red flashed by ; 
"Crip" caught his breath — then shouted, 

"Hey — fellows — stop that guy." 
Everybody ran for shelter 

A fat man grabbed his hat. 
As "Tubby" passed him like a shot 

He stammered, "What was that?" 

Charlie rushed into the office 

Screaming, "Chief, that guy won't stop ; 
He killed a bird dog down the street 

And almost hit a 'cop.' " 
The chief rushed to a window; 

"Tubby" flashed by on the wing. 
Shouting as he passed McNarrey, 

"I can't stop this cussed thing." 

McNarrey said — "I'm sorry 

I let Tubby' go alone;" 
Then pulled his hair and started 

For the ringing telephone. 
"Hello — is this McNarrey? 

Well — this is Mayor Green; 
An auto just went by here 

And it looked like your machine." 

-85- 



"It has passed here twenty-seven times 

At a pace to beat the band; 
Now you cannot make a race track 

Of these streets — D'ye understand? 
At the rate that fellow's going 

He will ruin the mjxhine, 
Besides using your allowance 

Keeping him in gasoline." 

McNarrey hung up the receiver 

And staggered to a chair, 
Then a loud report and a deafening crash 

Broke forth upon the air. 
"Tubby" limped into the office 

And said, "Fm sorry. Chief, 
I tried to stop with the reverse 

And she stranded on a reef." 

McNarrey said, "Your trial spin 

Was certainly a frost 
It will take Bert Dill an hour 

To figure up the cost." 
George Fuller and Joe Simpson 

Went to tow the wreckage in ; 
They will talk for years at "I" house 

Of "Tubby's" trial spin. 



THE SHATTERED DREAM. 

Miss Katherine Ridpath, the "hello" girl, 

On night duty for the "Met," 
Sighed wearily as she answered, 

"The line is busy yet ; 
You'll simply have to wait — that's all — 

There's nothing else to do. 
If you'll leave your name and number 

I will call you when they're through." 

A pal of Katherine dropped in 

And sung out, "Howdy Kate? 
I've been taking in the movies. 

That's why I'm out so late. 
And say, Kate, I have news for you ; 

I got a card today 
From a friend out in the country 

Midst the scent of new mown hay." 

"She sent me an invitation 

To visit her next spring. 
To spend my week vacation; 

Isn't she the dearest thing? 
I have never seen the country, 

And I can hardly wait. 
Gee — I know I'll have a swell time ; 

Why, what's the matter, Kate?" 

-«6- 



Katherine shot both hands up skyward 

With a look of sheer despair 
And as emphasis she madly jammed 

Her back comb in her hair. 
"Say — listen, little girlie, 

That farm dope listens fine ; 
Go to it if you like it, 

But no more of it for mine." 

"I tried that stunt last summer 

And say — the sea was rough ; 
I fell — just like you're doing — 

For that "Back to Nature" stuff. 
The guys that write that stuff, Kid, 

Live in a swell hotel ; 
They've never seen the country, 

They write that junk to sell." 

"Say — I dreamed of loose kimonos, 

Sunbonnets and old shoes, 

Of shady lanes and country folks 

Who do just as they choose ; 
Of singing birds and grassy dells 

And all that line of junk. 
But take it from Yours Truly, 

That stuff is plain old bunc." 

"I will say THIS — for the country; 

They sure live as fine as silk. 
I cleaned up a flock of chickens 

And I drank a barrel of milk. 
I'm a fool about home cooking. 

But here's a tip for you: 
Just remember. Kid, that eating 

Ain't the ONLY thing you do." 

"You hit the shucks at seven bells 

(There's no place else to go) ; 
Say, you'd trade your chance at heaven 

For a good old 'jitney' show. 
The hoot owls, frogs and crickets 

Serenade you ever night, 
And, say, cornfed mosquitoes 

Can put up an awful fight." 

"Of a day the sun beats down so hot 

The leaves burn on the trees ; 
The shady lane is a country road 

With the dust up to your knees. 
I'm not trying to discourage you, 

But say, Kid, it's no lark, 
Get the same effect without the grief 

At Swope or Fairmount Park." 

r-87— 



"All you get is ONE vacation 

An' a week's a lot to lose 
Where you cannot see a street car 

And there's no cure for the blues. 
The guy that writes this nature stuff 

Is talking through his hat ; 
I admit it's fine — to READ about — 

But let it go at that." 



THE BLOODLESS BATTLE. 

"Ben" Rhoads (the lightning chauffeur) 

Raises turkeys by the drove, 
And he talks all day of turkeys 

As he sits beside the stove. 
The fire boys have grown to know 

When Ben's about to spout, 
And when they see the symptoms 

The bunch soon scatters out. 

"Ben" is just a trifle sensitive 

On the subject, understand. 
If you agree with what he says 

He takes you by the hand; 
But if you're the least bit doubtful 

And you hesitate to fall 
For the line of salve he hands you ; 

Well, you're a "boob" — that's all. 

George Smith (alias "Phoney") 

(A new man on the job) 
Said, "That 'hick' dreams of turkeys — 

Say, that big sleepy 'slob' 
Just proves that he's weak minded 

With that insane line o' talk; 
That *mutt' don't know the difference 

Between a turkey and a hawk." 

Walter Laverick said, " 'Phoney,' 

If 'Ben' knew what you said. 
He'd come right over here, Kid, 

And punch your big hard head !" 
"Is THAT so, Kid, you're dreaming, 

I hope he comes today; 
Just telephone this hoosier 

And tell him what I say." 

"I can lick him on a nickel, 

Just telephone this 'turk,' 
That cleaning up such 'boobs' as him 

Is just my line o' work.'' 
Laverick phoned to Rhoads and told him 

And "The Turk" screamed out, ;'Say, Walt, 
Tell that 'simp' I eat 'four flushers' 

And I won't need any salt." 



Tom Finn arranged a meeting 

For that afternoon at three; 
They agreed to fight at catch weights, 

With Frank Stack as referee. 
At the call of "time" they rushed and clinched 

Like a pair of "dubs" half shot; 
Merry called out : "Someone whistle 

The Turkey' wants to trot !" 

"Turkey Ben" pulled out a monkey wrench 

And swung at "Phoney'^" beak, 
Screaming, "I'm a tjurkey buzzard, 

And I come from Turkey Creek !" 
"Phgney" ran around the wagon. 

Rushed up to "Turkey Ben," 
Slapped at him open handed 

Then turned and ran again. 

"Turkey" took out after "Phoney" 

And followed him up stairs; 
The bunch below could hear them 

Scaling beds and hurdling chairs ! 
Suddenly everything grew silent 

And the bunch below looked grave, 
Then "Turkey" came down saying, 

"Phoney stopped to take a shave." 

After "Phoney" shaved and brushed his hair 

The battle was resumed. 
With "The Turkey" entering protest 

At the way George Smith was groomed. 
"Turkey" screamed above the tumult, 

"He's stepping on my corn !" _ 

Then he tied the score by spitting 

On Smith's new uniform. 

Tom Finn then shouted : "Stop it ! 

Separate those children, men! 
If Tick Up' Lowe should drop in here 

We'd. all go to the pen!" 
Frank Stack declared the bout a draw ; 

The bunch sung out "Good Night!'* 
Finn took a chew of Granger Twist 

Then sneered and said : "SOME FIGHT !" 



IT WAS TIME TO GO. 



"Pierpont" Morgan (fire fighter) 

Has been in the game for years, 
When it comes to nerve and action 

It is said he has no peers. 
When the double platoon system 

Was installed on New Year's day. 
Among the new men sent to 5's 

Was a husky, named McCray. 

-89- 



When it came to talking bravery 

This new man was a bug. 
While he couldn't tell a "dead man" 

From a nozzle or a plug. 
He would sit and rave for hours 

On what a hero he would be ; 
Morgan told McCray one evening, 

"Maybe so — we'll wait and see." 

They made a run one evening 

To a mill in Armourdale ; 
The fire was a bad one 

And the north wind blew a gale. 
The building was an old one — 

A great big empty shack. 
The fire was out by 2 a. m. 

And the boys all started back. 

Chief McNarrey called 5's captain, 

Saying, "Jones, one man must stay 
With the ruins," and Jones answered, 

"All right. Chief, I'll leave McCray." 
"Cap" Jones gave "Mac" instructions 

And "Mac" said, " 'Cap,' I think 
I could handle this watch better 

If I had one little drink." 

"Nothing doing in the booze line," 

And the captain turned to go. 
"Mac" said, " 'Cap,' it's mighty lonesome 

And it's dark down here you know." 
As the men climbed on the wagon 

Morgan turned and yelled, "Say, 'Mac,' 
There has been a lot of murders 

Committed in that shack." 

McCray grew mighty drowsy — 

Now and then he'd nod his head; 
But he couldn't sleep for thinking 

Of the last thing Morgan said. 
Now the fire chief, McNarrey, 

Wears a slicker that is white. 
With black straps 'cross the front of it — 

It's a gruesome thing at night. 

At 5 a. m. McNarrey, 
Returning from a run, 
Decided he'd drive by the mill 

On his way to No. 1. 
McNarrey wore his slicker — 

It was buttoned to his throat. 
As he walked up McCray roused up 

And saw that ghost-like coat. 

r-90-- 



"Mac" looked — then yelled and started; 

McNarrey grabbed his hat — 
As McCray passed by him like a shot, 

"Jack" stammered, "What was that?" 
His driver said, "I don't know, Chief, 

But it looked some like McCray.'' 
McNarrey said, "Well, if it was, 

He sure was on his way." 

They started through the ruins 

When McNarrey gave a start ; 
He found footprints of rubber boots 

That were forty feet apart. 
They drove back to headquarters — 

"Jack" hurried up the stair 
And called "Cap" Jones at 5 house, 

"Has McCray shown up out there?" 

"Why, he's been here a long time. Chief, 

He came in all out of breath — 
He clung to me and told me 

He'd been face to face with death. 
"I don't know what he meant, Chief, 

But something got his goat." 
"Jack" said, "I think I know, 'Cap,' 

He saw my graveyard coat." 



STREET CAR JOE. 



They talk about their "Lovey Joe,'' 

The "lovin' rag time man;" 
But when it comes to street cars, 

"Lovey Joe's" an "also ran." 
The real thing in the town today. 

From the signal bell to "go" 
Is Joe Cavett of the L road, 

Better known as "Street Car Joe." 

His watch chain is of wire. 

With a "hanger" for a charm. 
And in his cap he carries 

A small brass gong alarm. 
He slows down at every crossing, 

Whether on a car or not. 
And he can make a west side "goat" 

Do the "turkey trot." 

He has a bell cord on his door bell. 

And a headlight in the hall ; 
A picture of the L barn 

Is hanging on the wall. 
With a fender on the bath tub. 

And a hand brake on the bed. 
He runs to "slumberland" each night 

With a red light at his head. 

r-91-- 



His coffee pot is a sand box, 

With electric heat for fires. 
Instead of using knives and forks 

He uses ten-inch phers. 
When it comes to making records 

He puts Oldfield on the blink, 
With a trolley wheel upon the pipe 

Just o'er the kitchen sink. 

He has a controller on the dresser 

And a gear pan on the range; 
A register on the halltree, 

And neighbors thought it strange 
When he brought a load of ballast, 

And laid a ballast bed 
Of standard width for single track 

From the back porch to the shed. 

Steve Johnson swears that "Street Car Joe" 

Has kick springs in his feet. 
And on his front porch up at home 

Is a long straw cushioned seat. 
He has currants in his light bread, 

And sash buttons in his mush. 
While he combs his hair each morning 

With a rotary "sweeper" brush. 

When it comes to talking politics 

Joe's memory is bad, 
But he knows every schedule 

The L road ever had. 
He has replacers in the pantry 

And a switch bar on the stand, 
With this motto in the parlor : 

"If You're Slipping — Drop Your Sand." 

He has an armature in the dining room, 

A motor in the hall. 
While thirty-thousand transfers 

Form the paper on the wall. 
An automatic on the heater. 

And a fuse upon each light, 
A punch upon the sideboard — 

"Street Car Joe" must have things right. 

Carpets lined off like a pair of tracks 

Are stretched upon the floor. 
His davenport's a double truck. 

There's a switch at every door. 
When it comes to other topics 

There's a lot Joe doesn't know, 
But for street car dope just pass the prize 

To the wizzard, "Street Car Joe." 



—92— 



THE PRIZE WINNER. 



George Koran out at nine house 
Was working on a shawl, 
But laid aside his knitting, 
To talk to Jimmie Wall. 
"Wally" and Joe Lukins 
Dropped in to number nine. 
And fell to telling stories. 
Which is right in Koran's line. 

Koran told them of the navy 

And his life upon the sea. 

How he ran two hundred Spaniards 

Single-handed — up a tree. 

"I fought fully sixty greasers 

With a Barlow pocket knife. 

And was whistling Yankee Doodle, 

As I battled for my life." 

"I mowed that gang of Spaniards down, 

Until all were dead but one. 

He was as big as Harley Gunnerson, 

I'll bet he weighed a ton. 

He had a corn knife in each hand 

And he set an awful pace. 

Until I cut his head off — men, 

And threw it in his face." 

Joe Lukins said, "That's going some 

And you certainly show class 

But I almost laugh myself to death 

When I think of Henry Glass. 

When 'Blaze' first donned a uniform, 

He had one plan in view. 

He yearned to be a hero, 

A hero — through and through." 

"Blaze" was serious about it, 
Though the "boys" thought it a joke. 
Henry never got through telling 
How he loved the smell of smoke. 
"Blaze" had figured in spare moments 
How he'd rush into the flame. 
And carry out a lady, 
Then the world would shout his name." 

"Well, we made a run one evening, 
On a general alarm. 
A boarding house was burning 
Out near the "L" Road barn. 
A high east wind was blowing 
And I want to tell you *Bo' 
That by the time we got there 
The block looked doomed to go." 

—93— 



Henry Glass was sure some happy 

And I thought he'd sure drop dead, 

When he heard a lady screaming 

In a window overhead. 

He yelled, "Have courage lady, 

I will save you — have no fears," 

And he thought of how he'd prayed for 

This one chance for many years. 

Henry climbed in through a window, 
But the lady was not there. 
He thought he saw her standing 
Near the railing, by the stair. 
He wrapped her in a blanket, 
Brought her down and took one look, 
Then fainted as he realized. 
He had saved the negro cook. 

"Wally" said, "Boys — that reminds me 

Of a run, five years ago. 

We made at two o'clock a. m.. 

In about two feet of snow. 

"Storm" Blake seemed rather nervous 

As he sprang into the seat, 

And I saw him firmly set his lips, 

As we swung into the street." 

We were going west on Central, 

With the horses stretching out, 

When I saw the right front wheel come off, 

I hadn't time to shout. 

That front wheel ran for twenty blocks 

When it was caught by "Lind." 

George Koran yawned, got up and stretched, 

Then softly said — "You win.'" 



)» 



"ONE ROUND DUCKY." 



"Ducky" Moran at Number 2 house 

Had been interested for years, 

In the doings of the prize ring 

And he said he had no fears. 

Of the present crop of fighters. 

And often said, "If I cut loose, 

"I could make these so-called 'champions' 

Look like a dirty deuce." 

The bunch at 2's encouraged him 
And he finally made a match. 
"Ducky" said he'd prove to everyone 
He could soon clean up the batch. 
"Say, when I get through with Brewer 
And this Ferns guy they'll behave. 
All I need to trim these stallers 
Is a hair cut and a shave." 

-94-^ 



They matched him with an unknown 
Who (in shape) just tipped the beam, 
At one hundred twenty even, 
And was certainly a scream. 
When it come down to condition, 
He looked drawn — and pale as death. 
The first time "Ducky'' saw him, 
It almost took his breath. 



**Ducky" went to *'Buger" Sayers, 
(His chief second in the fight) 
And said, "Say, I'm no quitter, 
But I tell you it ain't right. 
To fight a human clothes pin. 
Though he's willing and dead game. 
Why it's nothing short of murder 
And I tell you — it's a shame." 



Buger said, "That's all right, "Ducky" 

I guess he knows what he's about, 

And he wouldn't take the chances 

If he couldn't "go the route.'' 

The fight fans had assembled 

And excitement was intense. 

As "Ducky" crawled in through the ropes, 

With a look of confidence. 



He was nodding to acquaintances. 
When the "skeleton" came in. 
Puffing at a "Turkish Trophy" 
While his drawn face wore a grin. 
He crossed to "Ducky's" corner, 
With a twinkle in his eye. 
And said, "Before the bell rings, 
Bid your relatives good bye." 

In the crowd around the ringside 
Was a robust, portly man. 
Who nodded pleasantly and smiled 
As he looked up at Moran. 
"Ducky" thought him an admirer, 
And he said to Buger — "Say, 
That big guy there's a plunger. 
He put a bet on me today." 

"Buger" took one look, then shuddered 
As he said, "Kid, don't feel blue, 
That's Ed Daniels — undertaker. 
Waiting patiently for you." 
"Ducky" said, "He must be crazy" 
Then the crowd sent up a yell 
As "Buger" said, "So long kid, 
See you later — there's the bell." 

-95- 



"Ducky" rushed out to the center 
And the unknown made a swing, 
That landed flush on "Ducky's" jaw 
And "Ducky" left the ring. 
He landed in the audience 
With a dull and sickening thud, 
The referee raised the unknown's hand, 
And shouted, "You win, Bud." 

Two weeks later at St. Marys', 

Moran was doing fairly well. 

The doctor said he MIGHT live through it. 

Though 'twas pretty hard to tell. 

Six teeth were gone, his tongue was split, 

And he had a broken thumb. 

His eyes were closed, his ears enlarged 

And his nose was out of plumb. 

"Ducky" finally recovered. 

And reported down to 2, 

A stranger asked for "Ducky" 

And said, "They say that you 

Are looking for a fight, kid, 

I can match you up today." 

"Ducky" turned and screamed "Have mercy.' 

Then fainted dead away. 



THE RECRUIT. 



When "Spike'' Carpenter of No. 3 

First donned a suit of blue 
He swore he'd be a grand success 

And would lead the "first prize" crew 
In about six months he proved to be 

The toughest of the drove ; 
Old "Spike" was simply "pig iron" 

(When sitting by the stove.) 

He would strut around the quarters 

And beat upon his breast. 
As he yearned to prove his metal 

In a trying — crucial test. 
"Why, look me over, fellows. 

While I may look pale and drawn. 
There's not an ounce of surplus flesh ; 

I'm all muscle, brain and brawn.' 

"I used to be a marvel, boys. 

And was famous for my strength ; 
I used to catch my waist and hold 

Myself out at arm's length. 
Why, this guy Sampson is a mutt 

When it comes to strength and looks; 
I'm living — and among you 

You just read of HIM — in books," 

-96^ 



"There is nothing I'm afraid of 

And when I learn this game, 
You'll see the name of Carpenter 

Upon the walls of fame. 
I want to make a record 

And may some day be your chief, 
With my spotless, well-earned record 

Standing out in bold relief." 

"There is 'Limpy' Hill — all crippled up 

By a mere tap on the knee, 
But ril assure you now, men. 

That — that won't occur to me. 
And there's Tom Finn, who is laying off 

With a small scratch on his head; 
Why an accident that would kill these guys 

Would not send me to bed." 

"Spike" labored late and early. 

And in about a year 
He had learned enough to come down the pole 

(If everything was clear.) 
Jim McCauley used to coach him 

On how to catch a plug 
Until the bunch began to think 

They both were going "bug." 

They made a run at midnight 

To a fire near Shawnee Park 
And "Spike" jammed on his helmet 

As they raced on in the dark, 
"Foxy Grandpa" Finn was driving 

And he sent the team along. 
As "Spike" hoped he'd have a chance to work 

Before a mighty throng. 

"Spike's" heart began to flutter 
As they dashed along the street ; 
When "Sticks" Conroy yelled at him, 

"Drop off, and keep your feet.'' 
"Spike" dropped off of the wagon 

And turned a "somerset" 
Then yelled to "Sticks," "Stay where you are, 

ril get to water yet." 

They heard "Spike" yell, "I've got it," 

Tim Morrisey rushed back. 
And screamed above the tumult, 

"You corn-fed hackensack. 
Why don't you catch a water plug? 

You leather-headed chump ; 
Instead of geting water. 

You boob, you caught a stump." 



-97- 



BUT LITTLE JACK WAS GONE. 



"Jack" Jenkins (Midget chauffeur) 

At headquarters of a night 
Would Hsten to the coppers 

As they'd recall some fight, 
They had with some bad prisoner 

They had found hard to arrest. 
"Jack" would look with admiration 

At these men who'd stood the test. 

"Jack" would envy the broad shoulders 

And the big fists of these men 
He would sigh and look them over 

Then sigh and look again. 
"Why must I remain a midget? 

Well, there's no use feeling blue 
Some day I'll get a chance to show 

What a little man can do." 

He would get away off to himself 

And fight imaginary men ; 
He would run down desperate criminals 

And land them in the "Pen." 
One night when things were quiet 

He told "Jim' Cook his plan. 
Saying, "I will prove to all the world 

That I'm a mighty man." 

"Big Jim" Cook agreed to tell him 

Where a bad man could be found. 
"Jack" said, "Do that, I'll go get him 

And we'll travel 'round and 'round." 
It was just a few nights later 

"Big Jim" called Jack out and said, 
"Yonder goes a holy terror 

With a price upon his head." 

"Jack" rushed in and grabbed his pistol 

Then rushed back to trail his man, 
Mumbling, "I will tame this teror 

If anybody can." 
"Jack'' watched the terror disappear 

In a big dark looking shack — 
He slipped up to the door step 

Then turned 'round and started back. 

He felt a big hand on his shoulder 

And his heart kept shouting, "Run," 
Then a deep, gruff voice said pleasantly, 

"Do you, live around here son?" 
Jenkins looked up at the terror 

Then he looked the other way 
Wishing he was at the station 

While he wondered what tQ say, 

—98- 



"Well," the holy terror blustered, 

"What's the matter, son — -you skeerd? 
Thar ain't nuthin' goin' to hurt cha 

So you needn't be a feard." 
"Jack" looked up and stammered, ^Mister, 

I lost a nickel here — that's why 
You found me in this alley." 

And the terror said, "Don't cry." 

The holy terror lit a match 

And began to look around. 
"Jack" slipped his badge and 'forty-five" 

Behind an old box on the ground, 
The man said, "I can't find it — 

Too bad, Son — Hully, Gee, 
But come back in the mornin' 

When it's light enough to see." 

"But — wait a minute. Sonny, 

"Till I look around once more; 
I'll look over this way. Sonny, 

Whar I didn't look before." 
"Jack" wished the man would turn his back 

So he'd have a chance to run 
And his brained reeled as the terror said, 

"Wal — look here — here's a gun!" 

"An say, Son, it's a whopper — 

A colt six — forty-five. 
An' here's a copper's badge, Son, 

Jest as shore as you're alive. 
Thar's somethin' mighty creepy 

About this thing — I swan." 
But his comments fell on vacant space 

For 'Little Jack' had gone. 



BUMMY' EDMUNDS AND THE THIEF. 



A man walked into 5 house. 

Looked long at all the men — 
He nodded silently to all 

Then started out again. 
Eight pair of wide eyes followed him — 

At the door he turned around; 
Then looking at the bunch again 

He came back and sat down. 

He turned to Fred White, saying. 

In a voice deep-toned and clear, 
"I am looking for 'Jim' Edmunds — 

I was told I'd find him here." 
Fred answered: "Well, he works here, 

But this month he works at night — 
You can see him after supper." 

And the stranger said, "All right." 

—99- 



Tm an old friend of 'Jim' Edmunds ; 

I have known him all my life — 
I knew the girl he married 

Long before she was his wife. 
*Jim' is a dandy fellow, 

A man one likes to know ; 
But we had the laugh on 'Bummy' — 

While a constable — years ago." 

" 'Bummy was a deputy 

And at twelve o'clock one night 
His wife began to shake him 

And to call him in her fright ! 
She stopped to listen, now and then, 

To the barking of the dog ! 
Then she'd shake and shout at *Bummy' 

Who was sleeping like a log." 

"Jim raised up for a minute 

And said, "never mind that pup 
You can listen all you want to. 

But, please, don't wake me up. 
You're gettin' so you holler 

Every time you hear him yelp, 
And the first thing in the morning 

I'm a goin' to kill that whelp." 

"Jim' stretched out between the blankets 

And soon to began to snore. 
His wife began to shake him. 

Saying: "Some one's at the door; 
Some one's breaking in the cellar — 

Do you hear me ? Wake up 'Jim' ! 
'Jim' roused up some and told her 

It was no surprise to him." 

"She finally woke him, saying: 

"Did you hear that chicken squawk?" 
Jim said : "I wouldn't do down stairs 

If I heard a chicken talk — 
I know there's some one down there, 

But he's a bad man — like as not — 
If I go tamperin' around him 

I am liable to get shot.'' 

"A man who breaks into your house 

Will come prepared to kill — 
I'm not on duty now, you know, 

So you might as well keep still. 
He is welcome to the chickens ; 

I'm not worryin' my head, 
I'll not bother any burglar 

Unless he tries to steal my bed," 

—100— 



I 



"Mrs. Edmunds said : "I've heard of men 

Who heard strange sounds at night ; 
Who were willing to protect their wives 

Even if they had to fight." 
'Jim' answered : "Yes, I've heard of men 

Who went lookin' for a row ; 
They were game men for a minute, 

But they're in the grave-yard now." 

"At last to satisfy his wife, 

*Jim' grumblingly arose; 
He made a lot of racket 

As he felt 'round for his clothes. 
He yelled out of the kitchen door, 

Loud enough to wake the dead — 
"I see you stealing chickens !" 

Then went back and crawled in bed/' 



PAT HURLEY'S DREAM. 



Pat Hurley down at Riverview, 
Scratched his head and thought, 
As he strolled down to the shanty ; 
'Twas seclusion that he sought. 
He was thinking of his birthday, 
Wondering how he'd entertain 
And was fast becoming drowsy 
Underneath the telling strain. 

He sat down in a corner 

After poking up the fire 

And watched the wavering wreath of smoke 

Curl upward from his briar. 

His eyes closed and he nodded 

Then his pipe dropped to the floor 

As he nestled in the corner 

And soon began to snore. 

The clanging of the car bells 
And the tramp of passing feet 
Had no effect upon him ; 
He was wrapped in slumber sweet. 
A smile played o'er his features 
And, as good nature beamed 
From his untroubled countenance 
This is what he dreamed : 

The house was gayly lighted 

With a flag man in the road 

And the table in the dining room 

Groaned underneath its load. 

Dave Luke was head dispenser 

With Steve Johnson next in line 

While Steve Van Meter pulled the corks 

On champagne and rare wine. 

—101— 



The large crowd soon came tramping in; 

'Twas a long and jolly line 

Without a single accident, 

The rail was simply fine. 

Pat, in his new claw hammer coat 

Received them at the door 

And the "turn-ins" the conductors left 

Made a huge pile on the floor. 

Abe Hoshaw was toastmaster 

With a "Colt six" in his hand. 

While Steinbeck issued transfers 

With a smile serene and bland. 

"Hard Head" Green and Frankie Wittcraft 

Ate everything in sight 

And Pat says, "That looks promisin'," 

"Perhaps there'll be a fight." 

John Swanson says, "Dis sure bane fine,*' 

"A fine time — bless my soul," 

Then he fainted as George Kennedy 

Drank from his finger bowl. 

George Miller started through the hall 

With one long, mighty squeeze, 

But he wedged there and Hugh Kelly yelled, 

"Up in front !" "Step forward, please !" 

They called a wrecking crew at once 

To get George Miller out. 

Pat brought in three replacers 

And the crowd began to shout 

While George was struggling bravely 

With a grave look on his face, 

George Green called out Bill Kane and Smith 

And told them to fill space. 

The crowd was yelling for a speech; 

Pat arose with glass in hand 

And said, "My dear beloved friends, 

I'll do the best I can; 

It affords me much real pleasure. 

As I look without one pang 

Into the seamy faces 

Of this great hard drinking gang." 

Then Frank Buehler, with a souse on 
Did a toe dance — 'twas sublime. 
Until he went to skidding 
And broke his right leg seven times. 
Everything was going lovely 
'Till Ed Hawkins cleared his throat 
And tried to pin a yellow rose 
Upon Pat Hurley's coat. 

—102— 



Pat's winsome smile soon disappeared 
And he took the right-of-way 
When Henry Kjellquist shouted 
"That man's an A. P. A.!" 
The fight was fast and furious 
'Till Hoshaw began to shout 
And the gang all ran for shelter 
When his ''blue steel six" rang out. 

Pat was underneath the table 

And his eyes began to shine 

As he yelled, "Who's riot is this? 

Tell me, Hoshaw, yours or mine?" 

Frank Brown remarked in deep disgust, 

"A beastly crowd — by jove," 

Then Pat awoke to find he had 

A leg hold on the stove. 



THE ENDLESS ARGUMENT. 



(Author's note — A letter from Hugh Kelly (for- 
mer West Side conductor, now residing in Oakland, 
Cal.), gives his address as the Don Apartments. 
The following argument is but one of the many 
upon the construction and furnishing of the Don 
Apartments). 

Our old friend Hughie Kelly 

Has been gone a year or more. 
But his name is often mentioned 

In Wood & Coldwell's store; 
In the rear of that prescription case, 

When evening trade is light ; 
Dave Luke and 'Old Steve' Johnson 

Sit and argue half the night. 

They argue on all subjects, 

But mostly it's of Hugh, 
And often times Ed Wood is called 

To separate the two. 
The other night down in the store 

Steve angered 'Little Dave' 
By insisting that Hugh Kelly 

Was living in a cave. 

"Why, man ! You're raving crazy ! 

You're a lunatic — that's all ; 
I'd like to pop you on your chin 

Just to hear your carcass fall; 
Your age is all that saves you. 

You've been talking through your hat 
Hughie Kelly is no hermit; 

Hugh is living in a flat !" 

—10^ 



"Hugh lives at the 'Don Apartments/ 

A swell place — up to date, 
Why man, it's like a mansion 

On a millionaire's estate; 
Electric lights, pianos 

It is one of those homesteads, 
With solid marble bath rooms 

And disappearing beds." 

"A million dollars' worth of books ; 

Swell rugs of tiger skin, 
A butler in a uniform 

To let the boarders in; 
Electric bells to call the maids, 

Oiled floors beneath your feet, 
A mahogany dining table 

With the choicest things to eat." 

" 'Bill' Kane then interrupted Dave 

And said: "Well, goodness knows, 
How a man like Hughie stays there. 

With just one suit of clothes. 
I will bet a hundred dollars. 

And I'll leave the coin with Ed, 
That when a man stands up the roof 

Ain't two feet from his head." 



*ril bet a man, who's six feet tall. 
Can stand upon the floor. 

Put his arm up through the chimney 
And open the front door. 

That big name, 'Don Apartments' 
Is nothing but a stall ; 

I'll bet a man sleeps in the yard 

If he's over five feet tall !' " 



'T'll bet you there's a pig pen , 

Built against the kitchen door 
And the boards squeak River Shannon 

When you walk across the floor; 
I will bet the snoring boarders 

Sound like great Niagara Falls, 
And I'll bet the butler's uniform 

Is a pair of overalls." 



"Well," Dave said, "I'll \vrite to Hughie 

To take a life sized view 
Of the palatial Don Apartments, 

And send it back to you." 
"What evidence would that be? 

Hugh could send a photograph 
Of the city hall or court house 

And then sit down and laugh." 

—104— 



"Just tell me how you're going to prove 

The picture's on the square? 
I know Hugh ain't rubbing elbows 

With no multi-millionaire. 
Just because the name sounds big to you 

Don't prove the place is swell." 
Dave grabbed his hat and started out, 

Turned and shouted : "Go to h V 



SPRINTING "PICKIE" BELL. 



Sam Nichols down at No. 2 

Was rolling on the floor; 
He'd laugh a while then rest a while, 

Then he would laugh some more. 
"June" Marshall was hysterical; 

Lee Morgan was so weak 
From laughing that he sought his bed; 

He couldn't even speak. 

"Dog Face" Smith and "Jakie" Jacobson 

Were leaning against the wall ; 
"Giby" Gibson was unconscious 

On the floor out in the hall. 
"Buger Sayers broke his collar bone 

In a frenzied laughing fit. 
The near horse on the wagon 

Laughed until he broke his bit. 

The police ran from the station 

To see what was going on; 
They worked upon "June" Marshall 

For "June" was almost gone. 
After finally reviving him 

He rested for a spell 
Then told the cops this story 

About sprinting "Pickie" Bell: 

"You have heard of fast men, Kiddo, 

But a pigeon on the wing 
When it comes right down to speeding, 

Well, it simply ain't a thing. 
A rabbit has a record, 

But it hides it's face in shame. 
And will madly dash for shelter. 

At the mention of Bell's name.'* 

"It happened just the other day v 

And we are laughing yet. 
We took the cart to Anderson's 

To have the tires reset. 

On our way back to our quarters 

We heard "Buger" Sayers' shout, 
"There's a bunch of weeds on fire. 

Let's put the fire out !' " 

—105- 



'*We tried to smother out the flames 

With slickers and old clothes 
But saw we couldn't make it 

So we laid a line of hose. 
After putting out the fire 

We were about to go; 
'Jakie' Jacobson yelled to Tickie,' 

Tut on the plug cap ; gee, you're slow.' 

" Tickie' smiled back as he answered, 

'We will soon be in the clear,' 
When glancing o'er his shoulder 

He beheld a charging steer. 
With a shout of fright he started 

And as he passed the crew 
*Jakie' yelled, 'Where are you going?' 

And Tickie' yelled back, 'Down to 2.' 

"Now, 'Pickie' is a 'south paw'. 

And we couldn't help but smile 
When 'Pickie' threw a hose wrench 

And missed the steer a mile. 
He dodged beneath the 'L' road 

The color of a ghost 
And led the steer by seven feet 

As he dodged from post to post." 

"He screamed out, 'Rope him, fellers,' 

As he stumbled o'er a ridge. 
Then looking once more at the steer 

He headed for the bridge. 
The steer was slowly gaining 

And they made our watches hum 
To snatch the time, for 'Pickie' 

And the steer were going some." 

" 'Pickie' reached the fire station. 

Rushed in and locked the door. 
He was panting like a lizard 

When we found him on the floor. 
When it comes right down to action 

Old mercury is a ham ; 
There is only one thing ties him, 

And that's a telegram." 



WHATS IN A KISS? 



What's in a kiss, you ask; ah, me, 
That could be discussed to eternity, 
And no matter how the opinions may blend. 
There is food for much thought clear through to 
the end. 

—106-^ 



Literally speaking, I feel quite secure 
In saying it represents all that is pure, 
But life at its best you must admit frail, 
With hypocrisy prominent, leaving it's trail. 

Kisses of gratitude, the kiss of relief. 
Kisses of happiness, kisses of grief; 
Passionate kisses, the kiss that is mild. 
The fond mother's kiss to an innocent child. 

The kiss that brings confidence, drives away tears, 

Bringing new hope, dispelling our fears ; 

The kiss of the dying, nearing life's end, 

The kiss of a warm-hearted, staunch and true friend. 

The kiss of formality, distant and cold. 
The kiss of the timid, the kiss of the bold, 
The kiss of the aged, the kiss of the youth. 
The kiss of deception, the kiss of pure truth. 

It represents volumes, transmitting themes. 
Unspeakable thoughts, the ambition of dreams ; 
The passport of truthfulness when properly used. 
The emblem of purity, though oft times abused. 

The kiss of condolence oft lessens the strife. 
One kiss of a maiden may change her whole life. 
Improbable? Yes, but never the less, 
Just one little kiss has caused years of distress. 

What's in a kiss? A future — sometimes. 
To some it means gladness, the pealing of chimes. 
To some it means ruin, to some its means bliss. 
There is unfathomable power in one little kiss. 



THE SMACKER CONVENTION. 



Chief McNarrey paced his office 

With an anxious, worried look; 
Now and then he'd make notations 

In a leather covered book. 
He mumbled in his ravings. 

With his fingers in his hair. 
As he reeled across his office. 

Feeling blindly for his chair. 

Then the chief called *'Bert" Dill, saying, 

(In a muffled undertone) 
"Call 'threes' and get Sam Nichols 

For me — on the telephone." 
Jack bellowed at Sam Nichols, 

"Whip your prize crew into line ; 
Failure on your part to do this 

Means discharge or a heavy fine." 

—107— 



"I want every representative 

To be ready for the fray, 
For every day at this convention 

Is to be a gala day. 
The boys up here at 'one' house 

Are in fine shape for this game 
And I v^ant the other houses 

And their rigs to be the same." 

" 'Chime' Baker and Joe Simpson 

Will perform upon high wire, 
Carrying 'Johnnie' Fee between them 

Through a roaring wall of fire ; 
That is one act of the many 

And I want this understood, 
You will sure hear from headquarters 

Unless your specialties are good." 

"Well," Sam said, "Chief, I had figured 

On a nobby litle stunt ; 
This act included everything. 

From a 'home run' to a 'bunt.' 
I have drilled the men here perfectly 

And command them all at will ; 
ril show everything in our line. Chief, 

From a 'second' to a 'still.' " 



"According to your orders, Chief, 

The new truck must be used. 
But you failed to give assurance 

That the truck won't be abused. 
I had figured some on using it. 

And perhaps I'll do it yet, 
But I hate to take the chances — 

I'm afraid I'll get it wet." 

Then the Chief 'phoned all the houses. 

And each man explained his turn; 
Then McNarrey yelled to 'Lindy,' 

"We will have good stunts to burn. 
Practice up your lecture, 'Lindy,' 

Telling of your recent trip ; 
Tell 'em how you kept your meals down 

While on board a racing ship." 

Then the Chief told Henry Swingley 

What he wanted him to do. 
"Say," 'Jack' said, "I've got my hands full 

And I'm leaving some to you. 
The visiting teams are well prepared, 

And listen — here's a hunch — 
No mater WHAT they pull on us 

We must beat 'em to the punch." 

—108-^ 



"Vm not afraid of Morbacher, 

But these men, K. D. Doyle 
And C. C. Rice, are tricksters ; 

They're the men we've got to foil. 
Kinney Duncan is an owl 

And Harry Helser, too ; 
Say, we've got to beat 'em to it, 

No matter WHAT they do." 

*T have a SWELL idea, Henry, 

I've been keeping in the dark; 
I intend to let the children 

Take a look at 'Ugly' Clark. 
This Clark dope's confidential. 

Keep that underneath your hat. 
For we'd be 'rums' to let these guys 

Know where we were at." 

" 'Sticks' Conroy and Tubby' Williams 

Are rehearsing after dark 
With Frank Stack and 'Buger' Sayers 

On the grass at Shawnee Park." 
When 'Jack' told him of 'Chime' Baker's act 

Swingley said, "It's my belief 
You're not seeking entertainment — 

What you want is murder, Chief," 



THE FALSE REPORT. 



Chief Gordon lit a fresh cigar 

And settled in his chair, 
Then placed his feet upon his desk 

With an independent air. 
He looked around, contented — 

For once he was alone — 
Then muttered as he reached to get 

His noisy telephone. 

An excited voice said, "Say, Chief, 

I live in Armourdale 
And have made complaints to No 3, 

But all to no avail. 
There are two men on the streets here, 

Who dress in height of style, 
Who do not do a cussed thing 

But pace the streets and smile." 

"Now, I'm a married man. Chief, 

With a daughter — almost grown — 
And if these two men are mashers 

It's a fact that should be known. 
I've reported my suspicions 

To your man in charge down here, 
But he scoffed at me and answered, 

That's a bum steer, pal — bum steer.' " 

—109— 



The chief hung up the receiver, 

Saying, "Goodness only knows 
How things like that are carried on 

Beneath our very nose." 
Then he called "Shortstop" Costello 

And sent him down to "3/' 
Saying, "You and Dooley look this up 

And report tonight to me." 

Jimmie Dooley said, "Costello, 

You don't know how it hurts 
To have the big chief call my hand 

And especially — for flirts. 
A guy who'll stand around and flirt 

Is nothing but a pup. 
And, believe me, when I find one 

I usually muss him up." 

"You may think this a small matter ; 

I assure you, though, it ain't ; 
And I want to find the fellow 

That 'phoned in this complaint." 
Costello handed Jimmie the address 

Of the man who had 'phoned the chief, 
And Jimmie said, "Come on, old kid, 

Let him tell ME his grief." 

They found the man and he agreed 

To accompany them on their rounds ; 
Jimmie got his fighting Irish up — 

His anger knew no bounds. 
They were walking north on Packard street, 

Near Kansas avenue. 
When their guide said, "Hurry — there they go. 

Those guys in gray and blue." 

Jimmie held his breath a minute, 

Then let out an awfull yell 
As he bellowed, "What — those fellows? 

Why, that's Dillon and Darnell. 
Why, you white livered bonehead, 

I'd ought to punch your nose ; 
They're full fledged, all wool coppers 

Who are working in plain clothes." 



"Now call the chief, you rummy. 

Tell him you'll take it back — 
That the guys you thought were mashers 

Were Darnell and 'Handsome Jack.' 
When the chief learns of your error 

Like as not he'll have you shot, 
For 'Handsome Jack' and 'Bob' Darnell 

Are Johnnie on the spot." 

—110- 



When Costello told Chief Gordon 

Of the case, the Chief just smiled 
And said, "Put that in writing, 

Take it in and have it filed, 
That's good for future reference." 

And as he turned his back 
He murmured, "That's a hot one 

On Darnell and 'Handsome Jack.' " 



THE SLEEPING CONTEST. 



"Crip" Abraham was talking 

To "Ugly" Clark one day 
About sound sleepers, and he said, 

I'll bet a whole month's pay 
There's not a man in uniform 

Who can sleep like John McLean- 
There's a guy that sure enjoys it, 

He's the best I've ever seen." 

" *j3-ck Gallagher is some sleeper, 
But you've got to sky your lid 

To 'Handsome' John of No. 4, 
He is sure the sleeping kid"- 



Tim Morrisey sauntered in the door 

And listened for a while 
Then said, "I've got a man, 'Crip,' 

Who can beat McLean a mile." 

"Ben Armstrong (working extra) 

No sooner hits the bed 
And crawls beneath the covers 

Till he's just the same as dead. 
He rams his hands beneath the pillow 

And spreads out on the sheet 
And people hear him snoring 

As they pass by in the street." 

"You talk about sound sleepers, 

Why, sa}^ I've seen this guy 
Come down the pole and make a run 

And never bat an eye. 
I've seen him ride. Pal, sound asleep, 

A half mile at a crack ; 
And lots of times he don't wake up 

Till we are coming back." 

"I'll bet a hundred dollars 

Ben Armstrong can't be beat 
And a guy that even ties him 

Must go an awful heat." 
John Conaty spoke up and said, 

"Ben can sleep to beat old 'Nick,' 
But I know another sleeper 

Who can hit an awful lick." 



"Bob Bowman out at No. 5 

Is a classy sleeper, Tim, 
And before you award the medal 

You must first consider him." 
Tim called up Jodie Williams 

And asked Joe to make a bet. 
Jodie said, "Get all you can, Tim, 

And we'll cover all you get." 

'But before you bet your money 

Think it over quite a bit. 
For this man here's the man that made 

Old Rip Van Winkle quit." 
Tim said, "I'll arrange a contest, 

Do you think Bob will agree?" 
Jodie answered, "Hold the 'phone, Tim, 

I'll wake him up and see." 

A committee of six judges 

Were to take their turns on watch 
And there never was such betting 

(Barring Hackenschmidt and Gotch), 
"Pap" Callahan held the money, 

Tim was pacing to and fro. 
Coaching Ben, who sat there waiting 

For the signal bell to "Go." 

Bob Bowman sat and nodded, 

Theodore Jones began to fret. 
As he pleaded with Bob Bowman, 

"Save yourself and win this bet." 
On Monday night at eight o'clock 

They got the signal bell 
And at six p. m. on Wednesday 

Jodie 'phoned Tim, "All is well." 

McLean slept twenty hours, 

Then he got up with a yawn. 
And cursed himself on learning 

That the contest still was on. 
Bob Bowman awoke on Friday 

And ask who won the bet ; 
Jodie snarled, "Bob, you're a quitter — 

Ben Armstrong's sleeping yet 1" 



FRANK BUEHLER'S SUIT OF CLOTHES. 



Mr. Buehler, motorman on car 285, Quindaro 
Boulevard branch of the "L" Road division, is built 
along portly lines. The boys who know him say he 
is the largest object (barring Lemmon Bros*, 
elephant "Rajah") they have ever seen breathe. — 
Author. 

—112— 



Frank Buehler — off of duty, 

Picked up a tailor's ad ; 
He decided that his old suit 

Was looking pretty bad. 
He sent out a call for volunteers 

To help him make the choice, 
And Burt Morrison responded, 

In a weak and faltering voice. 

They went up to Haug's tailor shop, 

Frank squeezed in through the door ; 
With beads of perspiration 

Bursting out of every pore. 
The tailor, from behind the desk. 

Whistled long and loud, 
As he said to his assistant, 

"Mercy, what a crowd." 

He circled around Frank's dainty form 

As he said, "How do you do? 
Is there something, gents, this evening, 

For either one of you?" 
Frank panted out in anger. 

As Burt tremblingly stood near : 
"Take my measure for a suit of clothes — 

Did you think we wanted beer?" 

The tailor staggered 'round the shop. 

Like a man who'd lost his mind. 
As he yelled to his assistant, 

"Get a fifty-foot tape line." 
He copied off the measurements. 

And a caller wanted to know 
If the dimensions on the paper 

Were for a bungalow. 

A guessing contest was arranged. 

To be held in Convention Hall, 
With the suit on exhibition 

And a guessing chance to all. 
A daylight run was offered 

To the winner of first prize — 
The doors were opened up at eight 

To a crowd of enormous size. 



The guessing was exciting. 

With eighty-five per cent 
Of the entire group of street car men 

Guessing it a circus tent. 
One man from off the Brooklyn line 

Viewed the fancy, narrow stripe 
And guessed it was a tarpaulin 

For the new "two hundred" tipe. 

—113^ 



But there was one lone stranger there, 

Who sadly shook his head, 
And as he spoke it sounded 

Like a voice up from the dead. 
"I'm not a street car man, my friends. 

Or I'd win with half a chance. 
I know just what that outfit is, 

For I used to make Frank's pants." 

"I advertised the pants I made. 

With no charge for the seat, 
A dollar six bits for each leg, 

And it really was a treat 
To see the business rolling in ; 

I was strictly in the game, 
I was riding in an auto 

And then — Frank Buehler came." 

"I made two pair of high grade pants. 

Two pair for Frank — that's all 

Then was forced into assignment — 

My firm went to the wall. 
Gents, I'm now a crossing flagman; 

I insist — life is not sweet. 
My partner suffered also ; 

He's selling shoestrings on the street." 

"What you see there before you 

Is not Wellman's big balloon. 
Neither is it, gents, a canvas 

For an open air saloon. 
Just take it from a bankrupt, 

A man who surely knows, 
What you see on exhibition 

Is Frank Buehler's suit of clothes." 



WAITIN' FUR TH' MAIL. 



There's lots o' fun a-waitin' at the depot fur th* 

train. 
There's lots o' fun a-whittlin' an' a-looking at it 

rain ; 
There's lots o' fun a-shootin' at th' rabbits an' th* 

quail. 
But there's nothin' so amusin' as a-waitin' fur th 

mail. 

Everybody that hain't harvestin' '11 surely be on 

hand, 
A-loafin' 'round th' office, spinnin' yarns ter beat th' 

band ; 
No matter how th' weather is th' crowd '11 never 

fail. 
Ter congregate an' prevaricate, a-waitin' fur th* 

mail. 

—114- 



4 



I like ter se th' big bugs flyin' by in horseless rigs, 
I like ter see a opera chap a-doin' Irish jigs ; 
When I go ter Kansas City them sights all soon get 

stale, 
An' I find there's no enjoyment like a-waitin' fur 

th' mail. 



SWITCHIN' ON DE BRAIN. 



Say, youse talk about yer switchin' in a way ter 

beat a band ; 
Yer drivers must be slippin' — drop yer sand, drop 

yer sand; 
Wy youse come off de Belt Line an' youse tink dat 

youse are good. 
When all youse rough necks ever do is run an' carry 

wood. 



De way youse buggers chug de cars 'ud make old 

timers bawl, 
Youse ought to hit de Wabash, where dey has to 

coon 'em all ; 
Wy on de dead youse run so much yer ankles ger 

so hot 
Dat youse 'ud catch on fire if youse got one hour 

spot. 

De way youse belches 'bout yer job 'ud drive a man 

to tears, 
Wy, youse wouldn't know de targets if youse 

worked a hundred years ; 
You've worked six months an' on de square yer speil 

near makes me sigh. 
If youse ever had a house track youse 'ud tink dat 

it was pie. 

If youse ever rode a transfer, youse 'ud tink yer job 

was soft. 
You'd call it an excursion an' 'ud tink 'twas layin' 

off; 
So head in on de Rip track while someone bleeds 

yer train, 
Fer youse is sure a dead one, kid, wid switchin' on 

de brain. 



-115- 



THE GOLDEN WEDDING. 



Written for Morris Merry in honor of the 50th 
wedding anniversary of his parents. 
Fifty years ago — Dad, 

You made mother here your bride; 
Through fifty years of struggles 

You have labored side by side. 
Fifty years of loyalty 

Stand out in bold relief 
You have shared each other's pleasures, 

And You've shared each other's grief. 
You have trudged along life's pathway, 

And you've marked off all the miles 
With helpfulness and cheerfulness. 

With assurances and smiles 
You have labored for each other; 

Yours has been a life of love. 
Of devotion and of sacrifice 

Registered above 
You have fought the fight together. 

And now turn the Golden page 
There is nothing sweeter, purer 

Or grander than old age. 



"THE DADDY OF THEM ALL." 



Before the Fireman's State Convention 
Was held in K. C. K. 
"Dutch" Bemol out at 6 house 
Often passed the time away, 
Telling all the bunch at sixes 
Just how easy it would be 
For him to win big money 
At the tournament in K. C. 

"Say" he said, "Believe me 'kiddo' 
I will show them all a trick. 
And before this thing is over 
I will get myself a 'hick.' 
ril just look the prize list over. 
And pick out the prize I want 
Then Fll just jump out and 'cop' it 
In an easy little jaunt." 

On the first day of the contests 
'Dutch' Bemol was on hand; 
He walked up to McNarrey 
Sitting in the Judge's stand. 
"Say Chief— Fd like to enter 
In the contests here today." 
'Jack' said, "I'm sorry Bemol, 
But you'd be in the way." 

—116— 



Geo. T. Morbacher (the treasurer) 

Said, "McNarrey it's a shame 

To bar your Kansas City boys 

For they all love this game." 

'Jack' answered, "That's 'Dutch' Bemol, 

And his plea is just a stall. 

I will let him have a work out 

With the veteran — 'Jimmie' Ball." 

Harry Helser lined the teams up 

That intended to take part, 

K. D. Doyle's and Kinney Duncan's men 

Were eager for the start. 

'Dutch' curled his lip and walked away 

To sit down in the shade 

As he mumbled, "That's no contest, 

It's a suffraget parade." 

Next morning, bright and early 
'Dutch' was back upon the ground 
He met 'Lindy' and he ventured, 
"I came out to look around. 
Mr. Lind — I want a favor 
You can grant it if you will, 
I just want the opportunity 
To show my speed and skill." 

'Lindy' said, "I'll see McNarrey." 
And Bemol murmured "Thanks 
It sure hurts to see this money 
Going to a bunch of 'yanks.' " 
'Lindy' went to see McNarrey, 
And McNarrey said, "All right. 
We'll just satisfy that dutchman, 
I'll arrange for that — to-night." 

On the last day of the meeting 
'Jack' climbed up on the stand. 
And silence fell o'er all the crowd; 
When McNarrey raised his hand, 
"I've arranged a special contest 
As a big surprise to all. 
The contestants are — Bemol, 
And the veteran — Jimmie Ball." 



'Jimmie's' smile of satisfaction 

Was the feature of the day 

When the announcer shouted, "Jimmie Ball 

Won easy — all the way." 

Bemol shouted, "Some one doped me, 

I was slower than a hearse" 

Drummy led 'Dutch' back to sixes 

As the crowd-yelled, "Good night Nurse." 

—117— 



A committee called on 'Ji^rimie/ 

And they took him to the stand 

Where McNarrey introduced him, 

As "The Greatest in The Land." 

"After thirty-four years of service 

He's tjie "daddy of them all." 

And the great throng gave three rousing cheers 

For the veteran — Jimmie Ball. 



DE GAB SPECIAL. 



Running in one section — carrying no signals. At- 
tending the bankers convention held in Kansas City 
were a number of ex-railroad men who paid a visit 
to Horace H. Herr, City Editor of The Kansas City 
Post. The following was the result. 

Say Kiddo — can dat chatter 

About big conventions — Gee 

Youse rambles in yer ravings 

Like a hog head on a spree. 

Fer real down right heart interest 

De one wid right o' way 

Was a bunch of old time rough necks 

In K. C. de udder day. 

Dey meets here on a schedule 
Dat sure was fast old scout, 
"Denny" Regan pulled de trottle 
Dat took 'em o'er de route. 
"Hen" Murray on de left hand side 
Kept de fedder agin de stack; 
"Shorty" Thomas was de skipper 
An "Baldy" Herr de shack. 

F. J. Schooler — woiken extra 

Was eatin' cinders Bo, 

"Denny" was screamin' fer de high ball, 

Fer he coitn'ly likes to go 

"Hen" Murray took de signal 

An' he yelled across de cab, 

"All right— old top~we got'er'" 

An "Denny" starts de load o' gab. 

He opened up his cylinder cocks, 
An' pulled her open — wide 
An' talk about yer runnin' Bo ; 
Dat sure was one wild ride 
De way old "Denny" fanned 'em 
Youse 'ud tink he'd gone insane 
"Baldy" Herr, an' "Shorty" Thomas 
Caught de middle of de train. 

—118- 



''Hen" Murray hollered tru his mitt, 

"Boin up de babitt Kid 

An' when de drivers cannot toin 

Just let 'em lock an' skid." 

De way dat special reeled 'em off 

Was sure hard on de brass, 

An' de water was doin' a hoochie kooch 

In "Shorty's" water glass. 

De tales dey told about "Big Bill" 

Was sure de one best bet, 

An' if "Biir is superstitious 

His ears are boinin' yet. 

De janitor went back to flag 

He stood out in de hall, 

And pleaded wid de rough necks 

Not to get blood on de wall. 

Dey dident need no target 
Dey simply cops de place. 
An' piled up a million box cars 
In twenty feet of space. 
Dey killed ten tousand people, 
An' run tree million miles 
In just tree hours Kiddo, 
An' pulls in de yards — all smiles. 

Dey boins two million tons o' coal. 

An' takes water on de fly 

An' Schooler comes in smilin' 

Wid a clinker in each eye. 

Conventions come — Conventions go. 

But say Pal — hully gee 

Dere'll never be a bunch like dat 

From off de Santa Fe. 



"CAL FAIRCHILD'S AUTO RIDE." 



You can rave about the gallant ride. 

Of the famous Paul Revere ; 

But Cal Fairchild pulled off a stunt. 

That put that in the clear. 

Paul's record stood till Cal pushed him 

Down into second place. 

And made his great cross country run 

Look like a turtle race. 

Cal says he holds the record 
That "Revere" dope is all bunc, 
Barney Oldfield's lost his reason. 
And has sold his car for junk, 
Casey Jones' record 
Like the others came to grief; 
While the record of Cal Fairchild, 
Stands out in bold relief. 

—119— 



Cal was calmly eating supper 

At' his house a mile away; 

When the dreaded fire whistle 

Belched forth it's awful lay, 

Cal grabbed his hat and cleared the porch 

Excitement was intense 

He hurdled o'er the cistern, 

And broke down fifty feet of fence. 

"My Kingdom for a horse," he cried, 
And while cursing his ill luck ; 
He almost fainted for in front 
He spied an auto truck, 
He leaped into the auto 
With no more thought of feed. 
As he yelled out to the chauffeur, 
"On to Swift's Pal — on high speed. 

The chauffeur gazed in wonder, 
As he answered, "Who are you?" 
Cal yelled, "Don't stop to argue, 
I'm the fire chief, that's who." 
The chauffeur stepped on something, 
Cal heard the motor roar; 
And a moment later found himself 
Sprawling on the floor. 

When they hit Kansas Avenue 

Cal's teeth were chattering hard. 

As he raised up on one elbow. 

And said, "Have mercy pard," 

You know this ain't no air ship." 

Try to stay upon the ground. 

If my soul must leave this wicked world 

I want my body to be found." 

The buildings on the avenue, 

To Cal were just a blur; 

Natives thought it a rehearsal 

Of the Chariot in Ben Hur. 

Cal shouted out instructions 

As his hair stood on his head, 

"My God man — just remember 

"Swift can't use me when I'm dead." 



"When it comes to flying wonders, 
I can't see 'em through a sieve. 
And while I want to save the squabs ; 
Don't forget I want to live ;" 
When he landed at the front gate. 
They had to lift Cal down 
And he pleaded with the watchman 
To let him kiss the ground. 

—120— 



Cal says he never rode so fast, 

Since the day that he was born, 

And he hunts a stair way every time 

He hears an auto horn. 

Just ask him how he likes high speed, 

And listen to him roar, 

As he raises up his right hand. 

And solemnly swears, "no more." 

Cal Fairchild is fire chief for Swift and Company. 
The pigeon house caught fire while he was eating 
supper at home one night. 



THE FIGURE EIGHT. 



You kin talk about yer picnics, 

Chautauquas an' the like; 

You kin rave about yer joy rides 

Er yer long cross country hike. 

You kin hev yer derned old ball game 

But I am here to state 

Fer down right pure enjoyment, 

I'll take the Figure Eight. 

Give me the Figure Eight boys, 
With it's pitches an' it's curves; 
Where excitement is excitement 
Where it tests a feller's nerves. 
They talk about their Lover's Lane 
In the City o' St. Joe; 
But I'm a tellin' you uns 
Lover's Lane don't stand no show. 

I was in St. Joe one Sunday 

Jest on a sort o' lark, 

An' I jined the crowd an' grabbed a car 

Fer Lake Contrary Park. 

The Midway was amusin', 

An' I guess I saw it all; 

An' I was interduced there 

To L. F. Ingersoll. 

He's a pleasant little feller 
With a home like, cheerful smile 
He's jest the kind o' feller 
That makes livin' worth the while 
When you see that smile o' hisen 
Some how you kaint feel blue, 
An' I met his secretary 
Miss Anna Bowers — too. 

—121— 



Ingersoll's the manager 

O' Lake Contrary Park, 

An' you kin see that grin o' his 

In the day Hght er the dark. 

I stood around an' watched 'em ride 

That ramblin' Figure Eight, 

An' I felt myself a edgin' 

Over 'tords' the entrance gate. 

I spent a hull one dollar bill. 

An' gee — but it was fun; 

It sets yer nerves to jumpin' 

Jest to stand an' watch 'em run. 

I rode the launches an' Old Mill, 

But I'm here to relate 

The launches, Old Mill, er the Chutes 

Kaint tech the Figure Eight. 

I love to hear the safeties click 

As the cars go up the hill; 

I love to hear folks holler 

When they're feelin' the first thrill. 

The rumble o' the rushin' car 

As it dashes on it's trip. 

An' the shouting o' the riders 

When they hit the big long dip. 

As I was saying' — stranger, 
You kin hev yer Lover's Lane, 
Chop Suey suppers an' them drinks 
That drives a man insane; 
You kin hev yer movin' pictures 
You kin take the hull derned state. 
But I'll take my enjoyment 
On that ramblin' Figure Eight." 



IT WAS NO SECRET. 



J. H. Mogle (mounted officer) 

With tie flowing in the breeze. 
His elbows flopping wildly 

And his trousers to his knees, 
Was galloping his big white horse 

Upon his homeward way 
When he heard the voice of some one. 

As they loudly shouted, "Hey." 

He saw "Tex" Beekman running 

Toward him — out of breath. 
"Tex" had his pistol in his hand. 

His face was white as death. 
"Say, Mogle," Beekman stammered, 

"There's a gun man down the street 
Who is wanted down in Texas 

Where he's known as "Blue Steel Pete." 

—122— 



"I have traced him to a pool hall 

Vd have taken him alone 
But I know his reputation, 

He is game clear to the bone. 
The state of Texas offers 

A reward for his arrest; 
I need a game man with me, 

And I know you've stood the test." 

"Lead me to this cut throat, Beekman, 

I'll show him that I'm dead game; 
It's a dollar to a doughnut 

He will tremble at my name. 
Just wait until I tie my horse — 

And say — put up that gun 
I'll take him single handed 

You stand back and see the fun." 



A Dutchman owned the pool hall. 

And when he saw the pair 
He tip-toed out to meet them. 

As he whispered, "He's in there." 
He pointed to a back room 

As the cops walked boldly in 
A determined look upon each face. 

While the Dutchman wore a grin. 

They closed the door behind them; 

Mogle said, "That guy's my meat." 
Then the cops both paused to listen 

To the voice of "Blue Steel Pete." 
It thundered and vibrated 

As he bellowed, "I'm a bear. 
This tuft you see between my teeth 

Is natural, human hair." 

"I'm a dead shot, pardner — Yes siree, 

And pard, I love to shoot 
At living, human, targets. 

And cops are my long suit. 
I love to shoot, you betcher life, 

And let me tell you this. 
The badge upon a copper 

Is a target I can't miss." 

"I love to hear the dull thud 

Of a body, going down; 
I love to hear blood gurgle 

As it trickles on the ground. 
I ain't got a thing to live for, 

There's a price upon my head 
But when they get me, pardner. 

They will carry me out dead." 

—123— 



"Tex" Beekman looked at Mogle 

And Mogle looked at "Tex" 
As he said, "The man who starts in there 

Sure passes in his checks. 
I've got a lot to live for 

And a man who's got a wife 
Should consider these things, Beekman, 

Before he risks his life." 

Sweat dropped from Beekman's forehead 

And splashed upon the floor. 
As Mogle groped behind him 

For the latch upon the door. 
"What you goin' to do about it?" 

They heard the Dutchman yell. 
"Tex" answered, "That's no secret 

We're goin' to run like h ." 



NO MORE. 



Wm. Bryan as an orator 

Is widely know to fame, 

And as far as "Hard Head" Green's concerned 

He is welcome to the name. 

"Hard Head" made but one attempt, 

But that one time was enough 

To convince him that the road to fame 

As an orator — was rough. 

He was chosen from the "Chelsea" 
To represent the men; 
At the seniority debate, 
And he felt elated — when 
He was chosen as the chairman 
When they gathered at the hall 
For of all the big assembly, 
John was loudest of them all. 

He objected to the honor, 

But they bade him take the chair 

And his cheery smile soon left him 

As he fiddled with his hair. 

He stuttered and he stammered. 

He sputtered and he spit; 

While the ushers ran for water 

Thinking Green would have a fit. 

He wavered as he tried to speak; 
Then he coughed and cleared his throat 
And the audience looked with pity 
As he rumpled up his coat. 
He mumbled incoherently 
With his eyes cast to the floor ; 
But his utterances of wisdom 
Sounded like a dismal snore. 

—124— 



It Is said on good authority 
That Green fed up too fast 
In his haste to find a short rail 
And his pace could never last. 
He peddled for his sand punch, 
As his face turned deathly pale, 
And he knocked his automatic 
On the orotorical rail. 

He would blat and he would bellow 
When he had one man alone, 
But when he faced an audience, 
He talked in an undertone. 
So they mercifully excused him. 
And he beat it for the door 
Midst a shout of cruel laughter, 
As he bellowed out— "No More." 



THE FAMOUS KANSAS TWINS. 



*'Chime" Baker up at 1 house 

Went in to see the chief. 
And "Jack" turned wearily around 

As he asked, "Well, What's your grief?" 
"Chime" stood and fumbled with his cap, 

As he stammered, "It's this way, 
If you will be so kind, Chief, 

I'd like to get off today." 

"Jack,, said, "I'd like to let you go 

But, 'Chime,' it can't be done, 
For with three men on the sick list 

We've just enough to make a run. 
I'd be glad to let you off, 'Chime,' 

If every thing was fit — 
Who can you get to take your place?" 

And 'Chime' answered, 'Joplin Grit.' " 

" 'Jop' can take my place. Chief, 

Now please don't turn me down; 
Why, Chief, this is important, 

Ringling Brothers are in town." 
The chief looked up at Baker, 

"Chime's eyes filled up with tears 
As he said, T havn't missed a street parade' 

In over twenty years." 

The chief finally consented 

And Baker turned to go 
But turned around as McNarrey said, 

"There's one thing I'd like to know — 
Are you going to the circus 

Or out to Midland Park?" 
"Chime" said, "Why, its the circus 

For me — with 'Ugly' Clark." 

-125— 



''Chime" and "Ugly" followed that parade 

From Main street to the grounds 
With their trousers rolled up to their knees, 

And yelping like two hounds. 
Every thing was going lovely 

'Till "Chime" staggered on his pins 
When he overheard a lady say, 

"There goes the Kansas twins." 

"Chime" rushed up to the lady. 

As he said, "Say, on the square. 
You can't be serious when you say. 

I look like that man there. 
I consider that an insult." 

Then "Ugly" butted in, 
And said, "Apologize to me 

If you called me that guy's twin." 

"Ugly" Clark glared at "Chime" Baker 

And "Chime" glared back at Clark 
As he said, "Why say, you bone head, 

T'm the pride of Midland Park.' " 
"Ugly" screamed, "Why you big lobster, 

You have got a lot to do 
To holler at that "skirt's" remark 

That's a compliment to you." 

They cleared their decks for action, 

And rushed in to a clinch, 
Baker saw a cop, and murmured, 

"It's all off. Kid, here's a pinch." 
They were taken to the station ; 

The desk sergeant asked, "What charge?" 
Then sizing up the prisoners 

He wrote "curiosities at large." 

Next morning in the court room 

"Chime" Baker lost all heart 
As the magistrate said, "Tag those men 

So I can tell the two apart." 
"Arch" Clark arose and cleared his throat; 

His eyes filled up with tears; 
As he said, "Judge, if I look like him, 

Give me two thousand years." 

The Judge telephoned McNarrey, 

And said, "Come get your men, 
Now if you don't keep them a part 

They will wind up in the 'pen.' " 
When they landed back at 1 house 

The bunch was wreathed in grins 
As "Jack" changed them on the pay roll 

To "The Famous Kansas Twins." 



—126— 



THE HOLD UP. 



George Miller and his conductor 

Sat in their car one night 

When a stern voice said — "Throw up your hands!" 

George Miller looked at Wright — 

George looked up at the gun barrel 

As he tried in vain to speak, 

While his eye balls left their sockets, 

And hung out on his cheeks. 

'Twas like looking in a tunnel 

W^hen George looked at that gun, 

As he thought of all he'd gladly give 

For one good chance to run — 

He looked pleadingly at Luther Wright, 

And Luther looked at him, 

But the chances for a get-a-way 

To both looked mighty slim. 

George glanced up at the robber, 

Then he looked down at his feet 

As he wondered what his chances were 

To squeeze beneath a seat; 

Cold sweat was trickling down his spine. 

His finger nails turned black, 

As the robber looked at him and said, 

"Line up! You human hack." 

George meekly answered — "Yes, sir," 

As his hands went in the air. 

W^hile the hold up man took his good time 

In "going through" the pair 

He turned to Wright and said, "Good night." 

"Too bad you had to lose." 

George tried to get his hands down, 

And blew a ribbon fuse. 

They started for the West end 

With George upon his stool, 

When a passenger came through the car 

And stepped in the vestibule — 

George's hands at once went skyward; 

He was quaking at the knees 

And he knocked his automatic 

When he heard the passenger sneeze. 

"My God man ! Please don't shoot me." 

The passenger turned in fright; 

He thought poor George had lost his mind. 

And he'd better go tell Wright, 

But Luther saw him coming, 

And let out a deafning yell 

As he made a dash for liberty 

After giving George a bell. 

—127— 



George set the air at emergency 

Then leaped out in the street, 

Bawling loudly for assistance 

To all he chanced to meet — 

The passenger looked astonished 

As he watched the fleeing pair; 

While their cries of '^Murder!" "Help!" "Police" 

Rang out upon the air. 

George Miller found an officer. 

Then came back on the run. 

Followed by two hundred citizens 

Who came to see the fun. 

"Where is the man?" The cop inquired, 

And Miller answered, "There !" 

The officer looked amused and said, 

"Why that man is the Mayor." 

George looked up at the officer 
As he began to wail : 
"Please, mister good, kind officer 
Won't you please take me to jail? 
Put me in behind the iron bars. 
Take me down to jail, for then 
ril know, down there at least, I'm safe, 
'From these here hold up men." 

The policeman looked at George and smiled 

As he said, "Pal, have no fears." 

"You man not meet a stick up man" 

"Again in forty years." 

"In case you still would like to come," 

"I'll find two vacant cells." 

George barred his doors and thanked him 

As Luther gave two bells. 



DE MATINEE SPECIAL. 



Say — talk about yer airships 
An' "heavier dan air" machines; 
Dis hog head Thomas beats de woild 
He's all de poik an beans 
Dawson goes down to de kettle. 
An' says to "Tom" one day, 
"We're runnin' as a special," 
"An' we've got de right o' way." 

Dey has a train load o' ham actors, 

Dat has ter rech K. C. 

Leaving St. Joe at one tirty 

Ter stage a matinee. 

De way old Thomas fanned 'em 

'Ud put air holes in yer hat 

He makes de run, old timer 

In just one hour — flat. 

—128— 



He whistles off an opens up, 

As he pulls out o' de yard 

Wid de 102 agin de bit, 

An' de taller woikin hard. 

When he drops her down tru Agencyford 

Wid de wind as runnin' mate, 

He make de "Katy Flyer" 

Look like a local freight. 

He rambled down tru Gower, 
While de cinders fell like rain, 
An' de natives couldn't tell, kid 
Whether it was a telegram er train. 
As he rushes down tru Gashland 
Hittin de rails Kid — here an dere 
Wid dat bunch o' actors on deir knees 
Offerin' up a prayer. 

Dawson felt himself a slippin' 
He was whiter dan a sheet 
Stinger Jackson cuts de bell cord, 
An' ties himself down in a seat. 
Cotton comes back to de smoker 
Crawlin' on his hands an' knees. 
While de passin' landscape was a blur 
Of telephone poles an' trees. 

Thomas whistles twice for Linden, 

An' de agent wires tru 

Someting passed here like a comet 

Set yer target for 102. 

Timps was woiken like a wild man 

When he hears de hog head yell, 

"Feed it to her" — ''Watch yer steam gauge" 

"She's a dyin sure as he — 1." 

When he whistles fer North Junction, 

Dem ham actors pale wid fright 

Settled furder in de cushions. 

Bit deir lips — an held on tight. 

He pulls into Kansas City 

Wid fourteen boxes hot 

Thomas crawls down from de seat box 

Lookin' fer de taller pot. 

He found him in de coal tank. 
An' his voice was half a whine 
As he raises on one elbow. 
An' asks, "Did we make de time?" 
Thomas pats him on de shoulder. 
As he says, "We sure did, Bo" 
"Turn her over to de hostler" 
"We've got a box seat at de show." 



—129- 



THE REWARD THAT NEVER CAME. 



Captain Fleming at headquarters 

Tacked a notice on the wall 
Where the officers could see it, 

When the came in for roll call. 
A Mexican was wanted 

Who had gone from place to place 
Inciting a rebellion 

'Mongst the members of his race. 

Officers copied his description 

As "Cap" Fleming stroked his chin, 
Saying, ''There's five hundred cash reward 

For the man who brings him in." 
Tom Leen went to the Captain, 

And he said, ''Say, Listen 'Cap,' 
I saw that 'greaser' yesterday 

And I'm going to lay a trap." 

"Catching 'greasers' is dead easy; 

Say, it's like the A. B. C. 
Tell the guy that offered that reward 

To mail the check to me. 
There's a house down on my beat, 'Cap', 

A regular 'greaser' hive. 
I'll go down and get this demon. 

And I'll bring him in alive." 

"Cap" thought a moment then he said, 

"You had better phone La France 
For this man is a bad one. 

And you're taking one long chance." 
Leen said, "I'll get this 'greaser' 

All alone, 'Cap,' have no fears; 
I'll find this guy and drag him 

To the station by the ears." 

With one hand on his revolver 

Tom went out to the street. 
And started for the Mexicans, 

Who lived down on his beat. 
He slipped up in an alley 

Where he could watch the shack, 
As he said, "I'll land this 'greaser' 

Or I never will go back." 

Tom finally saw a "greaser" 

And he slammed him on his spine 
As he said, "Make one move 'greaser,' 

And your worthless life is mine. 
I'd like to gouge your eyes out, 

And it's not because I can't, 
I could whip you to a frazzle 

But the rule book says I shant." 

—130— 



"I have one excuse to kill you, 

And that's if you resist ; 
I'd like to kill a 'greaser' 

With nothing but my fist. 
The guy that said that you were bad 

Is a full fledged, willful liar 
If you get gay I'll hang your pelt 

Up on a trolley wire." 

"If I ever fight a 'greaser' 

And get licked that fight's my last, 

And the flags in Dear Ould Ireland 

Will be flying at half mast. 
Why, I've fought Gangs of Mexicans 

And they finished underneath 
That's a tendon of the last one 

You see dangling from my teeth/' 

"And they say that you're a demon. 

Say, you're nothing but a dub 
And it would be a dirty shame 

To hit you with a club." 
An interpreter came up smiling 

And Tom popped him on the jaw 
When he said, "He savys Mexican, 

But he cannot savy 'chaw.' " 

Tom called up for the wagon 

Then telephoned his wife, 
"I've got my man — now we will have 

The time of all our life." 
Captain Fleming bellowed out at Tom, 

"Say, where'd you get that bunc? 
Why, this is not the man we want 

This is just a common drunk." 



THE FATAL MISTAKE. 



"Jimmy" Cashin (acting short stop) 

Yawned and looked up Packard street 
As he murmured, "I'm sure lucky 

I don't have to walk a beat. 
This is going to be a wild night 

Those clouds are full of rain." 
When Pat Lyons called to "Jimmy" 

He took his chair again. 

In just about a minute 

The rain began to fall 
And the two looked on in silence 

With their chairs against the wall. 
Pat Lyons said, "Say, Jimmy, 

I hate a night like this 
For its usually in such weather 

That something goes amiss." 



"I remember well one evening 

(I was working out of 3) 
When a woman came up screaming, 

'There's a wild man up a tree!' 
He was just a drunken ''dago" 

And I was all alone 
And I hate a — Wait a minute, 

There goes the telephone." 

Lyons hung up the receiver 

As he said, "Ji"^» g^t your club, 
Go down to Lilley's drug store, 

And bring in a rowdy 'dub,' 
I told you we'd be busy 

On this kind of a night ; 
This guy is daring every one 

To come outside and fight." 

A "dago" with a fiddle 

Was out upon a spree ; 
Cashin took him by the collar. 

And led him down to 3. 
The unfinished tale of Lyons 

Filled Jim Cashin with unrest, 
And he murmured, "Well, poor 'dago,' 

Let us both hope for the best." 

Pat Lyons booked the "dago" 

And they put him in a cell. 
Then Lyons 'phoned headquarters, 

"This is 3's and all is well." 
Lyons sat there for an hour 

Without a word to say 
Then he turned to Cashin, saying, 

"Let's make the 'dago' play." 

"Jimmy" brought the drunken "dago" out 

And placed him in a chair 
As Lyons bellowed in his ear, 

"Now, play your national air." 
Then the cops sat down in silence 

With the "dago" in between 
And the "dago" started playing, 

"The Wearin' O' The Green." 



Pat Lyons' face grew ashen 

And Cashin screamed out, "Stop!" 
Then he shouted, "I will match you, Pat, 

To see who kills this "wop." 
Pat Lyons paced the floor awhile 

Then answered, "Well, I will. 
But I'll always believe that Heaven 

Sent him here for me to kill." 

—132— 



"Ever since that drunken 'dago' 

Dared me, Jim, to climb a tree, 
I have had a feeling, some how. 

That some day he'd come to me. 
Fate decreed that I should kill him, 

Look The spalpeen wears green socks, 
We'll shake dice to see who kills him. 

Hurry on ! Hand me the box !" 

Lyons threw out five big aces 

As he said, "You'll have to wait 
For another *dago,' Jimmy, 

This one's mine, by rules of fate." 
Then Pat rubbed his eyes and pointed. 

"Look!" he screamed, "The 'dago's' gone! 
Let's go out and find him, 'Jin^my/ " 

And Cashin said, "You're on." 

"Why, the dirty 'dago' coward, 

He wouldn't even fight. 
It was a swell time for a murder 

And just the kind of night. 
When he heard me yell, 'five aces,' 

The coward made a break 
I should have hollered — duces, Jim, 

I made a sad mistake." 



FRANK STACK'S INVENTION. 



"Tubby Williams down at No. 2 

Was talking to the bunch 
About Frank Stack's queer habits 

For "Tubby" had a hunch. 
That Frank must have a reason 

For keeping out of sight 
And for asking for permission 

To stand watch every night. 

Ben Armstrong said, "I'll tell you 

What you fellows ought to do 
Let one man get Frank's confidence 

And maybe he'll come through." 
"Dennie" Sheehan (Village Parson) 

Was chosen for the place 
And the bunch all left as Frank came in 

With a smile upon his face. 

"Dennie" got right down to business 

And began to question Stack; 
Frank listened for a moment 

Then he said, "Wait, I'll be back." 
He went up to his locker 

And the gang came drifting in 
As Frank held up a package 

And sat down with a grin. 

—133— 



"I'll tell you boys about it 

Though it's not quite perfect yet, 
It is just a small invention 

But I think it's worth a bet." 
The 'Tarson" moved in closer 

As Frank smiled again and said, 
''This is just a tiny silencer 

I made to fit Tim's bed." 



"You know Maxim has a silencer 

That he puts upon a gun 
That kills the sound of the report 

And I've invented one 
That absorbs the sound of snoring 

And I tried it out last night. 
I attached it to Tim Morrissey's bed 

And it sure works out of sight. 

"Why at two o'clock this morning 

I walked outside and say, 
I heard a fellow strike a match 

A half a mile away. 
Why every thing's so quiet 

With this silencer at work 
You can plainly hear Bulgarians 

Chasing h out of the Turks. 

"This invention will work anywhere 

And will deaden any noise ; 
I hope to realize enough 

To be "one of the boys." 
We need two of them badly here. 

One for Tim Morrissey's bed 
And one, a half size larger, 

For 'Noisy's' LesHe's head." 

"It kills all sounds around it 

For a space of half a mile 
And just beyond that distance 

You can hear Finn crack a smile. 
I am working on another 

That will surely be a treat 
I intend to kill the odor 

Of Ben Rhoads' awful feet." 



"I realize this problem 

Will be hard to overcome 
But if I am successful 

It will bring a tidy sum. 
"Bones" Harding told me yesterday, 

Make it, Frank, and end our strife 
And you'll be independent 

For the balance of your life." 

—134- 



Bert Dill dropped in a moment 
And grew interested at once 

He said (looking at the silencer,) 
"I may be a blooming dunce 

But suppose you get a long ring 

How'll you know where you are at? 

Frank's chin dropped as he murmured, 
"H I never thought of that." 



"PICK-UP" LOWE'S REVENGE. 

Jim Lowe was growing restless 

As he strolled along the street. 
The sun beat down upon him 

And the paving burned his feet. 
He longed for one day's pleasure; 

("Pick-up" loves the fishing game), 
And the more he thought of fishing 

The more restless he became. 

At last he 'phoned headquarters 

And got Fleming on the 'phone, 
And told Tom of his longing 

In a pleading, undertone 
He said, "Fm tired and weary 

And I want to go away 
Somewhere, out in the country, 

If it's only for a day." 

"I am longing for the country 

And I want to go somewhere 
Where I can sit and rest, 'Cap,' 

And breath the good, pure air." 
Captain Fleming said, "All right Jim, 

I don't know but what you're right; 
I am sure you need a rest, Jim, 

And you can start tonight." 

Jim dug up his fishing tackle 

And a suit of "don't care" clothes 
And as he worked he wistled, 

"Where the River Shannon Flows." 
He went down to Eudora, 

And he asked a native "hick" 
To show him where to find the road 

That led out to the "crick." 

At five a. m. next morning 

Jim had baited up his line 
And was lounging 'gainst a tree trunk 

As he murmured, "Ain't this fine?" 
He was startled in his reverie 

By a noise up in the brush, 
And was surprised to see a farmer 

Coming toward him in a rush. 

—135— 



The farmer said, "Look here, sir, 

I don't 'low no fishin here; 
You could have read the sign there 

If yer head had been right clear. 
This is private grounds here, stranger. 

And I bar everyone 
That comes here from the city 

With a fishin' pole er gun." 

"Pick Up" made a proposition 

To pay all the costs he'd name 
And to give him all the fish he caught 

"For," he said, "I love the game," 
But the farmer v^as persistent. 

Shouting, "You can't fish a lick; 
^'ack yer traps and leave here. Mister, 

Fer I ov^n the hul durned 'crick.' " 

Pick Up" sadly grabbed his baggage 

And started off for town; 
iit the hedge fence by the roadway 

He set his baggage down 

Pick Up'' then sat down and pondered 

On what course he should pursue, 
x^'or "Pick Up" wanted vengeance 

And was wondering what to do. 

"Shall I let a human whisk broom 

Tell me where I should head in 
s iud not raise my voice in protest. 

Or kick him on his shin? 
?V^ell, I should say I wouldn't 

And this "scissorbill" will know 
. le is dealing with his master 

When he deals with Tick Up' Lowe." 

" Pick Up" trudged back to the station 

And the operator there 
»aw his fishing pole and ventured, 

"Any luck?" Lowe answered, "Fair.'* 
Then Lowe told him of the farmer; 

"Say," he says, "that rube's a hog, 
But I sure got even with him; 

I went back and stole his dog.'' 

The agent looked around him 

And he said : "He's not in sight." 
"No," Lowe said, "I thought it over 

And I thought it was not right, 
Then besides the mongrel bit me." 

The agent softly swore 
As he said, "You got revenge, Kid," 

Then went in and slammed the door. 



—136— 



HAUG WAS JUSTIFIED. 



Wm. Haug, the tailor, contracted to make the 
new two-piece uniforms for the Police Department. 
Officer Charles Lorton weighs over 300 pounds. 
Hence the following: 

Desk Sergeant Captain Snyder 

Went in to see the chief 
Saying, "Haug, the tailor's, out in front 

With an awful lot of grief. 
It's about the two-piece uniforms. 

And he's as mad as sin." 
Chief Gordon thought a moment. 

Then answered, "Show him in." 

Haug rushed into the office 

Shouting, "Say Chief, listen here. 
Change this contract price or I will lose 

My profits for a year. 
Just look at these dimensions 

And tell me what you think. 
Why, I'd rather make a canvass 

To cover Rainbow Rink.'' 

"It's like covering the courthouse ; 

Why, say Chief, do you know 
I'd rather dress an elephant 

For Ringling Brother's show. 
My assistant took the measure 

Of this man while I was gone ; 
If you hold me to this contract. 

All I have will be in pawn." 

"Those are the most astounding measurements 

I've seen in all my day." 
Then Gordon called to Fleming, 

"What does Charlie Lorton weigh?" 
"Tom" Fleming 'phoned to Argentine. 

The reply came back, "Don't know ; 
The last time Charlie Lorton weighed 

Was seven years ago." 

The chief turned to the tailor 

Saying, "Bill, it's up to you. 
A contract is a contract ; 

There is nothing I can do. 
The mayor is the only man 

Who can change this contract, Bill. 
He may make some alterations. 

But I don't believe he will." 

—137— 



Haug reeled out of the office, 
And stumbled up the stair 

To the busy mayor's office, 

Where he sank down in a chair 
Saying, "Mayor, if this contract 

Cannot be changed at all. 
Then I say that you are forcing 

A good firm to the wall." 

"Why, it would take four canvassmen 

A week to stake the ground 
At the city park to cut that suit. 

And not one man could be found. 
Who could cut that suit without a plow. 

And let me state right here 
It would take a good surveyor 

And a civil engineer." 

The mayor answered, Mr. Haug, 

If what you say is true 
I will certainly change this contract, 

And I wish to say to you 
I'll investigate this matter; 

I will start on it tonight. 
Come and see me in the morning; 

I want to do what's right." 

The mayor sent for Lorton 

At the meeting held next day. 
Then informed the Police Departmnet 

That they would have to pay 
The difference in the contract price, 

And what the work was worth." 
Fleming shouted, "That decision 

Is the rankest thing on earth." 

"Tom" shook a trembling finger 

Under Charlie Lorton's nose 
Shouting, "Lorton, in the future, 

Get your own ungainly clothes.'' 
The mayor adjourned the meeting 

Saying, "Boys, I must be shaved;" 
Haug wiped the cold sweat from his brow 

As he softly mumbled, "Saved." 



—138- 



A WAIL FROM PAT HURLEY. 



Pat Hurley left the "L" road barn 

And started to walk south 
An automatic in each hand 

And a *'bowie" in his mouth ; 
He dodged in and out of stairways 

As he slipped along the street, 
A look of murder in his eye 

And gum shoes upon his feet. 

In the shanty down at Riverview 

Pat hid behind the door 
Where he cut a skull and cross bones 

With his bowie, on the floor. 
McCavick peeped in through a crack 

Where Pat had made his stand 
As he asked, "Are you a member 

"Of the murderous black hand? 

Pat hissed back at McCavick, 

"Mind your own affairs now, Bill; 
I am waiting in this shanty 

For a man I want to kill. 
I must kill the Jack O'Diamonds ; 

I will shoot him in the back. 
For he always has me pictured 

With replacers and a jack." 

"Why, Bill, Pve been the laughing stock 

Of the road for all these years ; 
I'm held up and I'm ridiculed, 

The object of their jeers. 
I can sing as good as Newhart, 

I can pitch as good as Brown, 
I can dance as good as Floreke 

Yet he always turns me down." 

"I can fight as fast as Koeffler, 

I could turn Abe Hoshaw back, 
Yet he always has me working 

With replacers and a jack. 
IVe got as nice a shape as Hartzell, 

But he don't show me in tights ; 
Why, that bonehead has me worried 

'Till I lay awake at nights." 

"I will rank as a comedian 

Far above this Shoup or Funk; 
I can take Joe Smith and Swearingen 

And drink them both blind drunk. 
I don't know why he does it, 

But I'll drag him in this shack, 
I'll show him I can work without 

Replacers and a jack." 

—139— 



ALFALFA DUTCH. 



*'Feet' Quinlan, out at 6 house, 

Went upstairs one day last week, 
Where he heard a sound that scared him 

Until he grew pale and weak. 
He called to Tommy Drummy, 

And the two men looked around. 
Searching every nook and corner 

For the unfamiliar sound. 

They were just about to give it up. 

And both men held their breath 
As they heard the greusome rattle 

That denotes approaching death. 
"Feet" hid behind Tom Drummy, 

And the hair stood on his head 
As Drummy said, "That sound comes 

From "Granger" BemoU's bed." 

"My God, Tom, 'phone headquarters; 

Tell McNarrey of the case ; 
Poor old "Dutch" lies there unconscious, 

Staring death right in the face." 
Drummy shook his head and answered 

"Phone McNarrey? No; not much; 
He's beyond the aid of humans; 

It's the coroner for 'Dutch.' " 

They tiptoed down the stairway, 

And Tom said, with a sob, 
"I always DID like Bemoll, 

He was a good man on the job.'' 
"Buck" Buckhalter stood there staring, 

Then he gasped and bared his head. 
As he sobbingly entreated, 

"Don't tell me 'Dutch' is dead." 

"Jimmie" Wall reeled like a drunkard 

As he said, "111 get a shave, 
Then I'll arrange for flowers 

To put upon his grave. 
While I am doing this, Tom, 

You phone Daniels for a hack, 
Then have Blake go get a ladder, 

And we'll drape the house in black." 

While all the bunuch were grieving 

Charlie Prather ambled in, 
With fog rolling from his briar 

And a life sized, healthy grin. 
He sobered up and stood aghast 

As "Feet" sank in a chair, 
Then he threw aside his briar 

And darted for the stair. 

—140- 



He rushed into the bedroom, 

And he looked at "Dutch" awhile, 
Then came back to the mourners, 

And his face broke in a smile 
As he said, "Say, quit yer kiddin,* 

Just forget the crepe and leaves ; 
That Dutchman's only laborin* 

With a plain case of the heaves." 

"Make him wet down his Granger Twist 

Before he takes a chew; 
If he does, he'll be here, Tom, 

When all you guys are through." 
"Dutch" awoke and heard the sobbing, 

And the mourners ceased to weep 
As he bellowed, "Say, you lobsters. 

Can't you let a fellow sleep?'' 

Prather then informed the Dutchman 

Why the bunch were all in tears. 
And Bemoll's only comment was, 

"Why, the chicken hearted steers." 
Drummy said, "Well, in the future 

We will not be led amiss. 
And let us hope The Jack O'Diamonds 

Never hears a word of this." 



BLINK SIMPKINS' WEDDIN', 

Take me to de back shops, Kiddo, 
Jack de weight up off me springs. 

Me head is trobbin, like an air pump 
And dere's lots of udder t'ings 

Dat require prompt attention, 
Fer I've jest been on a cruise 
At de weddin' of "Blink" Simpkins, 
Sailin' on a sea o' booze. 

"Blinkie" sends out his new schedule 

An' a bunch of us reports, 
Say — I've never seen a bunch like dat 

Outside de criminal courts. 
"Blinkie" looks like ready money 

Wid his hill crew on his wing, 

An' all us boomers voted 

She was just de proper t'ing. 

De parson heads in on de house track 

An' he signals fer de spot ; 
"Blink" could see his steam a-slippin' 

So he stopped to take a shot. 
All us boomers — kind o' restless. 

Was uneasy — settin' 'round. 
Just a waitin' fer de high ball 

Fer ter tie our whistles down. 

—141— 



De sky pilot makes de couplin* 
An' tells "Blink" ter test his air, 
Den unloads a lot o' good advice 

On de newly wedded pair. 

We congratulates de new crew 
An' wishes 'em much luck, 

Den "Blink" whispers to de parson, 
"Whistle off, old scout — an' duck." 

De parson reads de target 

An' whistles fer de "main." 
"Draw Bar Dave" was den elected 

Ter run de "riot" train. 
"Flat Wheel Fleming" made a few remarks 

About some special runs 
An hopes de couple's troubles 

Will all be "little ones." 

"Blinkie" den puts on be blower. 

An' he says, " *Bo,' here's a bet — 
While we're coupled up, remember 

We're not mentionin' mile posts — yet." 
Well, we gets our crown sheets blistered. 

Say — we jest ties down de spout 
An' at two a. m. de neighbors 

Has de wrecker ordered out. 

"Gourd Head" Jones slipped an eccentric, 

"Chuck" Nolan left de track, 
"Bunk" Maxwell broke a tank spring 

An' "Coke" Murphy lost his stack, 
"Dopey" Sweeney broke a side rod, 
"Bad Eye" Haley threw two shoes. 

While "Dad" Lindsay pulls in crippled 

Wid a pair o' leaky flues. 

"Gum Shoe" Casey broke an axle, 

"Wild Bill" Carney knocked his fire, 
"Smiler" Fowler pulled a draw head, 

"Happy' Forsythe slipped a tire, 
Johnny Meidroth broke his water glass, 

"Timid" Johnson's throttle stuck, 
Hogan fell an' cut a horse shoe 

In his forehead fer good luck. 

"Draw Bar Dave" heads fer de rip track, 

But he piles up in de ditch. 
Den me an' "Shorty" Williams 
Hits de high line "derail" switch. 
So take me to de back shops, "Bo," 

Fer me valves are out o' line 
An' I hears me stay bolts poppin' ; 

No more weddin' loads fer mine. 



—142- 



DONT CALL FRANK BUEHLER KIDDO. 



You may call Pierpont a pauper, 

Call Carnegie a simp, 

Call Hetty Green a spend thrift 

Or Wm. Taft a shrimp, 

Tell Dillon he can't whip a kid 

Tell Judge Brady he's a jay 

Tell Dave Luke he can't drive a spike 

Call Bill Kane an A. P. A., 

But don't call Buehler Kiddo. 

Tell Roosevelt he's a weakling, 

Call "Wild Cat" Ferns a gink 

Tell Jim Flynn that he's a dead ony, 

Tell Pat Hurley green is pink. 

Tell "Buger Red" or "Two Gun Tom" 

They don't know how to ride 

Then go tell old Jake Beckley 

That he don't know how to slide, 

But don't call Buehler Kiddo. 

Ride a saw buck through Niagra Falls 
Take a high dive from the L 
Then go tell Hughie Kelly 
You wished the Irish were in h — 1, 
Tell Mike Gallavin he has rabbit 
Tell Hen Murray he can't fight 
Then go tell Tommy Tomlinson 
That you'll put out his light, 
But don't call Buehler Kiddo. 

If you don't want your system 

Perforated with cold lead 

If you don't want your nose knocked 'round 

To the back side of your head 

If you don't want to drop your gear pan, 

Or pile up in the ditch 

If you don't want to blow a fuse. 

Or don't want to split your switch 

Don't call Frank Buehler Kiddo. 

Call him Frank or call him Buehler 
He won't object a bit. 
But if you call him Kiddo 
He will put you o'er the pit. 
He will knock your automatic 
And he'll send you to the shop 
He will ramble like a wild man. 
And he'll run the safety stop 
If you call Buehler Kiddo. 



-143— 



De CHAMPION SHIFTER. 



I've been listin' to youse shootin' "Bull'' 

'Bout what yer woik is like, 

But I'll put youse wise to "Gospel" 

Dat'll put youse on de hike. 

Wy when youse gets to goin' 

Youse don't know when to stop 

Yer borders need re-hangin' 

Lower yer drop Kid — lower yer drop. 

Wy you've been woiken' vaudeville 

An' dat is all youse know 

Where a parlor an' a street scene 

Is enough to run a show. 

Youse rave about yer heavy shows, 

An' tink yer all de rage 

De dimmer's on yer fly lights 

Clear yer stage Kid — clear yer stage. 

I handled "props" fer Mansfield, 
An' I've woiked' fer Jenny Lynd ; 
Say — we puts on a storm scene 
Where youse couldn't run de wind. 
I shifted scenes fer Hanlon, 
An' Kid — dis ain't no stall 
Youse couldn't get one-half de "props" 
Inside Convention Hall. 

Youse just woik five men all de time, 
An' tink yer in hard luck 
When we use twenty-seven. Kid 
Ter handle "Old Kaintuck." 
So float up to de dog room, 
An' remember one ting. Kid 
Dat I'm de champeen shifter 
When youse meets me — sky yer lid. 



BIG AUGUST'S SUMMER TRIP. 

August Asplund out at Number 4 

Had planned for many years 
To take a long vacation 

And this spring he gave three cheers 
When he counted up his money 

For he had enough, at last 
And that's going some, for August, 

For the track is always fast. 

He bade the bunch at 4 Good-Bye 

Then started for New York, 
Bob Maher said, "Remember me 

To all me friends in Cork." 
"Big" August smiled good naturedly 

And said, "I will, indeed, 
While Ireland is a swell place. Bob, 

It's no place for a Swede.'' 

—144— 



August lost his head entirely 

When he viewed his native land, 
The King of Sweden met him 

At the liner with a band. 
They held a grand reception 

(You see Sweden has no lid) 
And they introduced "Big" August 

As the "Fire Fighting Kid." 

August loaded up on "Apple Yack;" 

He drank everything in reach 
Then he staggered to the platform 

When the crowd yelled for a speech, 
He responded to their pleading 

And they held on to their seats 
As August told of hardships 

An American fireman meets. 



"One cold, raw night, last winter 

When the fog was mighty thick 
We started for a fire 

And Yumpin Yimminy, it was slick ; 
The horses went to slipping 

As we started down the street 
We had the best team in the town 

But they couldn't keep their feet." 

"The cart was hard to handle 

And it started to swing 'round; 
We coasted two blocks down the hill 

With both the horses down. 
I screamed to Tate' — Unhitch 'em 

And leave 'em where they're at 
Then climb back on the wagon 

And hold on to your hat." 

"I grasped the wagon pole and yelled. 

Hold fast, brave lads, we're off ! 
The wagon turned clear over twice 

When it struck a watering trough. 
But the men stayed with the wagon — 

It's almost beyond belief. 
But we reached the fire away-ahead 

Of 'Blaze' Glass and the chief." 

"Fully fifteen thousand people 

Gathered 'round the seething flames 
To watch we fire fighters 

In the toughest of tough games. 
I heard Art Dudley groaning 

And I heard the mob's retort 
On learning that our ladders 

Were seven feet too short." 

-145- 



"There were four men on the ladders 

And the vast throng cheered my strength 
When I seized and held the ladders 

In my hands, up at arm's length, 
They carried forty people 

From^ the blistering jaws of death. 
My face burned, to a cinder 

But I did not lose a breath." 

One of Sweden's noted diplomats 

Then said, "Aye understand 
Hae bane a fire fighter 

An dae bast von een dae land. 
Aye tank hae bane a liar, 

Aye tank hae purty full, 
Aye tank hae bane dae shampion 

Of dae vurl at shootin' bull." 



RUNNIN' WILD. 



When I hears youse infants gargle 

'Bout de sights dat youse have seen, 
It makes me think yer dippy, 

Yer not big enough ter wean. 
Youse never had a head end 

An' if youse ever left de track 
You'd run so fur it 'ud take six weeks 

Fer youse to hike it back. 

I was woikin on de Frisco, 

Breakin' on behind 
An' we was puUin' drags o' cars 

Dat 'ud make youse lose yer mind. 
When de Baldwin Hog pulls in one town 

We'd be tree stations back 
And it tuk us thirty minutes, kid, 

To take up all de slack. 

We was pullin' into Olathe- 



Yer see dats all down grade ; 
Dats where dey fans 'em, kiddo. 

Where all de time is made. 
I was strolling' 'long he runnin' board 

As down de line we flew 
When I gets 'bout seventeen carlengths out 

I finds we'd broke in two. 

I couldn't see de head end, 

Dey had got clean out o' sight. 
I mighta signaled dere ten years 

Dey'd never seen me light. 
We had orders ter meet 408; 

'Twas a tousand 'gainst a beer 
Dat we was all dead Indians 

If we wasn't in de clear. 

—146— 



We was two miles from de sidin' 

When I nearly lost me nerve 
Fer I sees de light of her fire box 

Around de nearest curve. 
I sets a brake and den climbs down 

To beat her to de switch — 
I knows dat if I didn't 

We would all be in de ditch. 

I runs ahead an' trows de switch, 

Den runs ahead ter flag ; 
I saw de skipper runnin' 

Like a race horse o'er de drag. 
He lets off de brake dat I had set 

And hollers true his mitt, 
''Don't try ter flag — just watch dat switch." 

I tot he'd trow a fit. 

Dere was four more cars upon de main 

When she swings 'round de cliff ; 
I could see de skipper turnin' 

De color of a stiff. 
I trows de switch an' she sings by — 

She didn't clear a yard. 
I runs and grabs our hind end 

Wid me blower woiken hard. 

De skipper runs ahead and lets 

Our drag out on de main ; 
I holds her down, he trows de switch 

An' climbs on board again. 
We runs dat way a hundred miles — 

Makes twenty sidens — den 
We catches up to our head end 

An' couples up again. 

We didn't stop fer orders 

An' many an agent cussed 
When we passed 'em like a telegrahm ; 

Dey couldn't see us true de dust. 
Dey gives orders fer ter pull us off 

De minute date we lit 
Dey has us on de carpet 

An' gives us tirty days — we quit. 



PICK UP'S DISAPPOINTMENT. 

"Pick Up" Lowe left police headquarters 

With a scowl upon his face — 
A morning paper in his hand 

Mumbling, "I wish I had the place 
Of General Frederick Funston ; 

If I had his chance you bet 
I'd have this guy Huerta's goat 

Before one sun had set." 

-147- 



"Jim" grabbed a passing street car — 

The conductor smiled and spoke ; 
"Jim" growled, "If I should try to smile 

Why man alive I' choke. 
I'm that mad at Bill Bryan 

And his way of doin' things 
That I'm yellin' for an Irishman 

To pull the Navy strings." 

"Say, I could take ten tarriers 

And trim those heathens quick 
And the job would be as easy 

As shoulderin' a pick. 
It would be a little pastime 

For a bunch of old time micks 
To run those spalpeens in the Gulf 

With a load of pavin' bricks." 

"Jim" left the car at Riverview 

To change for Argentine ; 
While waiting for a car he met 

His pal and friend, "Tom" Leen. 
The two began discussing 

The war in Mexico. 
"Tom" Leen said, "There is one place, *Jim,' 

I sure would like to go." 

"Here they're havin' all this trouble 

And makin' all this fuss — 
Why, they haven't got a regiment 

That could lick the two of us ; 
I'd like to tangle with them guys — 

Why man, 'twould be a treat." 
"Pick Up" answered, "There's a gang o' them 

Workin' on my beat." 

"Tom" said, "I'm goin' with you, *Jin^/ 

Why, man, 'twill be a lark — 
We'll make that gang salute the flag 

Till they'd know it in the dark. 
And, say, I have an Irish flag ; 

We'll take that to Argentine, 
Then we'll make the whole gang help us 

Sing 'The Wearin' o' the Green. 



J )i 



"Tom" and "Jim" were feeling happy; 

"Jim" said, "Things look mighty bright 
For a mornin's entertainment 

In a good old knock-down fight." 
The passengers aboard the car 

Laughed with the happy pair. 
Suddenly "Tom" Leen jumped up, screaming, 

"My God' 7im !, Look out there !" 

—148— 



A big, broad shouldered fellow 

Was standing in the road, 
A big sombrero on his head. 

"Jim" shouted, "Let's unload." 
"Jim" Lowe held up Old Glory, 

"Tom" waved his flag on high 
As he yelled, "Salute the two o'them 

Or bid yer friends good-bye.'' 

The big man yawned and slowly turned 

To size up Lowe and Leen; 
Their flags fell and they stood aghast, 

He was smoking a dudeen. 
"Jim" Lowe was first to find his voice, 

And he stammered, "What's your game?' 
"O, I'm savin' Funston trouble — 

O'Reilly is my name." 

Then they told him their intentions 

And he said, "Boys, you're too late, 
I've only found two that would fight 

An' I chased 'em from the state." 
Then he took his hat off, saying, 

"Do you see this hat, me boy? 
That's a Mexican sombrero; 

That, my friends, is my decoy." 



A BASEBALL GAME IN RHYME. 



The Jack O' Diamonds Tells of a Contest on the 

Diamond Between the ^T" Road Boys 

and the West Side Line. 

The line-up, in batting order : 

"L Road" "West Side" 

Swearingen 2b Patterson 

Barnard cf ..Lynn 

Boge Jones rf Trembly 

Joe Smith ss Laird 

John Griffin lb Kane 

Floreke 3b Carmody 

Tomlinson If Kelly 

Steinbeck c Newhart 

McClellan c Dean 

"3-Fingered" Brown p Bill Smith 

Swanson p Charles Brown 

Utilities — Fisher, Wittcraft ; Ochele, Kauf fman. 
Umpires — In charge, Runner ; on bases. Decker. 
Inspectors — At first base, George Rick ; at 
third base, Wm. McCavick. 

—14^- 



The bunch around the "L Road" barn 

Had the baseball fever bad; 
Ed Hawkins said he had a team 

That would make the "Blues" look sad ; 
George Kennedy, of the ''Jackson," 

Sent a challenge by John Moats, 
Telling Hawkins he would pick a team 

To play the West Side ''Goats." 

Kennedy wouldn't tell his line-up. 

But he promised a surprise ; 
"Just wait," he said, "until the game, 

I'll open up your eyes." 
When asked who'd do his pitching 

He whispered, glancing 'round, 
"Now keep this in your bonnet, 

I'll work 'Three-Fingered' Brown." 

Pat Hurley had replacers 

And one hydraulic jack 
To use in case they split a switch 

Or someone jumped the track. 
They gathered out at Chelsea, 

Both teams were looking "right ;" 
You could tell by their expressions 

It would be a bitter fight. 

The "Goats" went out for practice, 

Then the "L Roads" took their turn ; 
It was hard to pick a winner. 

Both of them had speed to burn. 
Ed Hawkins and George Kennedy 

Both swore they'd "take the flag." 
Steve Johnson carried water 

And Dave Luke went back to "shag." 

Runner then announced the batteries 

And the crowd sent up a shout 
As the "Goats" put on their sweaters 

And the "L Roads" trotted out. 
A fight was started at the gate 

And above the awful din 
Brody's voice screamed, "I gave them their suits," 

"I WON'T pay to get in." 

Frank Brown walked Billy Patterson, 

Then Harry Lynn struck out. 
Trembly made a long hit out to "short," 

Almost a Ty Cobb clout. 
Steinbeck tried to throw to second, 

But he hit Laird, at the bat 
Patterson tried his famous slide 

And they had to send for Pat. 

—150- 



George Rick then cautioned Carmody 

To run a little slow ; 
He said, "The travel's heavy 

And the rail is bad, you know." 
The "Goats" made twenty-seven runs 

Before they were retired. 
George Kennedy gave Frank Brown three bells 

And said, "Young man, you're fired." 

The "L's" were running bases 

In a way to take your breath, 
The crowd was yelling, "Take Smith out 

Or they'll run themselves to death." 
A "lay out" on the base line 

Brought this report from "Mack," 
"Boge Jones has dropped a gear pan, 

And McClellan's off the track." 

John Swanson walked the first ten men, 

Then Newhart got a hit. 
Ed Hawkins turned a hand-spring, 

George Kennedy had a fit. 
George Green used forty "sleet wheels" 

As the "Goats" burned up the route, 
Then Swanson turned to Kennedy 

And said, "The power's out." 

When the game was called at darkness 

In the last half of the "third," 
They had eighty-seven runs apiece, 

Then a deplorable thing occurred. 
Decker gave his "register reading," 

Runner said it wasn't right, 
Then Hawkins and George Kennedy 

Took off their coats to fight. 

Ten ambulances lined up 

And the crowd began to scoff 
As the Red Cross took the players 

As fast as they "signed off." 
George Crane went through the "trouble sheets/' 

Then he ordered, "No more ball." 
The Red Cross sent in this report, 

"Men still living— but that's all." 



GITTIN' TRU DE SOUT'. 

I've been listenin' to youse poppin' off, 

And de tales dat youse relate 
Ud give a guy de brain fag ; 

Sure youse never left de state. 
I was trav'lin' tru de country, 

Ter find a cure fer gout 
An' I didn't have much trouble 

Till I got down in de Sout'. 

—151— 



Wy on de square de connies dere 

Wouldn't carry de photograph 
Of deir mudder, an' a trav'Hn' card 

Just made dem huggers laugh ; 
I had hiked it fer 'bout tirty miles, 

Youse kin bet dat I was sore, 
I says, "If ever I gits out 

I'll see de Sout' no more." 

Now while I had a piece o' coin 

I wasn't lousy wid de scrip, 
An' I had just one clean collar 

An' a hand-out in me grip ; 
I crawls on board a passenger. 

Determined fer ter ride. 
An' if I couldn't make it 

Ter get some connie's hide. 

I sets down on de cushions, 

An' say, kid, dey feels good, 
'Twas de foist time dat I rested 

Since I struck dat neck o' woods ; 
De clickin' of de buzzin' wheels 

Near made me close me lamps, 
De gazabe wot wrote "De Sunny Sout'," 

Was never on de tramp. 

I was settin' in de head end 

Of de coach a lookin' out, 
Takin' in de scenery 

As we spun along de route ; 
When I sees de connie comin' 

As we pulled out of de yard ; 
I felt meself a slippin' 

When I digs down fer me card. 

He was a small, gray whiskered blokie, 

An' he wore a pleasant smile — 
I says, "Wy dis is pickins', 

I'll leave dis place in style." 
He says ter me, "Good mornin'," 

I says, "De same ter you," 
Den I tossed him me credentials 

An' he slowly read 'em tru. 

He says, "Ah, yer a railroad man. 

Now I'm mighty glad of dat," 
An' I felt just like an Indian chief 

Wid a f edder in me hat ; 
He says, "Are youse a good one?'' 

"Wy," I says, "I can't be beat." 
Den I nestles in de corner 

Of dat cozy, cushioned seat. 

—152— 



Den he says, "Now Vm so glad o' dat, 

Dat I really can't explain, 
Fer youse know how ter git off all right 

An' I won't have ter stop de train." 
Wid all me spavins an' sore feet 

Fer about two hundred yards 
I ploughed up all de ballest 

An' tore down de cattle guards. 

I takes me card an' pins it up 

Again a pole an' drew 
De skull an' cross bones on it, 

Den I nails it wid a chew. 
Dis Suddern hospitality 

Is nuttin' but a sham 
Dere's one t'ing takes youse tru de Sout', 

Dat's the coin o' Uncle Sam. 



AARON'S VISITOR. 



Aaron Smith at number 9 house, 

Pacing to and fro. 
Found the time along 'bout midnight 

Was going mighty slow. 
He had never felt so lonesome 

In all his life before ; 
He was feeling cold and creepy, 

When someone tried the door. 

He peered out in the darkness 

And a voice said, "Let me in." 
The speaker was a stranger. 

About six feet tall — and thin. 
His face looked like a tombstone, 

He wore a slouch hat on his head ; 
Aaron softly mumbled to himself, 

"A message from the dead." 

The stranger came in coughing 

And Aaron said, "Sit down ; 
Your face is not familiar. 

Stranger here in town?" 
"Well, yes, I am a stranger 

In Kansas City, lad. 
But in great New York's Four Hundred 

I'm a fad. Pal — I'm a fad." 

"I remember well one night, Pal, 

About two years ago, 
I was strolling along Broadway 

In thirty feet of snow. 
I bumped into a fellow 

And I says to him, * 'Scuse me,' 
Then I recognized my college chum, 

Old Andrew Carnegie.'' 

—153— 



" 'Well,' I sings out, 'Howdy, Andy, 

How's the old scout feel tonight?' 
And he says, 'Why, hello, "Dopey," 

I'm a fellin' out o' sight.' 
We chews the rag a minute, 

And Andy says, 'Say, Bo, 
I feel like playin' poker. 

Let's drop in to see "Dutch Joe." ' 

"W^e drifts into 'the Dutchman's' 

And orders a cigar. 
When we spies our old friend, Vanderbilt, 

Standin' at the bar. 
I says, 'Why, hello, "Reggie",' 

And he takes me by the fin ; 
I says, 'We're goin' to have a game, 

Come on "Van," and sit in.' 



"The blue sky was the limit, 

And old Andy was half shot. 
He bet two hundred libraries 

When he opened up the pot. 
Van looked at Andy, then at me. 

Draws two to fill his hand. 
Then raised the bet four sections 

Of California land." 

" 'Well,' I bellers out, 'you pikers, 

You ain't got a thing on me, 
I'm stayin,' an' I'm bettin' 

The statue of Liberty.' 
When it comes to a show-down 

Them pikers was all in. 
I lays down five big aces. 

And Andy says, 'You win.' " 

"Van says, 'Well, boys, my private car 

Leaves on the midnight train.' 
Then he hollers to the barkeep, 

'Roll in a barrel of champagne.' 
We has a litle drink around — 

Andy says, 'What shall we do?' 
I says, 'I'm not particular. 

Old scout, that's up to you.' 

"Van says, 'Well, good night, fellers.' 

Old Andy scratched his head. 
Then strolled up to the Helping Hand, 

Had a drink and went to bed. 
Ho — hum — I must be going; 

I'm glad I met you. Pal, 
And tomorrow I will give you 

The Panama Canal." 

—154-^ 



Aaron whistled softly, 

As he closed and locked the door, 
Then picked up a piece of paper 

That was lying on the floor. 
"Ah !" he mumbled softly to himself, 

"Perhaps this will explain." 
Then smiled and said, 'T thought so." 

The label read, "COCAINE." 



A CASE FOR THE WATER BOARD. 

L. D. Dolph, the "Big Kid" copper. 

Wore a worried anxious look 
As he scanned a breif notation 

Taken from his pocketbook. 
They had phoned him from headquarters 

Of some trouble on his beat, 
But there was no such number 

Or such person on that street. 

He phoned to Captain Fleming, 

And "Tom" said, "That sure is queer, 
But that's the name and number 

They gave the sergeant here ; 
Perhaps they'll call us up again — 

If they do I'll let you know. 
And until you hear from me, Dolph, 

Just let the matter go." 

The 'Big Kid' strolled about a while. 

Still thinking of the call ; 
Then "Tom" Fleming phoned him, saying, 

"Find that trouble"— that was all. 
Dolph slammed up the receiver 

As he muttered, "On the square. 
The judgment that some people use 

Would make Dunlavey swear." 

"Here's a guy up in an office 

In a big, upholstered chair, 
Who doesn't do a thing all day 

But peddle out hot air. 
It sure is soft for some guys, 

It must be great to have a pull. 
And lie back in an easy chair. 

Smoke cigars and 'shoot the bull.' 

After voicing his opinions 

(To himself), he heaved a sigh. 
And when he started out again. 

There was murder in his eye. 
He clenched his fist, and muttered — 

"Well, if I must, I must ; 
If there's any trouble on my beat, 

I'll find it or I'll bust." 

—155— 



He walked back to the corner 

(Where headquarters said to go), 
Saying, "This is Hke a graveyard ; 

There's no trouble here, I know," 
He stood there meditating. 

Then he heard a muffled yell 
That came up from a vacant lot, 

From an old, abandoned well. 

He rushed up to the well curb, 

Then shouted out, Hello-o-o," 
And was startled when he heard a voice 

From the blackness — far below ; 
"Help ! Help ! Go get a ladder ; 

I am down here in a well." 
Dolph listened, then he murmured, 

"Well, say— don't that beat h— 11?" 

Then taking out his notebook. 

He screamed, "Say, what's your name? 
Where do you live? Where do you work? 

And, say — whom do you blame 
For leaving this well open? 

What's that? You say to stop, 
This questioning and foolishness ! 

Why, say, man — I'm a cop." 

"There's a man up at headquarters 

Who will tell me what to do ; 
Understand, I take no orders 

From a bone-head 'Mutt like you ; 
Just remember. Kid that ONE man 

Ain't allowed to run THIS town. 
If you refuse to answer me, 

I'll go way and let you drown." 

"Now you'rcy/talking like a white man. 

You say your name is Black? 
All right. Old Kid, I 'got cha,' 

Hold on tight 'til I get back." 
He returned in thirty minutes 

And called, "You down there yet? 
Say — when it comes to stayers. 

You are sure the one best bet." 

"Say — I tried to get headquarters 
But the line is busy, 'Bo,' 

And I've got to make a point now. 

So I guess I'd better go. 

Come to think of it — Old Timer, 
Your head is like a gourd ; 

Your case ain't in my line at all- 
Notify the water board." 



—156— 



AN ECHO FROM THE SALE. 



(At the time the double platoon of city firemen 
was made a certainty The Press published an article 
by the Jack O' Diamonds entitled the 12-Hour clear- 
ance sale wherein all single men were sold at public 
auction.) 

Chief McNarrey paced his office 

With his hands behind his back, 
'Burt' Dill stuck his head in saying, 

"Swingley's here to se you, "Jack." 
McNarrey shook his head and answered 

Tell him I must be alone 
Let him call again tomorrow 

I have troubles of my own." 

'Jack' at last became exhausted 

And sank down in a chair, 
Where he mumbled incoherently 

With his fingers in his hair. 
"I thought last summer's clearance sale 

Where we sold the single men 
Had settled that one question 

But I'll have to^ guess again." 

"The girl who bought 'Chime' Baker 

Says that Baker is too thin 
He has a surly disposition 

And too prominent a chin. 
She called me up this morning 

Saying — I don't want that 'dub' 
Take the ten bucks Chief and send it 

To the raggedy sljocking club." 

"The dame that paid for 'Ugly' Clark 

Is bawling like a calf 
She claims she bid a dollar 

And he isn't worth a half. 
She swears that both his feet are lefts 

And she claims he has webbed toes 
She says he's far too giddy 

And she doen't like his nose." 

"The girl who bought 'June' Marshall 

Says she yearns to be a wife 
But she's afraid that 'June' has seen 

Too much of bachelor life. 
She writes — Chief I'm a gambler 

All I want's an even break 
But I refuse to take a chance 
With life's happiness at stake." 

—157— 



The girl who bought McCauley 

Left here just a while ago. 
She said — just keep the quarter 

But that geezer is too slow. 
My mind's made up McNarrey 

Will I take him ? no — not much 
Say — life's too short, old timer 

To hook up with a crutch.' 

"Then the girl who bought Joe Simpson 

Says her work's been very slack 
She is shy on coin for Christmas 

And she wants her money back 
She says while Joe has pretty hair 

These chauffeurs are a breed 
Who care too little for a wife 

And care too much for speed." 

Of all the men sold at the sale 

We have just delivered two 
If things keep up at this rate 

I don't know what we'll do. 
The girl who bought Roy Broadhurst 

Called for him two months ago 
And Art Dudley's girl has called for him, 

But the rest seem mighty slow." 

"Buger" vSayers is still confident 

That he is one that's sold 
And he hopes to be delivered 

Before it turns off cold. 
I can't understand these women, 

They've no just cause for complaint 
They knew they bid on firemen 

Still — they expect a saint." 

'T can face a raging fire 

Without taking off my coat, 
But this thing of handling women 

Has certainly got my goat. 
I am down and out this time kid 
And I'm calling for relief, 

Satisfying bargain hunters 
Is grief Pal — plain old grief." 



CENTRAL AVENUE TIME. 

When the Metropolitan railway 

Shortened schedules this spring. 
The folks on Central Avenue 

Said 'twas just the proper thing. 
The cars go by their doors so fast 

They cannot see the crew, 
That line's known as the "race track" 

On Central Avenue. 

—158— 



A man from Oklahoma 

Who dropped in to see the town 
Left the car at Chelsea Junction 

To take a look around. 
It was close to noon, and as he looked 

Toward the Avenue, 
He saw, coming his direction 

Two streaks of navy blue. 

As the streaks flashed by the stranger 

He gasped and turned around 
As he said, "Whatever that thing is 

It sure gets over ground." 
A street car man saw his surprise 

And said, "That flash of blue 
Was Charlie Snyder and Charlie Pegg 

From Central Avenue." 



"They are on their way to dinner 

While it may seem strange to you 
That's the average speed for street car men 

From Central Avenue. 
You see their schedule's so short 

They run like they're insane ; 
They rush from end to end all day, 

And the speed affects their brain." 

"Why nearly all those fellows 

Are so nervous they can't talk, 
And everywhere they go — they run ; 

They've forgotten how to walk. 
They rush about their business 

With a time piece in their hand 
A pair of spiked soled running shoes 

And a pocket full of sand." 

"They hang their uniforms on hooks 

Before they go to bed, 
Like the harness in an engine house, 

And a big gong near their head 
Sounds the alarm — they make a leap 

And dash upon their way. 
They eat breakfast from a nosebag, 

And they do this every day." 

"People talk about the Flyer 

On the Katy System — say. 
The Central Avenue schedule 

Makes it loom up like a dray. 
From the west end east to Riverview, 

They make in nothing flat ; 
That's rambling, but the real speed 

Don't begin 'till after that." 

-159- 



"Hereford and Noble, 

Started north the other day, 
On their daily dash to dinner 

When a wagon blocked their way, 
It was longer than a hay rack 

And was loaded with case beer; 
So these men ran in a circle, 

Until the road was clear." 

"It was just the other morning. 

They found the power dead ; 
Every crew on the division 

Started for the car ahead. 
The speed these fellows make afoot 

Would make a race horse climb 
They just naturally have to travel, 

If they hope to make the time." 

The man from Oklahoma 

Said, "I thought I'd take a job, 
On a street car, but I'll tell you 

I will soak this chain and fob. 
And start back to Oklahoma, 

For this going is too rough. 

Here comes two more blue streaks, pardner 
Good bye. Pal — I've seen enough." 



-160- 



"WHEN I GO BACK TO FLAG." 



"If I were not good natured," said a "hind man" 

"Flat Wheel Jim," 
There's a monkey in this business I would surely 

have to trim ; 
For no matter what I'm doing, he will call me off 
the drag, 

And bawl out like an Indian, 

Flat Wheel, go back and flag. 

You would think that all the lions in the zoo had 

been turned loose, 
Or that a big eight wheeler would get into our 

caboose ; 
When we are hitting high spots you would think 
he had a jag. 

When he throws down all his way bills. 
Flat Wheel, get down your flag. 

That order comes so often I can hear it in my 

sleep, 
And my wife thinks I've gone crazy for around the 

room I creep ; 
Jump up and down upon the bed 'till it begins to 
sag, 

She says, "wake up," I say, "shut up," 
For I've come back to flag. 

If in that far off better world, if a better world 

there be, 
I don't hear that famaliar voice, I'll say "this can't 

be me ;" 
I will startle all the angels when I start out with 
my rag. 

Midst the music and the singing. 
When I go back to flag. 



FASHION PLATE CONROY. 

Jim Conroy of No. 3 house 

Whistled as he packed a grip. 
He was happily looking forward 

To his yearly hunting trip. 
He oiled his automatic, 

With a twinkle in his eye 
Then sauntered back to 3 house 

To bid the bunch good-bye. 

With good wishes of his old pals 

Still ringing in his ears 
He caught a train for Red Hook, 

A town he'd not seen for years. 
He unloaded at the station 

And started up the street, 
Smiling pleasantly and nodding 

To everyone he'd meet. 

— 161-. 



The hotel clerk told "Fashion Plate" 

A safe had just been blown, 
At Cob Town, fourteen miles away, 

And he told in undertone 
Of how all Red Hook natives 

Watched all strangers in the town — 
Jim said, "That's only natural," 

Then he took a stroll around. 

He walked up to the general store 

To get some Granger Twist ; 
An inquisitive Red Hook native 

Soon had Jim on his list. 
Jim soon became uneasy 

And his smile changed to a frown 
As he sauntered back to the hotel. 

Drug a chair out and sat down. 

A human "whisk broom" followed Jim ; 

Went in and got a chair, 
Saying (as he settled down by Jim) 

*T shore enjoy fresh air." 
Then he asked a thousand questions 

In a rapid fire way. 
This "rube" would make Jerome or Thaw 

Look like a blooming jay. 

Jim looked at him through narrowed eyes 

And listened with respect. 
Remembering the hotel clerk 

Told him what he must expect. 
When the "whisk broom" finally finished 

Jim said, "I've seen some 'hicks,' 
But you're the freshest scissor-bill 

That ever left the sticks." 



"What you know about diplomacy, 

You corn fed village tramp. 
Could be written with a lather brush 

On a two-cent postage stamp. 
One idea in the noodle 

Of you corn fed scissor-bills 
Would rattle like a buckshot 

In a tincup with the chills." 

"I know nothing of safe-blowing, 

You ancient Hackensack, 
And I'm as foreign to that game 

As a clean shirt to your back ; 
I'm a total stranger, hick, to crime, 

And here's a cinch for true, 
A cell would look as strange to me 

As a bath tub would to you." 

—162— 



"Let me tell you something further, 

You sod bustin' scissor-bill, 
Your 'lingo' and your 'make-up' 

Would go big in vaudeville ; 
Why, say, the Orpheum circuit 

Has searched this country through 
With fine tooth combs and searchlights 

Looking for such jokes as you." 

"I'm from Kansas City, Kansas, 

From rare old Irish stock ; 
Why, I'm a hero, 'Rube,' by trade. 

And get this in your 'block,' 
When I stroll down the thoroughfare 

The ladies say, 'Some boy.' 
Just remember, you have interviewed 

Fashion Plate Conroy." 



HE MADE HER SAY ENOUGH. 

A bunch of idle railroad men 

Were talking of the past. 
When fifty miles an hour 

Was considered very fast. 
They told of many incidents 

Happening on the Santa Fe — 
That's before the big block system 

Lined a rock bed right o' way. 

£d Hughes, an old-time "tallow pot," 

Said, "Boys, you've had your say, 
But I'll tell one on 'Jack' Gallagher, 

Who's a hog head here today. 
This was years ago, when Gallagher 

First pulled the 'varnished cars.' 
We were marked up for a special 

With a load of opera stars.'' 

" 'Old Jack' was shy on romance 

And long on common sense 
And when he saw the blackboard 

His face grew drawn and tense. 
He told me on the quiet 

He would rather pull a freight. 
For to pull a bunch of actors 

Meant trouble, sure as fate." 

"I laughed at 'Jack' and jollied him 

That night before the bunch, 
But 'Jack' was serious through it all. 

Somehow he had a hunch 
That trouble lay ahead for us. 

He said, 'Don't try to buck 
Against the wheel of fate, Ed, 

For it only spells bad luck.' " 

—163— 



"We were waiting at the depot, 

*Jack' was down there oiling 'round 
And we had a steamer, fellows. 

That could sure get over ground. 
Just before we got the 'high ball' 

The conductor came ahead 
With a lady and a letter. 

Walking up to 'Jack,' he said" 

" 'Mr. Gallagher, meet Miss Tracy, 

The star of all the troupe. 
She wants to ride the engine, 

Here's a letter from the "supe." ' 
'Jack' nodded to Miss Tracy, 

Then read the letter through. 
He turned and said, "The cab is rough, 

And the ride is up to you.' " 

"Jack" was trying hard to scare her, 

But she didn't fall for that ; 

She said she came ahead to ride. 

And believe me she stood pat. 

"Jack" helped her in the gangway 

And pointed to his seat. 

As she said, "Thanks, Mr. Gallagher, 

This ride will be a treat." 

"Jack" nudged me and climbed down again; 

I followed "Jack'' on down ; 

He looked back toward the depot 

And hurriedly glancing 'round 

He whispered, "Listen, Eddie, 

That lady wants a ride. 

She has a mania for speed 

And she'll get it — durn my hide." 

"Just then I took the high ball 
And I called out, 'All right, "Jack." ' 
He reached up for the throttle 
Without once looking back. 
I heard him tell the lady, 
'You will find things pretty rough, 
And it's up to you to tell me 
When you have had enough.' " 

"He fanned 'em out through Argentine 

With one eye upon the gauge ; 

Every time I eased up on her 

'Old Jack' flew in a rage. 

He yelled, stay with her, Eddie, 

Just let her reel and pitch ; 

I'll make that actress say enough 

Or we'll pile up in the ditch." 

—164— 



"I thought she'd never whimper, 

Yea Bo, but she was game. 

I felt like 'J^^k', but on the square, 

It's risky just the same. 

We rambled down Olathe hill 

Where the track was pretty rough. 

When I heard the lady screaming, 

'Engineer, I've had enough.' " 

The "con" came up at Ottawa 

A little out o' breath 

And yelled, "Say, what you doin' 

Runnin' a race with death?" 

"Old Jack" just smiled and answered, 

"I've handled you folks rough 

But I'll be easy from here on, 

For I've made her say enough." 



Dec. 12th, 1912. 

Mr. Henry Glass, 

Shofeer to Chief McNarrey, snipe hunter, badger 
expert and salve artist supreme of the famous fire 
fighting colony known the world over as The Fear- 
less No. I's, I am in receipt of a letter from Kansas 
City, Kans., under date of Dec. 10th and signed by 
the Hon. Robert Bowman, sixth assistant captain 
at Number 5 house in which he candidly and 
rather boastfully claims the honorable distinction 
of having defeated you decisively at checkers, 
chess, dominoes and mumble peg. This news, if 
true, is a sad blow to one of your position, both in 
society and the world of sport. While I sincerely 
hope I have misinterpreted Mr. Bowman's flatter- 
ing statement of his seemingly unexcelled ability 
as an exponent of the difficult art of manipulating 
the checkers, etc., I am afraid there is at least a 
small element of Gospel truth in his assertion that, 
as a competitor for national honor and recognition 
at the games mentioned you are a sad and dismal 
failure. This is indeed sad, sad news to be heralded 
broadcast and will beyond all doubt prove the 
prominent and all absorbing topic of the world's 
famous clubrooms and exclusive circles where you 
have reigned supreme as an idol for years. I has- 
ten to assure you that I am grieved beyond de- 
scription to learn of your downfall, but there is at 
least a world of consolation in the fact that you 
lost your coveted reputation to so worthy an op- 
ponent as the Hon. Robert Bowman. There is no 
doubt in my mind that the news will be a telling 
blow to Mr. Herbert Dill, for "Bert," as we call 
him on the golf links, was a firm believer in your 
abilities in everything from impersouating an of- 

—165— 



ficer to holding a snipe sack. I have heard Mr. 
Dill shout his views along these lines in public of- 
tener than I have seen Tubby Williams walk a 
tight rope. Bert never lost an opportunity to my 
knowledge to tell anybody who was willing to lis- 
ten to him what he thought of you. I am sending 
in this mail to the Cleveland Gut and the sporting 
editor of the Christian Advocate, your photo with 
a "no skid" rubber tire for a frame, forty barrels 
of varnish for a background and a checker in one 
hand, a domino in the other, a sack underneath the 
photo, a bull on one side of the photo and the stock 
yards on the other, a badger, crouching to spring, 
on top of the tire and this inscription underneath 
in four-inch, red, letters : "Defeated by the Black 
Hand." I shall be more than pleased to call upon 
you at the engine house the latter part of next 
month and will take up the matter of replacing you 
upon the pedestal of popularity once more. With 
sincere regards to Mr. Channing Baker and once 
more assuring you of my personal interest in your 
ultimate success, I beg to remain, your humble and 
obedient servant ISY RIGHT. 

P. S. — ^As a personal favor to an ardent admirer 
do not commit suicide until I have the necessary 
capital to invest in a black suit of clothing. Kindly 
tender my kindest regards to Mr. McNarrey. 



THE WATSON BRAND OF "BULL." 

Harry Watson, out at number eight 

(Head salve artist for that crew) 
Is the best single handed "artist" 

The department ever knew. 
He throws more "bull' than any man 

I've met in many years; 
His hide's so full of "Durham" 

That it oozes from his ears. 

He was talking to a motorman 

Upon the Tenth Street line, 
And when "Greasy" started talking 

The motorman changed the sign. 
It was pure misrepresentation 

And a case of stacking cards 
To let the sign read "Tenth Street," 

So he made it read "Stock Yards." 

"Greasy" said, "I've got a scheme. Kid, 

That will make them stop and look, 
I'm the sole originator. 

And just put this in your book. 
There is nothing in the country 

Like this fancy frill of mine; 
Chief McNarrey's crazy 'bout it ; 

*Lindy' says it's simply fine." 

—166--. 



"We are going to build a tower 

To run up two hundred feet 
And stretch a six-foot tumbling net 

Beneath it in the street. 
Every man in the department 

Must report there every day; 
We'll develop muscle there, Bud, 

When we once get under way." 

"Each man takes his turn at scaling 

With a prize to winning crews, 
And the famous Tompier' ladders 

Is the only thing we'll use. 
'Chime' Baker (pride of No. 1) 

Is to be the training chief. 
What he knows about condition 

Is almost beyond belief." 

"I'll do a little extra stunt, 

For it's my idea you see, 
I'll show them all what real nerve is, 

There'll be no one follow me ; 
I will dive off of the tower 

To the tumbling net beneath. 
With both hands tied behind me, 

And my ladder in my teeth." 

" 'Joe' Simpson (famous beauty) 

Will have a lot to say. 
And will give ten minute lectures 

On anatomy every day. 
Then there'll be another stunt. Kid, 

That will be worth while to see, 
Pulled off by Tubby' Williams 

And Conroy of No. 3." 

"These guys will take a blanket 

And make a parachute, 
Then jump off of the tower. 

And say — their act's a beaut. 
They both come down together; 

It is sure to take your breath, 
For one hand is in their pocket 

As they calmly flirt with death." 

" 'Ugly' Clark (the traveling fireman) 

Will simply knock 'em dead. 
When he goes up on the tower 

Standing on Joe Simpson's head. 
Aaron Simth will have 'em guessing 

When he jumps into the street 
From the flag staff on the tower, 

With coil bed springs on his feet." 



The motorman swayed and staggered; 

The conductor came ahead 
Just in time to catch the motorman 

As he gasped and fell back — dead. 
Harry then asked the conductor, 

"What's the matter, is he full?" 
The "connie" shook his head and answered, 

"Just a case of Watson 'Bull.' " 



A NIGHT IN THE WOODS. 

Qiarlie Bell (the motorman) 

Wore a long and careworn face 
As he said to "Sandy" Nelson, 

"A town's a tiresome place; 
Everybody's in a hurry 

And it makes a man feel blue. 
For between their families and their work 

They have no time for you." 

"You come down in the morning 

And go home again at night — 
Seven days a week of this 

Makes a fellow want to fight. 
Everybody's fighting daily 

For their share of earthly goods 
And I'd give a whole lot, 'Sandy,' 

For a night out in the woods." 

"Well, Charlie," Nelson answered, 

"I'll tell you what I'll do, 
I'll see the bunch at noon today, 

Then I'll report to you." 
"Sandy" laid his plan before the men 

At the street car barn at noon — 
"Lovie" Ralston said, "I'll tell you, 

Let's go out and tree a coon." 

"We'll have Jess Caves take his fiddle ; 

Say, we'll have a high old time. 
Then there's Dorrel and Ike Horner, 

We will take them out to climb." 
George Lyons and Lee Allen, 

Kelly, Trout and Sheats 
And Gresham (called the Smiling Kid) 

Agreed to get the "eats." 

M. C. Happy danced a horn pipe, 

Tidwell threw his cap away. 
Perry Johnson turned a hand-spring 

As he yelled, "Let's start today. 
A good old fashioned coon hunt 

Is a trip that holds a charm — 
Say, get the bunch together 

And come out to my farm." 

—168- 



That evening "Sandy" Nelson 

Broke the news to Charlie Bell. 
Charlie listened for a moment, 

Then let out a deafening yell. 
"Sandy" said, "It's all fixed, Charlie, 

And we'll do this thing up right ; 
Everything has been arranged for 

And we start tomorrow night.'' 

Charlie softly murmured, "Thank you. 

You have done a lot for me ; 
It's been twenty-five years, 'Sandy,' 

Since I tried to climb a tree. 
But I'm just as good as ever 

And the boys can't start too soon — 
Just lead me to the timber 

And it's good-bye. Mister Coon." 

They went to Perry Johnson's farm. 

Where they put on "don't care" clothes; 
Charlie Bell said, "Hurry, fellows. 

Take me where the timber grows." 
They treed a furry animal. 

Bell turned to Trout and said, 
"What is that sickening odor? 

By golly, something's dead." 

Ike Horner called for whisky, 

Mike Kelly said, "I'm sick, 
And I'm tellin' all you fellows 

This is no place for a 'mick.' '' 
Tidwell groaned and Gresham stammered, 

"My kingdom for a rose." 
Then they slipped up to the barn yard, 

Where they buried their old clothes. 

"Sandy" Nelson said, "Say, fellows, 

That lunch will be a treat." 
Charlie Bell gagged as he answered, 

"My God, who wants to eat?" 
They wandered back to Argentine ; 

Ralston looked up at the moon 
As he said, "I don't know what that was, boys. 

But I'm sure it was no coon." 



HOW FUZZY GOT HIS JOB. 

"Fuzzy" Merry (village blacksmith) 

Was talking to the bunch. 
Of how he came to land his job 

By one terrific punch. 
"I didn't tell on paper 

How I could make a shoe, 
I just peeled my linen duster 

And showed 'em all what I could do.' 

—169- 



"I was just in from the cane brakes, 

A great, big, awkward slob, 
Who knew just how to shoe a horse 

But couldn't land a job. 
I happened by here one hot day 

And heard a lot of noise. 
And I finally fought my way up through 

An alley full of boys.'' 

They had a sorrel horse in here, 

And, say — but he could pitch, 
With the blacksmith using everything 

From 'hobbles' to a 'twitch.' 
I saw in just a minute 

That the whole bunch was afraid, 
And the blacksmith left the sorrel 

At every move he made." 

"I watched them for a moment. 

Then I strolled in to the chief 
And said, T see your blacksmith 

Is having lots of grief.' 
*Yes,' he said, 'that sorrel's temper 

Is the talk of half the town, 
And the only way to shoe him 

That I see's to throw him down.' " 



"Then I said, 'Say, look me over — 

I just busted from the brush, 
But I can shoe that sorrel 

Single handed — in a rush. 
I will have him back in harness 

Before his shoes get cold; 
Why, I shod 'outlaw' horses 

When I was nine years old.' " 

" 'Say, I remember lots of times 

They took me out of school 
When I was just a baby, 

To shoe a kicking mule. 
Bad horses grew to know me. 

And when I'd walk down the street, 
I've seen "outlaws" at the hitch rack 

Look at me — then raise their feet." 

"The chief whistled, then he answered, 

'Boy, you sure must be a star, 
Now just shed that "alpaca," 

And show me how good you are.* 
The chief beckoned to the blacksmith 

And the bunch all left the shop 
When I said, 'Just watch your sorrel, 

He'll be a shod horse when I stop.' " 

—170- 



"The sorrel made a lunge at me 

And let out an awful bawl. 
I hit him square between the eyes 

And knocked him 'gainst the wall. 
I roughed him for a minute, 

And say, right from the go, 
He would crowd up in a corner 

Every time I 'hollered whoa.' " 

"Well, I shod him in six minutes, 

And he was well shod — understand? 
Say, it took me just two minutes 

To have him eating from my hand. 
The gang looked on in wonder 

All the chief could do was stare. 
The mayor took me by the hand. 

And said, 'Old boy, you're there.' " 

"The council held a special meeting, 

The shortest in the land. 
They sent the mayor for me 

And they met me with a band. 
They begged me for an hour 

To send and get my wife. 
They said, 'You're just the man we need. 

You've got a job for life.' " 



WHEN SAM McJIMSEY MADE GOOD. 

Sam Mcjimsey and Dan Enright 

Sat in a barber shop, 
Dan said to Sam, "They tell me 

That you're sure some running 'cop.' " 
"Run? Say, I made a record 

In the state of Texas, Dan, 
That never has been equaled. 

By a race horse or a man. 

"I was spending a vacation 

Out near Wichita Falls 
Where wild cats thrive a plenty 

And the deadly rattler crawls. 
Cattle rustlers had been busy 

And bank robbers were so bold 
That to read the daily papers 

Would made your blood run cold." 

"Say, Dan, I want to tell you 

That country sure was rough 
And a sheriff in that country 

Finds the going mighty tough. 
It's a common sight to see a man 

Ride in there on the run 
And the sheriff go to meet him 

With his hand upon his gun." 



"All the rider says is — Hoss Thieves — 

And the sheriff nods his head, 
He gets a fresh canteen of water 

And a loaf of home made bread. 
He buckles on four pistols 

And saddles in a rush, 
Slings a rifle on his shoulder 

And they start out for the brush/' 

"Well, I soon ran out of money — 

Work was mighty hard to find 
And the walk to Kansas City 

Was a long and tedious grind. 
I realized one morning 

Something must be done right then 
And I chanced to hear the sheriff 

Say he wanted five brave men.-' 

"My empty pocket told me 

To go out and get the dough 
While my fluttering heart kept saying, 

Take it slow, Sam, take it slow. 
They were after desperadoes 

And I had a nervous chill 
When the sheriff said, T'U take you 

If you're not afraid to kill.' '' 

'"'Two Gun' Pickett was my partner 

And we started in the lead 
With a fresh canteen of water 

And a big supply of feed. 
When 'Two Gun' turned and asked me. 

How many men I'd killed? 
My heart action was a million, 

And — my spinal column chilled." 

"I said, T've never killed a man, Tom, 

But I want this understood 
If we overtake those cut throats 

Believe me — I'll make good.' 
Well, he said, T've killed a hundred 

And crippled some who got away. 
But I'll add five to the death list 

If the shooting's good to-day.' " 

"Tom awoke me just at day break 

And he said, 'The gang's in sight, 
Drink a cup of strong, black coffee, 

And get ready for a fight.' 
He crawled up to a brush pile 

And I heard him cock his gun 
Then something seemed to shout at me, 

'Run ! You sucker, run !' " 

—172— 



"I heard the Katy Flyer 

Whistle, 'bout two miles away, 
And I murmured, 'if you beat me 

You will have to go today.' 
I dropped my Marlin rifle 

And six shooters to the ground 
And I beat the Katy Flyer 

To the outskirts of the town." 

"The next time I met Tom Pickett 

He sized me up and said, 
'You said you were a stayer. 

But you ran back home instead. 
I asked you if you'd go some 

And you told me that you would,' 
'Well,' I said, T beat the Katy 

And I claim that's making good.' " 



BUCK-SHOT BEN. 



Harry Powers (fire fighter) 

Talking to a friend one night 
Said, "Life 'round here is sure a drag 

I am longing for a fight. 
This life of peace is all O. K. 

For a man who's mostly brains, 
But Fm a healthy rough neck 

With red blood in my veins." 

Harry took a month vacation 

And told his friends in town 
He was going out to Winslow 

Just to mow those bad men down. 
Harry left the train at Winslow, 

Sauntered up to a hotel 
Where he registered and asked the clerk 

Where h could find some h — 1. 

"Well," the clerk said, "I will tell you" 

You had better leave your name 
And the place to ship your body 

If you're looking for big game. 
Now if its fight you're looking for 

Just drop around to Burke's 
They'll fight you there with anything 

From forty-fives to dirks." 

Standing just out side of Burke's place 

Was a man, tall, gaunt and thin, 
Who looked like easy money — 

Harry said, "Here's where I begin.** 
As the fellow turned Harry Powers saw 

A vast expanse of chest 
And a gruesome skull and cross bones 

Tattooed across his breast. 

-173- 



He slowly sized up Powers 

Then pulled a blue steel gun 
And said, "Hello — a stranger? 

And he looks like he could run. 
When I see a guy like you,, Pard, 

It kinda gets my goat 
An' I hanker fer the pleasure 

To reach up and cut a throat." 

"I love to start out, stranger, 

With a bowie in my teeth ; 
The hot sun beatin' on me 

An' the desert sand beneath. 
If you're a man that's game, Pard, 

An' aint a skeered to fight 
With a bowie er six shooter 

I'll jest stay with you all night." 

"You kin see my hair all matted down 

An' p'raps you think that's mud 
But that's not mud up thar, Pard, 

That thar is human blood. 
I killed my last man yesterday 

At a three card Monte game — 
He was some bad man himself, Pard, 

But I got 'im — just the same.'' 

"I caught this guy a cheatin' 

An' I tells him kinda low 
I seen you turn that ace, Pard, 

That kinda stuff don't go. 
He flashed back sorta sassy, 

I'm a dealin' here tonight 
An' if you don't like the layout 

You kin hit the trail — er fight." 

"Well," I says, "My weapon's bowies 

Er a colt six forty-five 
We leave this joint together 

One of use comes back alive. 
The other lays out thar, Pard, 

Whar the hot wind softly moans 
With a cactus fer a piller 

An' the ants to pick his bones." 

"Now as I was sayin', stranger. 

You look like you could run." 
As he spoke he shot the ashes 

From his Cinco with his gun. 
I'm givin' you two minutes, Pard, 

To get clean out o' sight. 
An' if you don't make it, stranger, 

I will shore fan out yer light." 

-174- 



"Two minutes is yer limit — 

Now, Pard, it's up to you." 
Harry answered, "That's enough, Pal, 

Much obliged, and thank you, too." 
Harry left the town on high speed 

And was never seen again. 
He decided to be neutral 

When he met old "Buck-Shot Ben." 



IF YOU CALL— YOU CALL ALONE. 

Mail carrier Ed Fitzgibbon 

At home the other night, 

Read an article pertaining 

To a San Francisco fight. 

The loser of the battle 

Left the ring without a scratch. 

And drew down one thousand dollars 

For his efforts in the match. 

Ed read the article four times. 
Sat back and thought awhile. 
Got up and put his hat on. 
As he ventured with a smile : 
"I'll be back home in an hour, 
And I'll have a big surprise ; 
I will tell you folks the secret 
If my hopes materialize." 

"Fitz" called on Ed McKenna, 

And told Ed of his plan, 

Saying, "Ed, I need a friend's advice, 

And I know that you're the man 

To give me information. 

I'm a novice at this game — 

I may make a failure of it. 

But I'll try it just the same." 

"What's the use of carrying mail bags 
That weigh a hundred pounds, 
When you get a thousand dollars 
For fighting twenty rounds ? 
A 'pug' today can write a check 
For any old amount. 
I'm strong, 'Mac,' for this fight game 
And a healthy bank account." 

McKenna slowly filled his pipe. 
Crossed his legs and scratched his head. 
He looked Fitzgibbon over, 
Then said, "I'll tell you, Ed, 
This fight game is a hard one ; 
It's a tough old game clear through, 
But I guess you know your business. 
And I'll tell you what I'll do." 

-175- 



"I know a lad in Armourdale 

Who's an old head at this game ; 

He's just the man for you to see, 

KoUman is his name. 

If you care to' see this fellow 

I will take you down tonight — 

If there's one thing this lad knows for sure, 

That one thing— is to FIGHT." 

They went down to Oscar KoUman's, 
And McKenna said, '*Say, lad. 
Here's a guy who has the fight bug. 
And he's got the fever bad. 
Take him out and look him over." 
Oscar answered, "All right, 'Mac,' 
My *gym' sets on the alley — 
Bring your friend and come on back." 

"Fitz" — feeling rather creepy — 

Stood just inside the door, 

As he asked, "What are those blotches 

I see upon the floor?" 

Oscar yawned and stretched, then answered, 

"Don't let that scare you, 'Bud,' 

You'll see a lot of those stains here — 

But that is only blood." 

"There's a jaw tooth in that cuspidor. 

And a front tooth near the wall ; 

I thought I swept out good last night. 

But I didn't get 'em all. 

Hot weather makes things quiet, 

Times are better when it's cold — 

Why, there's a roll of bandages 

That is fully two weeks old." 

"Here, put this pair of gloves on, 
Take that corner over there." 
"Fitz" answered, "Nothing stirring. 
Let me get out to fresh air." 
McKenna said, "We'll call again." 
And in an undertone 
"Fitz" mumbled to McKenna, 
"If you call— you call ALONE." 



ON BOARD THE PILOT OF THE 39. 



An actual experience of the writer. The names of 
the characters are fictitious. 



It was about 5 :30 p. m. along about the 12th of 
August, 1900, when W. J. Osterhaut, pulling throttle 
on the old 39 spot T. P. & W. (through passenger) 
pulled into Forest, 111., about 14 minutes late, 



■176- 



"Rooster" (as this "hog head" was known amongst 
the boys) swung down from the cab with an oil 
can to look after a warm journal. I exchanged 
greetings with "Rooster," and his "tallow pot" 
(George Richardson) who was standing in the gang 
way, then I climbed up into the cab. I had always 
had a passion for riding the pilot and this peculiarity 
was well known to both the "hog head" and the 
"tallow pot" on the 39. Frank Tibbets (the con- 
ductor) came down to the engine and handed 
"Rooster" his running orders and "high balled'' him 
out of town. As "Rooster" started to pull out of 
town he called me across the cab. Steadying myself 
with one hand on the reverse lever and the other 
shading my ear I leaned over to hear what he had to 
say. He gave her a couple of notches, took a look 
down the main line, leaned over and shouted, "WeVe 
got a good piece o' track along here and I'm going 
to fan 'em." "Don't you want to ride the pilot?" 
"Sure," I yelled back. Going over to the fireman's 
seat box I exchanged my coat and hat for a cap and 
a jumper. The fireman "hit her a shot" just as I 
stepped out on the window and started along the 
running board for the pilot. I stepped down on to 
the cylinder case and from there to the pilot with 
the old 39 rambling along at about 30 miles an hour. 
Crawling over to the right hand side I gave 
"Rooster'' a "high ball" before grasping the number 
plate with one hand and the flag socket with the 
other. Yea Bo — business sure was good. Old 
"Rooster" was fanning 'em for keeps. I was afraid 
to open my eyes for fear the wind would blow them 
out of their sockets, and the way the wind played 
"crack the whip" with that jumper was a caution. 
It was about to whip me to death. Every time 
"Rooster" gave her a notch I could feel the 39 re- 
spond. I made one attempt years ago to ride an 
"outlaw" horse and judging by the way the 39 
"pitched," "side wheeled," and lunged I imagine the 
sensation is about the same in both cases barring 
the blind fold, hackamore and saddle. I heard 
"Rooster" scream for a flag station and was hoping 
he would have to make the stop. But there was 
no such luck for me. He screamed twice and the 
39 fell down through that hamlet so fast the natives 
gathered around the depot thought she was a falling 
star. We were about 3 miles out of Weston when, 
above the rush of the wind and the roar of the rush- 
ing train, I heard, faintly at first, then louder and 
louder until my head ached — the stock whistle. You 
may have listened unmoved to the weird blasts of 
a stock whistle, but take it from me if you want to 
get it right you want to get it while riding the pilot 
of a "kettle" turning 'em at about 60 miles an hour. 
Out there with the wind cutting your face while the 

-177- 



heat from the boiler head scorches your back, with 
your Hfe depending solely upon your ability to hold 
on, where you dare not let go with either hand 
while the pilot threatens to ramble out from under 
you every minute. There's the place to get the full 
expression of the stock whistle. That's where it 
sounds like your funeral knell. At first I thought 
''Rooster" was merely enjoying himself at my ex- 
pense. I figured the alarm was a scare for my sole 
benefit. I confess that had such been his intentions 
he was certainly successful. Just as I had about 
convinced myself it was all a joke "Rooster" shut 
off. I realized then, it was on the square for he 
would never shut off to make his bluff good. He 
put her over in the big hole and gave her sand. I 
could hear the drivers grinding as the brake shoes 
slammed up against them and I imagined I could see 
the fire streaming from her wheels as I put forth a 
mighty mental effort to help him hold her. I felt 
her lunge forward as he released the aid and opened 
her up. I realized then that being impossible to stop 
he intended to do the next best thing — hit 'em hard. 
I tried to think of a short prayer as the 39 leaped to 
meet the obstruction. With an effort I managed to 
get my eyes open wide enough for one little peek. 
"Cattle" — I thought, as I held my breath and braced 
myself for the shock. There was a dull thud as 
something hit the boiler head directly under the 
number plate and dropped to the pilot. About that 
time something fell across my lap and proceeded to 
make itself at home. I took a solemn oath right 
then that, if I ever lived to tell it — this would be my 
last ride on a pilot. When "Rooster" shut off and 
whistled for Chenoa. I opened my eyes and looked 
down upon the object I had been nursing for the 
last five miles. Then I looked over at the other 
unfortunate I had heard hit the boiler head. They 
were sheep. As "Rooster" made the stop I rolled 
the sheep off my lap up against the other one and 
slipping off the pilot I went back and climbed up 
into the cab. "Rooster" bawled out at me as I 
climbed up into the gangway, "Hello, Kid, you 
hurt?" I looked up into that big, good natured 
face of his and replied, "O, don't worry now, old 
timer. I have had time to have been buried since 
you hit that bunch of sheep. Lay back on your 
cushions and remember you have enough mutton 
out there on the pilot to last your whole neighbor- 
hood a month." After washing up, I climbed up on 
to the seat box with the fireman, when "Rooster* 
again called to me, "Another nice piece o' track 
ahead. Want to ride the pilot?" I shouted back as 

—178— 



we pulled out of town, "Nothing stirring." "Ain't 
afraid, are you?" he called back. Crossing the deck, 
I screamed, "Not necessarily, but you might hit a 
steer the next time and I'm afraid I couldn't hold 
HIM. Give me some sort of a guarantee that you 
won't hit anything bigger than a chicken and I'm 
with you." It is hardly necessary to state that that 
was my last ride on a pilot. 



SINGING BILL. 



"One hundred Swedes 

Took to the weeds, 

One Irishman behind them." 

"Bill" Carmody was singing 

As the street car rolled along — 
The passengers were mystified 

At the snatches of a song. 
The people riding up in front 

Kept looking toward the rear, 
While the ones behind looked up ahead 

And strained their ears to hear. 

Above the hum. of motors 

And the rumble of the car. 
Above the clanging of the gong, 

Unmarred by jolt or jar. 
The rasping voice grew stronger, 

Then would gradually fade away. 
Like the echo of the breezes 

On a balmy summer's day. 

The conductor shambled through the car 

To gather up the fares 
And apparently the singing 

Was the least of all his cares. 
A passenger called to him, 

"Say, where's the vaudeville?'' 
He smiled and pointed up ahead 

As the car pitched down the hill. 

*I guess you hear the motorman 

Singing to a friend. 
He'll be singing that way, pardner, 

Till we get out to the end. 
The company won't let him talk, 

So he resorts to song. 
And if passengers ride out in front 

He will sing the whole day long." 

—179- 



The passenger smiled and answered, 

"By golly, that is odd, 
And judging by his dialect 

He came from the 'ould sod.' 
I'm much obliged, conductor." 

Then with a beaming smile 
He grasped the seat backs in the car 

And staggered up the aisle. 

He found the motorman alone 

And climbed upon the stool. 
Saying, "Howdy do, fine weather." 

"Bill" sung back, "Pretty cool." 
The passenger said, "Motorman, 

This work is pretty tough — 
Are you really so happy, 

Or is it just a bluff?" 

To the tunes of "Annie Laurie" 

And "The Wearin' o' the Green" 
Bill answered, "Well, this labor 

Beats a lot that I have seen. 
For instance, see that gang there 

In mud up to their eyes ? 
I've got those fellows beat a mile — 

This job beats tampin' ties." 

Then "Bill" changed to Yankee Doodle" 

As he sung, "There's lots o' men 
Ridiculing other folks 

Who should be in the 'pen.' 
This work is not as good as some 

For hours and for pay. 
But I make an HONEST livin' 

And that's a lot to say." 

To the air of "Down in Dixie" 

"Bill" continued, "By the way, 
You must have a GOOD job, pardner, 

For you ride the cars all day.'' 
The passenger grew nervous. 

Then gave his head a toss 
As he answered, "When I'm working 

I'm assistant section boss." 

"Say, let me off at Fourth street, 

I've gone a block too far." 
As he dropped off he heard a voice 
Above the rumble! of the car, 
"One hundred Swedes 
Took to the weeds. 
One Irishman behind them." 



■180- 



IT SURE LOOKED GOOD TO HIM. 



Henry Glass (the second Oldfield) 

Is back upon the job 
And the tales he weaves of railroad life 

Make old time boomers sob. 
"It's a cinch to run these auto trucks 

And lay out a line o' hose, 
It beats handling a number 10, 

Now let me tell you those." 

"I quit the fire department 

And rambled to New York, 
Where they call you Mister So and So 

And eat soup with a fork. 
I got a job as fireman 

On the Michigan Central road, 
Where fifty cars o' scrap iron 

Is called a medium load." 

**Now, I had never fired 

A 'battle ship' before, 
And do my best I couldn't hit 

The staggering fire door ; 
I stepped upon the apron 

And lit upon my neck 
With the *hog head' cussin' like Saint Nick 

'Cause I was on the deck." 

"They marked me up one morning 

With a bohunk engineer, 
I noticed he was surly 

When I yells, 'The block is clear !' 
He sat up there and pouted 

Like a lion in a cage, 
And he runs the whole division 

With his eyes upon the gauge." 

"I could see the steam gauge slippin' 

And he yells, 'Get on the job ! 
What do you think that coals' for. 

You great big awkward slob?' 
I says, 'All right, old timer,' 

And with an aching back 
I watched a stream of fireworks 

Shoot upward from the stack." 

"My heart was slowly sinking — 

There sat that 'hog head' crank 
With one eye on the steam gauge 

And the other on the tank. 
Then I says, 'Gee ! I'm a sucker 

To let that 'boob' sit there 
With his lever among the oil cans 

And rawhidin' her for fair." 

—181— 



"I climbs upon the seat box 

And my head began to swim ; 
I mumbles, 'We might make it, 

But our chance is mighty slim,' 
Then I heard the *hog head' holler ! 

And I looks up at the gauge 

It was one of those times, kiddo. 

When a minute seems an age." 

"I leaps across the cab. Kid, 

And I grabs him by the neck ; 
I shook him till he 'hollered !' 

Then I steps back on the deck — 
'Pull that lever close to center. 

Give a new man half a show ! 
If you yell at me again. Kid, 

In the firebox you go !' " 

"The head brakeman crosses over 

And he says, 'This thing won't do ; 
She'll never steam, "old taller," 

With the coal banked to the flues.' 
'Well,' I says to him, 'I'm through, Kid, 

That "bohunk" "eagle-eye" 
Can keep her hot himself. Kid, \ 

Or let the scrap heap die'." 

"The 'hog head' tries to square things, 

But I says, 'Old Top, I'm through — 
I am here to work all right. Bo, 

But I sure am sick o' you.' 
Then I quits and draws my pay check, 

And say, Kid, hully gee ! 
This job o' drivin' fire trucks 

Shore does look good to me." 



MIKE GORMAN'S STORY. 

"Mickey" Gorman up at "one" house 

Slowly sank down in a chair. 
Removed his cap, yawned and ran 

His fingers through his hair. 
Then Mike grew reminiscent 

As his hands clasped 'round his knee, 
He settled farther in the chair 

Then pulled this one on me : 

"They talk about the bravery 

Of the heroes with the hose, 
I will tell you something, 'kiddo,' 

That a very few folks know. 
We made a run one morning 

(It was cold — 'bout ten below) 
To a fire on the avenue 

About two years ago." 

—182— 



" 'Wild Duck' Patterson drove the wagon 

And I was on the truck 
When Bob saw the thermometer 

He bellowed out, Tough luck !' 
When we pulled up at the fire 

I ran to the chief and said, 
'If you send men in that building 

They are just as good as dead'." 

" 'Jack' replied, 'I know she's hot, Mike, 

It's,(a death trap — full of snares — 
But remember there are people 

Living in the rooms upstairs,' 
'Jack' went away a minute. 

Then he rushed back and said, 'Mike, 
The stairway just dropped in the flames, 

I've never seen the like'." 

" 'That heat would burn our ladders 

And we haven't got a net ; 
I'm putting all my faith in you. 

For you're sure the one best bet.' 
I looked up at a window. 

When I heard a lady scream 
And I called to Charlie Abrahams 

To take charge of my team." 

"I shouted to McNarrey, 

'Let me pick out my own crew 
And I will save those people,' 

And 'Jack' screamed, Tt's up to you.' 
Then I picked out 'Buger' Sayers, 

'Sticks' Conroy and Callahan, 
Sheehan, Drummy, Quinlan, 

And the 'fiend for work,' Moran." 



"Then I called for 'Hugh' McCullough, 

The fire fighting lad. 
And also for Bob Maher, 

The 'Tipperary Tad.' 
I never saw a finer bunch 

Of dead game men before, 
Then we hoisted up the ladders 

And climbed to the roof next door." 



"There was avvacant lot between us 

And the people in the street 
Looked up at us and wondered 

How we'd span that fifty feet. 
I then placed 'Buger' Sayers 

Opposite a window ledge ; 
They climbed on each other's shoulders 

To make a human bridge." 

—183— 



" 'Tommy' Drummy was the top man, 

For it took a lot of strength 
To catch a window ledge and hold 

A string of men that length. 
They carried out the people, 

Tramping o'er us in a drove. 
Then I heard McNarrey bellow, 

*Now, go back and get the stove'." 

"We hung there for two hours. 

While they carried the furniture out, 
And I felt myself a slipping 

When I heard Tom Drummy shout, 
Drummy felt the brick wall totter 

And he shouted back, 'Hold tight !' 
Then we all climbed back to safety 

After one long, bitter fight." 

"Tom Drummy's hands were blistered 

And Sayers' toes were sore. 
For he had never carried 

That much weight on them before. 
'Jack' said, 'Michael, you're a hero.' 

I said, 'Well, perhaps you're right.' 
What? You're going? Well, so long, Jack 

Drop in again some night." 



WHATS IN A NAME. 



Police Judge Joseph Brady 

Leaned back and stroked his chin 
As he scrutinized a prisoner 

Joe Downs had just brought in. 
The prisoner was a foreigner 

With five sections to his name. 
Who understood no English, 

About thirty years old and lame. 

Judge Brady looked him over, 

Then he asked of the police, 
"What's the charge?" and Joe Downs answered, 

"Disturbance of the peace. 
He whipped his wife, your honor. 

And half the neighborhood, 
A year upon the rock pile. Judge, 

I think would do him good." 

Judge Brady rapped upon his desk. 

Then straightened in his chair, 
And as he spoke he madly threshed 

His gavel through the air. 
"I'm getting tired of having men 

Tried in this court by a cop ; 
Your duty ends at the arrest 

And this foolishness must stop." 

—184- 



Brady sent for an interpreter 

And with a wicked frown 
He turned upon the officer 

As he bellowed out, "Sit down !" 
Then in softer tones he said to Joe, 

"Perhaps you never knew 
The conditions in police courts. 

So I'll just enlighten you." 

"Take, for instance, Joe, this foreigner 

You'd give three hundred days ; 
He's a new man in this country 

And a stranger to our ways. 
'Twould be merciless to send him 

To the rock pile or to jail ; 
To prosecute means persecute. 

And there is where we fail." 



"Give this man an opportunity 

And teach him right from wrong; 
He'll make a law abiding citizen 

And it won't take very long. 
This man don't know he broke the law, 

And at that he may be right. 
There comes a time to all of us 

When we're called upon to fight." 

"I'm inclined to be more lenient 

Where it's just a minor charge 
And I'm satisfied I'll benefit 

The universe at large. 
I'll teach this man with kindness — 

Now's a good time to begin — 
I will demonstrate my theory 

When the interpreter comes in." 

The interpreter came into court 

And the Judge said, "Listen here. 
Tell the prisoner what I tell you to. 

And put it to him clear. 
Tell him we're not going to hurt him 

And we're sorry he is lame. 
But before extending sympathies 

Ask the prisoner his name." 

The interpreter mumbled something 

An4 the prisoner understood. 
He smiled and gestured meaningly 

(As Judge Brady knew he would). 
The interpreter stepped to the bench, 

Whispering in the Judge's ear. 
Suddenly Brady jumped up screaming, 

"Take that 'Bohunk' out of here." 

—185-^ 



*'He says his name is Brady, 

Take him out of here, I say ; 
Take him out before I kill him, 

Take that lying dog away. 
Why, the sacred name of Brady 

Is a name that brings forth cheers. 
I will now pass sentence on him. 

To the rock pile — ninety years." 



JIM HEREFORD'S AUTOMOBILE. 

Jim Hereford had been thinking 

For a long time of the past, 
When he was young — and power was good. 

And the track was always fast. 
He said, *T'm running on two points. 

Now that's no way to feel, 
I think I'll take a little sprint 

And buy an automobile." 

He looked at all the cars in town 

And finally made a choice. 
Then sent a message to the barn 

That made the bunch rejoice. 
He promised all a joy ride 

And would mark nobody "missed," 
Henry Noble and Burt Morrison 

Were first upon the list. 

Then Charlie Pegg and Al McPhail, 

Charlie Brown and "Hard Head" Green 
Were marked up for a joy ride 

In Jim's big new machine. 
Jim had taken twenty lessons 

And was up against the bit. 
He told Charlie Brown he had a car 

That would "git right up and git." 

They "signed on" at Woods' drug store 

And were about to wreck the place 
When Ed Woods said he'd beat Jim's car 

With HIS car in a race. 
Jim finally pulled up in front ; 

Henry Noble's face was grave 
As he turned to Jim and questioned, 

"How does the thing behave?" 

They zig-zagged down past Walker 

Like a cyclone on a tear, 
As McPhail saw the Northwestern 

He said, "My God, Jim, set your air." 
On the Inter-City viaduct 

Jim Hereford turned to John 
And said, "The power's getting weak, 

See if the trolley's on." 

—186-^ 



Jim dug up his instruction book 

As the big machine went dead 
And went up by the headlight 

To read and scratch his head. 
Noble said, "Look at your brushes, 

Or maybe it's her shoes ;" 
Then "Hard Head" said, "I think, Jim, 

That you blew a ribbon fuse." 

Al McPhail looked for a "pick-up," 

As he called to Charlie Brown, 
"Give me a hand here, Charlie, 

The main line wire's down.'' 
They couldn't get her started. 

Though they tried with all their might. 
"Hard Head" wrapped up in a laprobe 

And prepared to spend the night. 

Jim said, "The dingle biddie 

And the dingbat must be crossed." 
Noble said, "It's your resistance. 

That's where your power's lost." 
The party got together 

And had a quiet talk. 
Then bidding Hereford good-bye, 

They started out to walk. 

Poor Jim got home at daybreak. 

He was grease from head to feet, 
He had to dodge the "copper" 

Who was walking on that beat. 
His wife asked where the car was 

And Jim answered, "Just keep cool, 
I'll have it run out o'er the pit 

When I can hire a mule." 

The next day an auto salesman 

Caught Jim's car at Riverview 
And said, "I have a swell machine 

I'd like to show to you." 
Jim nailed him with a switch bar 

And, amid the passengers' yells. 
He shoved the salesman to the street, 

Reached up and gave two bells. 



WHICH ONE THERE IS DAVE? 



N. B. — Track construction crews are at times 
composed of men of many different nationalities. 
It is therefore difficult to designate each individual 
by his proper name, consequently timekeepers and 
checkers rechristen some of their charges. The fol- 
lowing is a little insight of the trials outsiders have 
in understanding who is who : 

—187— 



There's a much perplexing question, 

In the city o'er the line, 
That is driving many men to drink, 

And.wrecking many minds. 
It does not refer to politics, 

Nor the proposed Y. M. C. A., 
Yet it's driving people crazy 

In dear old K. C, K. 

Along the "L" road right of v^ay 
They are fixing up the track ; 

There's a mighty gang of men at work- 
Some are white and some are black, 

Some are brown and some are yellow — 
And they labor like a slave ; 

But the question so insolvable 
Is, "Which one there is Dave?" 

There are men of all nationalities 

Gathered in this mighty group ; 
Some who live upon spaghetti 

And some who live on soup. 
Some who look almost like humans. 

But this question makes all rave : 
Which one in this aggregation 

Is the little track boss Dave? 

As I'm going home with Elum, 

Riding in the vestibule. 
When we coast along by Walker 

I climb down from off the stool. 
As we scan the many faces. 

With our countenance so grave, 
And we strive to solve the question, 

Which one there is Little Dave? 



WHERE WAS TOM. 



On the twenty-third of August 

All cares were thrown' aside. 
When the public formed together 

In a giant human tide 
And wound its may to Chelsea 

Where excitement was aflame 
To see the awful struggle 

At the County-City game. 

Enough money to free Ireland 

Was bet on this game alone; 
Each good play brought forth cheering 

And each error brought a groan. 
While the game itself held interest 

The subject with full sway 
Was the all absorbing topic 

Billed as "Extras for To-day." 

-188- 



They had billed a finish footrace 

And the announcer calmly said, 
"The contestants agree to run 

Until one of them falls dead." 
They were clamoring for the runners 

And above the awful din 
Arose a cheer of welcome 

When John T. Sims walked in. 

The judge removed his Panama 

And held aloft his hand, 
While a reverential silence 

Fell o'er the crowded stand. 
He cleared his throat, then shouted, 

"Let the teams go out and play ; 
It is BALL we v/ant, NOT suicide — 

There will BE no race today." 

When "Pal" Richardson came through the gate 

A ghostly silent calm 
Settled o'er the mighty multitude 

As "Pal" shouted, "Where is Tom?" 
Tom Fleming 'phoned George Foerschler, 

"Just hook me up with Tal' 
And I'll run this county four-flush 

To the Panama canal." 



"Tom" and "Pal" were billed to wrestle 

Just before they called the game. 
"Pal" had asked for a continuance 

On the grounds that he was lame. 
Judge Lacy screamed, "That don't go, Tal !' 

As a quitter you're a beaut." 
Then "Pal'' introduced big "Frenchie," 

Acting as his substitute. 

"Pal" screamed out, "Bring on Tom Fleming, 

Lead him in, I'll do the rest !" 
As "Pal's " substitute paced the diamond 

And beat upon his breast. 
Henry Dean then told the audience, 

"We will wait a little bit 
And if Fleming fails to show up 

It's a case of plain old quit." 

Mayor Green yelled, "Call it off, men !" 

And the great crowd heaved a sigh 
As "Pal" bowed a weak submission 

And threw away his "alibi." 
"Pal" was carrying a yardstick 

For fear "Frenchie'' might get lost ; 
He had sworn he'd beat Tom Fleming 

And would win at any cost. 

—189— 



Then a cheer rose from the grandstand 

That was heard for thirty blocks 
As the Mayor, smiling blandly, 

Started for the pitcher's box. 
He wound up for the first one, 

His muscle tense and drawn, 
Then walked back to the bleachers — 

The desperate fight was on. 

At the end of seven innings 

Judge Lacy read the score, 
The game going to the county 

By the score of six to four. 
The hit of Tinney Lindsay 

Made Ty Cobb's stick work look tame- 
HIS hit and McDonald's ERRORS 

Were the features of the game. 



THE WEDDING OF "ARCH" CLARK. 

The firemen at 8 house 

Got a 'phone call Sunday night, 
It came from Parsons, Kansas, 

And the message threw some light 
On what had been a mystery. 

A fireman, "Arch" Clark, 
Had been found a week before that 

Wandering in the City Park. 

He mumbled in his ravings, 

As he crept about the place, 
Hatless and unshaven. 

With a wild look on his face. 
A "cop" had found him wandering 

About that part of town 
And on complaint of neighbors 

The "copper" "took him down." 

"Arch" (better known as Ugly) 

Had been worried for a week ; 
At times he grew despondent 

And for hours would not speak. 
The firemen had seen the change 

And were mystified at "Ug." 
'Sausage' Cooper telephoned the chief 

That "Arch" was going "bug." 

"Ug" disappeared last Saturday 

And the boys were feeling blue. 
For though plain clothes men searched the town, 

They couldn't find a clew 
That would help to solve the mystery 

And they gave up in despair. 
The boys at 8 house bought black crepe 

To hang on "Ugly's" chair. 

—190- 



The sheriff down at Parsons 

Found "Ug" Saturday at noon. 
He was hanging 'round the depot, 

As crazy as a loon. 
When the train for Oklahoma 

Whistled for the town, 
**Ug" was raving like a Avild man 

And knocking people down. 

When the train pulled in the station 

The sheriff deputized a man, 
Saying, "We must take this fellow 

Alive, pal, if we can. 
Don't shoot until you have to ; 

The, man is raving mad. 
If we go right out and kill him, 

Ten to one we'll get in bad." 

"Ug" was hurdling the baggage trucks 

As he dashed from car to car, 
Then they heard him shout, "Oh, Darling, 

Thank heaven, here you are !" 
A timid little lady 

Edged her way out through the crowd ; 
"Ug" rushed to take her in his arms 

As he moaned and sobbed aloud. 

"You've come — I knew you'd be here. 

Sweetheart, I'm overjoyed. 
If we go to Kansas City 

We are sure to be annoyed 
By a rowdy bunch^of roughnecks. 

Say ! listen, little dear, 
I know just what that bunch will do. 

So let's get married here." 

She finally consented ; 

"Ug" rushed in to her seat 
To get her baggage ; then the two 

Started up the street. 
The sheriff told his deputy 

As they disappeared from view, 
"They're looking for a minister — 

I've no more use for you." 

When the bunch at 8's were told the news 

Three cheers rung on the air. 
Harry Powers 'phoned the dime store 

For a piece of chinaware. 
They made no presentation speech. 

For "Ugly'' had a gun. 
They just slipped up to "Ugly's" house, 

Threw it on the porch and run. 



-191- 



THE LOST HIGH ROLLER STRAW. 



Pierpont Morgan out at 5 house 

Wears a long and careworn face 
And is telling of a robber 

Who visited his place. 
"Broad" went to lunch one day last week 

And had just unlocked the door — 
He looked inside and gasped for breath — 

Things were strewn upon the floor. 

He rushed back to the engine house 

And the men all had to stare 
When "Pierpont" whispered "Burglars" 

As he sank down in a chair. 
He was terribly excited 

And he spoke in muffled tones, 
While the men looked on in silence 

As he said to Captain Jones : 

"Call up the cops and tell 'em 

That my house has just been robbed ; 
They took a lot of clothes and things — 

And say, 'Cap' ("Pierpont" sobbed), 
When you're talking to headquarters 

Don't forget to tell the law 
That the most important thing they took 

Was my big high roller straw." 

"They took my *colt-six' — thirty-two 

And two good suits of clothes — 
Of course, I need these articles, 

But goodness only knows 
I can always buy more clothing 

And I can always get a gun. 
But there is not another hat 

Like THAT beneath the sun.'' 

Jones called police headquarters, 

Then reported to his chief, 
"Number 5 is out of service. 

Send McCullough as relief." 
The chief soon learned conditions 

And 'phoned Jones, "Stay where you're at, 
I'll notify all houses 

To search for Morgan's hat." 

About an hour later 

Sayers 'phoned Jones, "I just saw 
A thing that might be Morgan's hat 

Floating down the Kaw." 
The auto truck at No. 1, 

With twelve men in the crew, 
Rushed at 80 miles an hour 

East on Armstrong avenue. 

—192— 



They rushed down to the river, 
Saw the object, then went back 

And reported to McNarrey, 

"It was just a three-room shack." 

Chief McNarrey paced his office, 
Now and then he'd scratch his head 

And in all the engine houses 
Not a soul had gone to bed. 

The 'phone rang at 10:30 

And a voice, screamed o'er the wire, 
"Notify the whole department 

The courthouse is on fire." 
Bert Dill copied down the message 

And the chief asked, "What was that? 
Bert then told him and he answered, 

"H , I thought they'd found the hat." 

The cops came in exhausted. 

The detectives were at sea, 
"Cap" O'Donnell, too, admitted 

"It's a case too deep for me." 
"Gum Shoe" Mansell and "Walt" Gibson 

Both predicted that the law 
Would never solve the mystery 

Of the lost high roller straw. 

At 3 a. m. the 'phone rang ; 

Dill awakened in his^^chair, 
Took the message, then he shouted 

As he started for the stair, 
"They have found the straw high roller! 

Chief McNarrey gave a whoop. 
Morgan's neighbor said he'd used it 

For a winter chicken coop. 



WHEN CLAUDE BROWN CHANGED HIS MIND. 

"Buzz" Lilley heard the clock strike 5, 

He sleepily yawned, and then 
Rammed his hands beneath his pillow 

And went to sleep again. 
A cool south wind was blowing 

And the cool, refreshing air 
Played idly across his forehead. 

Wafting gently through his hair. 

An hour later "Buzz" awakened 

And with a muttered groan, 
Still half asleep, he started 

For the ringing telephone. 
He took down the receiver 

And awakened with a start 
When he heard a voice say firmly, 

"Hello, 'Buzz !' This is Art." 

—193— 



"The store is locked — I have no key 

And I can't locate Claude Brown. 
There are customers here, waiting." 

"Buzz" replied, "I'll be right down." 
"Buzz" opened up, then telephoned 

Chief Gordon of the case. 
Gordon said, "Search for his body, 

It may be about the place." 

"Buzz" went down to the cellar. 

Where he heard a timid voice 
Coming from a darkened corner 

That made his heart rejoice. 
"Buzz" called out softly, anxiously. 

And a smile replaced a frown 
When he saw a form approaching 

And he recognized — Claude Brown. 

"Brownie" whispered, "Don't talk loud, 'Buzz*.' 

And "Buzz" Lilley held his breath 
As Brown said, "Say, I'm in hiding 

And discovery means — death. 
I had a date last night, Buzz,' 

With a 'pippin' of a 'wren' 
And I made an awful bobble. 

One I'll never make again." 

"I hands this Jane a jolly — 

She was one more queen, all right — 
And I framed it up to meet her 

At eight o'clock last night. 
Well, I put on my swell scenery 

And floats up to Shawnee Park, 
Feeling like a two-year-old 

And whistling like a lark." 

"Pretty soon I sees her coming, 

X-ray skirt and picture hat, 
But she has some rummy with her 

And I says the hook — like that. 

I steps out on the curbing. 

Then I saw this other guy 
Stop to mitt an old acquaintance — 

Say, you'd ought to see his eye." 

"Pale blue eyes that look plumb through you ; 

His nose was kind-a flat. 
He had shoulders like a truck horse, 

High-heeled boots and big, white hat. 
Well, the 'fairy' walks on by me 

And she kind-a nods her head 
As she mumbles sort-a low like, 

'Nothin doin', kid— lay dead'." 

—194— 



"I get's all swelled up and 'sassy' 

And I says, 'Who is that ham?' 
And she says, That's just my husband, 

Known as Arizona Sam. 
He's a gun man and a good 'un, 

But you needn't to get skeart ; 
Still, if he says to beat it, 

You, had better step right peart'." 

"Well, I kind-a thought things over 

And decided I would blow. 
So I beat it for the cellar, 

For I seen I had no show. 
I intended when I saw him 

To jump in and beat him blind. 
But when she mentioned *Gun Man' — 

Well, I kind-a changedjmy mind." 



THE MAIL CARRIER'S OUTING. 

"Bud" Cole, a Kansas mail clerk. 

Called 'Bob" Jackson to one side. 
Saying, " 'Bob,' spring fever's got me ; 

I want to fish and ride. 
Why can't we have a picnic 

Like other people do? 
This thing of working all the time 

Makes a man feel mighty blue." 

"Bob" answered, "'Bud,' I'm with you; 

I am tired of all this grind. 
I'd like to know for one day 

I could leave all care behind." 
They called in Lucas Lilly 

And told him of their wish. 
Lucas shouted, "That sounds good to me. 

Yea Bo— I love to fish." 

The three arranged a picnic 

To be held at Horse Shoe Lake. 
"Bob" Jackson worked an hour 
On a list of things to take — 
Fishing tackle, bait and lunch, 

Three pounds of Granger Twist — 
Then "Bob" called Eugene Osborn 
To help him with the list. 

"Gene" suggested corn cob pipes, 

A case of soda pop. 
About three dozen lemons — 

"Bob" yelled at "Gene," "say— stop. 
If I put those things on the list. 

They'll brand me as a fool. 
You talk as though this list was for 

A church or Sunday School." 

—195— 



''There'll be no one but mail men." 

"Gene" answered, "If you're sure, 
Just change that case of soda pop 

And substitute — 'snake cure.' 
As long as there's no women 

We will have the wine and song, 
And tell the boys who care to swim 

To take bathing suits along." 

They engaged a five ton motor truck 

And started on their way, 
With Roy Schipp at the steering wheel 

And everybody gay. 
Al Horseman caught the first fish, 

A. J. Hollister was sore, 
And hunted up a shady spot 

To sleep upon the shore. 

Wm. Connor and Ed Menninger 

Made a raid upon the lunch, 
Leaving just one bunch of crackers 

For the balance of the bunch 
When the hungry bunch was told the news, 

They were mad enough to fight, 
And just to even matters up 

They drank everything in sight. 

"Ed" Fitzgibbon said, "I came to fish. 

You fellows have no sense 
You look like a bunch o' 'nixies' 

After all of this expense 
You sit around and argue. 

I tell you it ain't right. 
How do you expect to square things 

When you get home tonight?" 

Goff said, "By golly, 'Ed' is right; 

I had not thought of that. 
My wife's opposed to 'snake cure,' 

And I'm living in a flat. 
All the people in my neighborhood 

Will know when I pull in. 
And the wise old owls will nod and say, 

'Pickled to the chin.' " 

When the bunch returned that evening. 

And settled for the ride, 
"Bud" Cole said, "Boys, I'm sorry 

That you're not all satisfied. 
Some one else arrange the outings ; 

It's an honor I decline." 
As the men picked up their baskets 

Each one mumbled, "Not for mine." 
P. S. — Nixie is a term applied to misdirected mail. 



rl96— 



THE BLOW-OUT ON PERRY JOHNSON'S 
FARM. 



Talk about your entertainers 

And dead swell scouts well met 
Perry Johnson on the "Argentine" 

Is sure the one best bet. 
He sent our invitations 

Fixed up in classy rhyme 
And street car men all over town 

O. K'd for one good time. 

There was music by an orchestra 

Composed of street car men. 
Who worked upon fast schedule 

With a "safety" now and then, 
"Boge" Jones from off the "L" road 

Played the bag pipes like a Scot, 
And the time he made in Kilties 

Certainly was hot. 

Hugh Kelly from the "West Side" 
Fiddled like a man gone mad, 
George Koeffler danced an Irish reel 
Dressed as an Irish lad, 

Perry Johnson shouted from the porch, 
"Is there some one here can call?" 

"I am here to do that stunt sir," 
Promptly yelled out Ira Hall. 

While Hugh Kelly tuned his fiddle, 

Ira Hall climbed on a chair 
With a smile upon his features 

That would drive away dull care ; 
The rooms filled up with dancers 

And as Ira turned to cough 
Steve Johnson from the "West Side" 

Gave two bells and they were off 

"Face to yer pardner," 

"Back to the wall," 
"Take a chaw o' terbaccer" 

"And balance all." 
"Birdie in the cage," 

"Three hands around," 
"Hold yer automatic" 

"And get over the ground." 

"Birdie hop out," 

"Crow hop in," 
"Join yer hands" 

"And circle agin," 
"Ladies to the center," 

"Hold the right o' way," 
"Balance to the corner," 

"All chaw hay." 

—197— 



Frank Stith from off the "Brooklyn" 

Played some rag time on a harp 
And Jake Razer from the Twelfth street 

Told some jokes that sure were sharp ; 
Then George Miller, from the "Jackson," 

Took an overwhelming chance, 
Imitating Mary Garden, 

In her great "Salome" dance. 

John Swanson from the "L" road 

Got up ta sing a song. 
But he switched back after starting, 

The protests were too strong. 
Then Bill Allen from the "Twelfth street" 

(Better known as Old Kaintuck.) 
Entertained the ladies 

With a dash of mobile buck. 

Ed Hawkins from the "West Side" 

Got up to make a speech 
That started with a whisper 

And ended with a screech. 
He screamed, "I'll tell you trippers," 

"All about your lives of sin." 
Then the gang took off his fender 

And slowly pushed him in. 

Charlie Arnold from the "Argentine" 

Did some mystifying tricks, 
And also gave a short discourse 

On the raising of young chicks. 
Dave Luke from over "L" road way, 

With a look calm and serene. 
Made a great impression, singing, 

"The Wearin' Of The Green." 

They ran without a schedule 

When refreshments were brought in, 
George Kennedy from the "L" road 

Arose and wiped his chin, 
"Lady friends, and what came with you," 

"I propose a fitting toast," 
"Here is health, wealth and prosperity," 

"To the King of Kings, our host." 

Traffic, next day, on the system 

Was sure demoralized. 
Most of the crews were half asleep, 

The rest were paralyzed. 
Those who didn't "miss" were listless 

And ice water held a charm 
For survivors of the blow out. 

On Perry Johnson's farm. 



498- 



TOM DRUMMEY'S SECRET. 



Tom Drummey had been figuring. 

At a most alarming rate, 
The bunch grew worried as they saw 

Tom's nervous, high strung state. 
There were figures on the blackboard 

And figures on the chairs, 
Figures on Tom's counterpane, 

Figures everywhere. 

Tom held secret consultations 

Every hour on the phone. 
With the conversation carried on 

In a muffled undertone. 
His bull dog was neglected. 

His chickens went unfed. 
And Tom would toss and tumble 

In his ravings while in bed. 

"Storm" Blake and ''Buck" Buckhalter 

Were elected by the bunch 
To investigate the matter 

When Tom returned from lunch, 
"Buck" says to "Storm," "YOU ask him 

Some how I don't feel game 
But if it causes trouble 

I will take my share o' blame." 

"Storm" sauntered up as Tom sat down 

And took one stealthy look 
Over Tommy Drummey's shoulder 

At a small, mysterious book, 
He saw long rows of figures 

In the book in Drummey's hand. 
But the more he looked, the less he knew, 

He could not understand. 

"Jimmie" Wall and Walter Bemoll 

Saw that "Storm" was losing heart 
And beckoned him in silence 

To go on and make a start, 
"Storm" moved a little closer 

And as Drummey looked around 
It was evident to all concerned 

That "Storm" was losing ground. 

"Dutch" Bemoll then got busy, 

Took a drink and cleared his throat, 
Then blurted out, "Say Drummey, 

You've certainly got our goat. 
You have got the whole bunch guessing," 

And we know you're not the kind 
To keep us in hot water 

Tell us — What is on your mind? 

—199- 



Tom looked a while at Bemoll 

And then threw back his head 
As peals of hearty laughter 

Shook the rafters over head. 
Frank Reyonlds turned a summersault 

As Drummey laughed with joy. 
"Storm" started — swayed and tottered 

To the arms of Frank McCoy: 

When Tom regained composure 

He said, ''Boys, I'm all right. 
And I start upon my longest run 

At eight o'clock tonight. 
My heart has been on fire 

And was clear beyond control 
When I sent for the 'Extinguisher' 

She's a Queen, boys — bless my soul." 

"I'm to make the hitch tomorrow 

And these figures that you see 
Are what our groceries for a month 

And our wedding trip will be. 
We are going to St. Louis 

For a week to see the town ; 
We're going to have a swell time 

Then come back and settle down." 

"Wally" (In his brother's auto) 

Took the bride and groom to lunch, 
To a house next to a brewery 

And Drummy had a hunch. 
When he saw the well stocked brewery 

He dropped anchor on the spot 
And the boys at "Sixes" tell me 

That's as far as Drummey got." 



THE LOST PUNCH. 



Captain Jones walked in to 5 house 

To go to work the other day, 
And was talking to Bob Bowman 

Before the night crew went away. 
He said, "Charlie Brown stopped in here 

While on his way to lunch 
And while here he said Buck' Kauffman 

Of late had lost his punch. 

Fred White asked many questions — 

"Cap" started up the stair 
Saying, "All I know's what Charlie said 

I can't see why you should care." 
"Well, I'll tell you why I care, 'Cap,' 

If what you say is true 
I'll lay for 'Buck' this morning. 

And I'll break that guy in two." 

—200- 



"Ever since he whipped that 'Wild Cat' 

He's been hard to handle, 'Cap/ 
And there's not a day passed since that 

He don't hit some guy a rap. 
That's good news you brought this morning- 

So long — I'm on my way 
And I'll have 'Buck' Kauffman eating 

From my hand by noon today." 

Captain Jones said, "Well, but listen." 

Fred yelled in vicious tone, 
That's all — I know my business 

So you'd better mind your own, 
You needn't try to tell me 

What you think about this case ; 
Remember, I'm a man, 'Cap,' 

And I think I know my place." 

"All right, Fred," the Captain answered, 

"I'm not saying what to do 
But you didn't get it all, Fred, 

Remember I'm not through 
Still, if you know your business 

As well as all of that" 
Fred said, "Well all the rest, 'Cap,' 

You can keep beneath your hat." 

Fred left the station with a smile 

And went home to his wife ; 
She had never seen his smile so broad 

In all their married life. 
He whistled as he changed his clothes, 

Then started up the street 
He didn't stay home long enough 

To get a bite to eat. 

That night the boys at 5 house 

Got ready for the change — 
Sammy Coe was looking worried 

As he ventured, "This is strange. 
We are one man short this evening 

Has any one seen White? 
He surely can't be sick, 'Cap,' 

For he felt all right last night." 

Eight days later Fred walked into 5*s 

With a beefsteak on his eye ; 
One ear was split and Fred bawled out, 

"Say, Jones, you're just the guy 
That came in here a week ago 

Saying Kauffman lost his punch. 
You said it 'Cap' — you know you did 

I can prove it by the bunch." 

—201— 



"I don't know what your game is 

But ril tell you fellows — now, 
Don't none o' you hunt Kauffman 

Unless you're looking for a row." 
Jones said, "I tried to tell you 

But you wouldn't listen, Fred, 
If you had there'd be no beefsteak 

Or bandage on your head." 

*'Don't try to lay the blame on me 

You've not been double crossed 
The thing he punches transfers with 

Is the punch I meant he lost," 
Fred sighed and stroked his battered chin 

And as he turned to go 
He said, "You're late with that talk, 'Cap,' 

For believe me, men — I know." 



IN THE SOUTH LAND. 



To Mr. J. B. Hippie 
And all my old staunch friends ; 
I am down here where the echo 
Of six shooters ever blends 
With the bell upon the ambulance, 
Where they plead unwritten law 
Where they're shy on parlor etiquette, 
But lightning on the draw. 

I am down here in the South Land, 
Where you've got to keep a grip 
On the butt of your revolver 
Where they shoot you from the hip. 
Where — when a bay's old enough 
To crawl upon the floor 
The first play-thing they give it 
Is a colt six — forty-four. 

I am down here rubbing elbows 
With such men as ''Texas Bud," 
Who always keep their fountain pens 
Filled up with human blood 
I am flirting with a tomb stone, 
And if I don't get back 
Just remember if they shoot ME 
They will hit me in the back. 

Doubtfully yours, 

THE JACK O' DIAMONDS. 



— -2(M^— 



INDEX. 



A Phoney Hunch 25 

An Echo From the Sale 157 

A Case for" the Water Board 155 

Aaron's Visitor 153 

Alfalfa Dutch 140 

A Baseball Game in Rhyme 149 

A Wail From Pat Hurley 139 

A Letter to Henry Glass 165 

A Night in the Woods 168 

Big August's Summer Trip 144 

Bummy Edmunds and the Thief 99 

But Little Jack Was Gone 98 

Blink Simpkins' Weddin' 141 

Bill Kane's Athletic Meet 4 

Bill Smith's Anniversary 47 

Bob Bowman's Diamond Pin 59 

Buckshot Ben 173 

Cyclone Joe 81 

Central Avenue Time 158 

Cal Fairchild's Auto Ride 119 

De Champion Shifter ; 144 

De Gab Special 118 

Don't Call Frank Buehler Kiddo 143 

Diplomat Gibson 32 

Dave Gosney's Shopping Trip 28 

Dancing Noble 26 

Duffy's Substitute 15 

De Matinee Special 128 

Easy Money 36 

Educated Coe 68 

Fire Boys on the Diamond 12 

Frank Buehler's Suit of Clothes 112 

Fashion Plate Conroy 161 

Frank Stack's Invention 133 

Gettin' Tru de Sout' 151 

Hen Murray's Little Chap 10 

How Fuzzy Got His Job 170 

He Wasn't Steamin' Right 3 

Hugh Kelly's Farewell Banquet 8 

Human Derrick Olson 79 

His Record 45 

Haug Was Justified 137 

He Made Her Say Enough 163 

It Sure Looked Good to Him 181 

It Was No Secret 122 

I Get's 'Em, Kid— Dat's Me 18 

It Was Time to Go 89 

If You Call, You Call Alone 175 

In the South Land 202 

Jim Hereford's Automobile 186 

Lorenzo D. Hutchinson 7 

Lorenzo's Back Again 52 

Mike Gorman's Story 132 

No More 124 

Not for Them 23 

Narrow Escapes 31 

Nitroglycerine 17 

Nobody Home 20 

One Round Ducky 94 

On Board the Pilot of the 39 176 

Pick-Up Lowe's Revenge 135 

Pick-Up's Disappointment 147 

Pat Hurley's Dream 101 



Pick-up Lowe's Retreat 13 

Runnin' Wild 146 

Sprinting Pickie Bell 105 

Street Car Joe 91 

Sleuth McCullough 66 

Switchin' on de Brain 115 

Santa Was Good to the Firemen 34 

Singing Bill 179 

The Bloodless Battle 88 

Tubby's Trial Spin 84 

The Idea That Didn't Pay 29 

The Shattered Dream 86 

The Champion Rifle Shot 83 

The Fatal Mistake 131 

The Wimmin Folks Was Right 76 

The Reward That Never Came 130 

Toad Stool Bob's Last Talk 78 

The Smacker Convention 107 

The Endless Argument 103 

The Famous Kansas Twins 125 

The Watson Brand of Bull 167 

The Firemen's Annual Ball 42 

The Crap Shooting Kid 54 

The "L" Road Hiking Club 64 

That Indiana Car 71 

The Record Run 73 

The Twelve Hour Clearance Sale 69 

The Globe Trotter 74 

Tommy Drummey's Secret 199 

The Blow-Out on Perry Johnson's Farm 197 

The Sleeping Contest Ill 

The Lost Opportunity 49 

The Bookmakers 55 

The Hold-Up 127 

The Prize Winner 93 

The Indignation Meeting 21 

The Miller-Koefler Bout 57 

The Recruit 96 

The "L" Road Twins 51 

Tim Morrisey's Jubilee 60 

The Spooks 46 

That Durned Old Houn' Dawg Song 44 

The Wedding of Arch Clark 190 

The Lost High Roller Straw 192 

The Mail Carriers' Outing 185 

The Figure Eight 121 

The False Report 109 

The Daddy of Them All 116 

The Golden Wedding 116 

The Lost Punch 200 

What's the Use? 62 

What's in a Name ? 184 

When Claude Brown Changed His Mind 193 

Where Was Tom? 188 

When Buck Kauffman Tamed the Cat 38 

When Sam Mc Jimsey Made Good 171 

Which One There Is Dave ? 187 

When Spit Ball Holder Saved the Day 40 

When I Go Back to Flag 161 

Waitin' fur th' Mail 114 

What's in a Kiss? 106 














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